April 07, 2006
"The Girl With Two Bad Takes"
I think the title of this episode of "Not America's Next Top Best Friend" would have been more helpful if they had narrowed it down to "The Girl Without Two Bad Takes." I'm just sayin'.
We open with Mollie Sue being upset about the judges not seeing her personality. And am I wrong, or isn't that a complaint usually saved for the plus-sized models? Well, since there are none this season, I guess that role has been thrust upon Mollie Sue. Poor thing. C'mere and let me comfort you.
Nnenna's on the phone with her jackass boyfriend, and he's all, "What about me? What about how I feel? What about me?" Dude, seriously, you might need that last tiny shred of dignity someday, so shut up.
Wisely, Nnenna has had enough and announces, to no one in particular, that "it's over." But Jade, needing a new toy to gnaw on now that Gina is gone, counsels Nnenna to try and work it out with Jackass.
Furonda and Danielle both interview the obvious -- that Jade is working Nnenna.
So the girls are whisked away to yet another meeting with Tyra in her green room. And the collapsing? Yeah, it's Tyra. And the girls freak. And I get my hopes up. And when no one from the film crew rushes to help her, the girls still don't get that it's a total fake-out.
When Tyra pops back up and announces that it's Acting Week, the girls do not laugh with her, as she quite obviously expected. Furonda cries, and they all look at Tyra like she's completely whacked and/or really, really mean. And they're right.
But to make up for emotionally scarring these easily-deluded girls, she gives them gifts of pink wife-beaters with their names on them and matching panties. Add a babushka and kneesocks, and Jade has another complete outfit in which to lurk about the house.
So the girls are taken to some improv place that's apparently totally famous, but hell if I care enough to remember the name. During the brief, preliminary exercises, their improv host tells Jade, "Sometimes it's not about yoooooooouuuuuuuuu." And I love him immediately.
Back at the house, Nnenna's on the phone with Jackass AGAIN. Begging the question -- WHY does she keep CALLING him?! For everyone's sake, just STOP THE INSANITY! In a very creepy move, Jade is actually in the room with Nnenna, listening and writing down things for her to say to him. Ew, ew, ew.
Not that I need to spell it out for you, but clearly, Jade wants Nnenna to stay in the relationship because Jade finally figured out that Nnenna is her biggest competition, so she wants to keep Nnenna distracted and depressed.
And just when you thought Jade couldn't get any more ooky, it's time for their challenge. They go back to the improv place, divide into two teams, and take turns jumping through the various improv hoops that their host sets up for them. The prize? A guest spot on the t.v. show "Veronica Mars." And how cool would it be to see an ANTM girl playing a cadaver?! Too cool for it to actually happen.
Predictably, none of the girls are as funny as me. Jade just sucks. They play The Question Game (as often seen on "What's My Line?"), and Jade can't form a question. Let me repeat that. Jade doesn't know how to form a question. Even after being told, "Start with who, what, where, when or why, and you can't go wrong." She goes wrong. It's awesome.
Also? Jade has no sense of humor, so she falls back on what she does know -- cruelty. The girls have to rap, so Jade makes up some non-rhyming thing about Furonda's face being "lumpy," then reloads and goes on to insult Sara.
Everyone is horrified and uncomfortable. Awesomely, the girls on Furonda and Sara's team gang-up on Jade and all rap about how awful she is. Retaliation -- it's a good thing.
Afterwards, Jade interviews that the reason she sucked ass at improvisation is that she "needed more direction," which is the hugest cop-out ever. And then she says that she's surprised that Nnenna could stay focused during the challenge. Well, way to expose your evil plan, Jade. Not that we hadn't guessed it before the first commercial break, but really. Why don't you just rub your hands together and cackle maniacally, for God's sake?
Proof that there is still a God -- Furonda wins the challenge, and picks Nnenna as her guest. Jade seethes, and baby angels sing.
On the ride home, Joanie, Sara and Mollie Sue rag on Jade's behavior. Um, are the limos segregated? Because these three are the only ones in the car. Weird.
I don't know how it begins, but back at the house, Furonda and Jade are having a discussion about Jade's behavior. For the billionth time, Jade explains that, when people first meet her, they think she's a bitch, but everyone who really knows her knows that she's "real." Yeah, a real bitch. I'm sure by "everyone," she means her cat.
During this, Furonda says something about Jade's bullshit being a facade. Jade has never heard this word before and, I think, goes so far as to accuse Furonda of making it up. Furonda cannot disguise her contempt as the entire world screams, "READ A BOOK, JADE!"
The more I see of Furonda, the more I can forgive her ugliness.
Meanwhile, Nnenna's Jackass is all, "Look at you, ripping my heart out! Why? Can't? You? Love? Me?" Dude has issues.
As part of their prize, Nnenna and Furonda get to do a Public Service Announcement for AIDS awareness, which is pretty cool. And they kinda suck, but that's okay.
Furonda does "Veronica Mars" where she's a secretary or something. I don't watch it, so I don't care.
Then it's time to shoot a Cover Girl commercial. Oh, this is gonna be nothin' but bad.
Most of the girls suckity-suck-suck-SUCK, and they all congregate in the Post-Shoot Room or whatever and cry about it. Then Nnenna bursts in and goes, "I did great! How did you guys do?"
Mollie Sue actually shoots death-lasers out of her eyes.
Back in the holding tank, Jade watches Brook's shoot and laughs, "Brook just breaks."
Now, what she says is true, but still. Laughing is mean, and Brook is nice. The producers really don't miss a chance to show us every side of Jade's evilness.
Then it's Jade's turn. And whereas Jay and the director guy had only pity for the other girls, for Jade, there is only laughter. Uncontrollable, malevolent laughter. Instant karma, baby.
Jay goes, "She's a drag queen!"
Then? Jade not only flubs her lines; she swears. Gasp! Cover Girls don't swear! I don't care what you've heard about Queen Latifa!
Afterwards, Jade AGAIN says that she "needed more direction." Um, remember your lines and don't swear. Is that good enough direction for you, dearie? Ah, yes, Jade's delusion that her failure is everyone's fault but her own continues. And the other girls flee the hot tub to escape her, leaving her alone with everyone who thinks she's "real."
*cricket* *cricket*
Judging! The panel reviews the girls' commercials. Apparently, each girl got two takes, and the judges are seeing what Jay and the director thought was each girl's best take.
Mollie looked scary. Danielle has to get rid of her hillbilly accent. Furonda did a pretty good job. Brook had dreadful stage fright. Nnenna lacked grace. Joanie lacked sophistication. Leslie did well. Sara had a drink in her hand the whole time. Jade--
"You guys used my worst take!"
[sound of needle scratching on record]
Oh, NO! SHE! DI'IN'T!
Well, Miss Tyra does not like that kind of back-talk at all. So she calls Jade out and says, "The director said that BOTH your takes were bad."
I clap gleefully and do a happy dance, waking Daisy and frightening Husband.
THEN! As if my cup did not already runneth over. Tyra takes it even further and tells Jade she looked "very draggish."
And my life is complete!
The final two come down to Jade and Mollie Sue. And Mollie Sue goes home because it's better to have a shitty personality than no personality. Apparently. Mollie Sue is, understandably, shocked and bitter about losing to a bitchy drag queen.
Next week: Brook gets pissed at Nnenna. For what? Hogging the phone? Snoring? I just can't imagine there's going to be anything exciting between those two. And if that's the best teaser they can come up with for next week, I'm not excited.
Comments
Hi there, I just found your site through the comments on MG. I love your review of ANTM, I thought Jade was a riot, she kept twirling and saying 'fabulous!'. When she stood there and forgot her lines I was giddy with delight. I think I peed a little when she swore too.
Posted by: Hope at April 11, 2006 03:59 PM