April 07, 2006
"The Girl Who Kissed a Male Model"
Well, since this week's "America's Next Top Tool" is already past, I'd better set to the arduous task of reviewing last week's episode. You were waiting with bated breath, I know.
Nnenna's on the phone with her boyfriend, and although she's surrounded 24/7 by women and gay men, he's grilling her about flirting with other guys.
Lemme guess which girl kisses a male model.
I had a boyfriend like that, looooooooong time ago. He even went so far to say that, if I put any effort at all into my appearance -- i.e. make-up, cute clothes -- then I was just a slut inviting the attentions of other men. Needless to say, I threw myself at the first guy who actually told me I looked "beautiful" when I put effort into my appearance.
Bad approach, Nnenna's Boyfriend. Now the entire world knows what an asshat you are. In your defense, however, it's clear from looking at your video that you're NEVER, EVER going to get another woman as awesome as Nnenna. No wonder you're so paranoid.
Danielle's toe looks bad, and she's still on crutches.
And then...
JANICE!!!
She's going to be teaching Posing Class, and "Alcoholic Bitch" Lisa from last season is with her. They're lovers, you just know it.
The girls talk with Janice, and Jade says she thinks she "clicks" with Janice. Oh, you wish, Ferret-Eyes.
For some reason, Janice makes Gina hop up and down on one foot while laughing. I think there was some point to it, like Gina needs to be able to laugh at herself, but the connection was not real clear to anyone who hadn't had three martinis beforehand.
After Posing Class, the girls all have lunch with Janice. Gina's sitting next to her, so Janice asks Gina which girl is posing a problem in the house. Because Janice has been on enough of these shows to know that Tyra always picks some crazy bitch purely for the drama factor.
Gina, of course, because she has never seen an episode of ANTM in her life and doesn't know Janice's Golden Rule, breaks bad on Jade.
The look on Jade's face here is priceless. The shock, the hurt, the wide-eyed innocense. HA! I wanna see her name on the next Emmy ballot.
But it's Gina that Janice goes ballistic on, for talking smack about another girl. Gina is confused that someone would ask her a question they didn't really want an answer to, and Janice, hilariously, tells Gina, "You're dead to me!"
You can almost hear Jade climaxing off-screen. It's her Dear Diary moment, and she can now die a happy ferret.
Back at the house, Gina cries about Janice's treatment of her (not realizing that that's what we depend on Janice for) and finds Jade sitting on her bed. If Jade had peed on Gina's pillow, it couldn't have been any more blatant a challenge.
I really kinda hate that the other girls don't back up Gina. I know she's supposed to be able to stand up for herself, but, were I there, I'd at least call Jade on her feigned innocense.
Finally, Gina grows a set and tells Jade off. Badly. Lamely. Unconvincingly. But hey, it's a baby-step in the right direction. And at least none of the other girls defend Jade.
Gee, Special K, product placement much?
The challenge today is a shoot for Sears. There are four sets of clothes and four backgrounds -- one for each season. The girls have to pick an outfit and some poses for each season, and they're being timed because, we are told ad nauseum, TIME IS MONEY.
Jade goes first. God, she really is fugly. When it's Gina's turn, Jade's eyes narrow into little slits, and she watches Gina like a jackal. Jade has culled the weakest from the pack and is anticipating her evisceration.
Well, screw them both. Nnenna wins again! Yay! And she wins ALL the clothes from the shoot that day! And seriously, there are a TON of clothes. But Nnenna probably sent them all to poor people in Africa, or sold them on eBay and donated the profits to AIDS research. Because that's the kind of gal Nnenna is. And you didn't see that on the show because Sears was pissed that some gorgeous model wasn't going to be wearing their clothes in public.
Nnenna calls The Boyfriend to share the good news, and again he starts in with the badgering and clinging and whining and ohforfuckssake shut UP already!!!! What does she see in this guy? He must be really hung because he can't have a conversation without accusing her or something. She hangs up on him. Pure. Awesome.
In another blatant promo for Tyra's show, the girls are taken to her studio so Mother Hen Tyra can counsel them on career choices between tapings of her other show. Barf.
Most of the girls want to be lawyers. HA! Jade wants to be a kindergarten teacher because she loves children. Medium rare.
Danielle voices the thoughts of parents around the globe, "I'd home-school my kids before I'd send them to Jade's class."
Well, apparently, all this talk has a reason behind it, unlike 99% of what goes on with this show. And that reason is to make the girls "act out their future dreams" in their shoot. But it also has to be "edgey." So, you know, "whore-y."
Also? There are male models involved, and they all have very male-model-y names like JT and Vaughn and Zane. How come you never see male models named Bob?
The girls don't try for one minute to conceal their drooling. Really classy.
The girls all pose. You can click through their photos here. I'm not linking individually cuz they really didn't do much for me this week. Except this one of Jade, which just makes me hate her all the more.
During the shoot, there was a lot of "chemistry" (i.e. "horniness") between Nnenna and her token piece of meat. And in the final frame of their set, they kiss. No tongues, they're in front of two dozen people, but apparently, it's a BIG EFFING DEAL.
Now, I can understand how you wouldn't want to kiss every male model you worked with because you'd get a reputation as a tramp. But seriously, in light of Kate Moss' recent escapades -- and in light of Shandi nailing that Italian model in the hot tub or whatever -- it's so not a big deal.
Well, okay, it might have been a big deal to the guy, who "pitched a tent, and not the kind you sleep in," according to Joanie. Awkward!
In closing, is it any wonder Nnenna threw herself at this guy who made her feel fabulous and forgot the guy who makes her feel smothered? No, no it isn't. And I don't know why the other girls are all, "Girl, you'd better call your boyfriend." What do they care? Earth to models! Nnenna's boyfriend is a JACKASS!
But Nnenna stupidly calls him and confesses to him anyway, and he reacts so predictibly that I'm not even going to bother describing it.
During judging, Jade is much nicer in front of the judges and doesn't argue with their critiques of her. One of them comments on her change, but Tyra says, "But we don't know what's going on back at the house."
Really, Tyra? You don't watch the dailies? Nah, she's on to Jade. Tyra may be nuts, but she's not stupid.
In the end, the judges can finally no longer deny Gina's ugliness and stupidity, so she gets to go home. Or go be euthanized. Whatever.
In the next episode, someone collapses. Wait, didn't we just do collapsing two seasons ago? Yawn.