May 14, 2006
Happy Mothers Day
When you hear the words "step mother," what springs to mind? It's probably some devious, cackling hag with cruel eyes and a pursed, frowning mouth. Thank you, Walt Disney. Thank you, Grimm brothers.
For ages, the step mothers of Cinderella and Snow White have been the heading under which all step mothers are filed. It's not only unfair, it leaves us floundering.
Where are our role models? Where are our guides? What do we have to do in order to be considered a "good" step mother? And who makes the rules because, sometimes, frankly, the real parents don't know what to expect, either. While society happily provides many guidelines for mothers and fathers, step parents are left to figure shit out on our own.
"Blended families" (doncha love that term? it's so delicious, so smooth and creamy!) start out with a lot of high expectations. He expects his new wife to love his children as his own; she expects the children to be receptive to her attempts at becoming a family member. Both expect way too much.
We don't mean anything to these kids. We're just strangers their fathers married without consulting them. At best, we're nothing, vapors, ghosts. At worst, we are an intrution, an obstacle, a foe.
Of course, the whole situation sucks for the kids to deal with. They're children, and their whole lives have been ripped apart.
But while it's socially acceptable -- and, indeed, expected -- for kids to be angry and unresponsive and to act out, this behavior is not tolerated from adults. The kids have an outlet -- the step mom. And we have to suck it up because we're the grown-ups.
My shrink told us that the role of step mom is the hardest in any family. Harder than the real mom. Harder than the step dad. Step moms are, traditionally, the scapegoats for every bad thing and bad feeling that happens in the family.
Step moms are blamed for decisions they don't make, things they never said, and influence they simply don't have.
In short, we're in a bit of a pickle, and it takes a lot of work for us to come to some sort of peace with our lives and our new families. Constant work. Mostly by repeating the mantra, "Let it go. Let it go. Let it go."
Which sounds uncaring. And we should never say it out loud, lest we be publicly scorned and made to sit in the stocks while people throw rotten cabbage and rutabagas at us. Because no one knows about the good things we do for those kids.
No one knows about the times we defend the kids to their fathers, when they've gotten more mad than the situation warrants. No one knows how we cry and worry and lose sleep when those children are having trouble in school, or with friends, or with the aftermath of their parents' divorce. No one knows how enraged we get when their own parents seem unaware or unmindful of their pain and struggles.
No one notices that we clean their rooms, and wash their sheets, and buy the foods we know they like, and make sure they sit down to eat a decent, home-cooked meal once in a while. It's really, really easy to see the crappy mistakes step moms make in learning to be a stepmom. It's harder to see into our hearts, and see how hard we're trying.
We do the work, we buy all the holiday/birthday gifts, we cook, we clean, we worry. But we don't get the rewards that moms get. No one is happy to see us. No one wants to spend time with us. No one comes to us with their hurts or their triumphs.
We do the things that Moms do. We rejoice at the good news and cry at the bad. But we usually receive this news second- or third-hand. No come comes to us for accolades or comfort. We are removed from the children we help care for.
Being a stepmom is lonely.
Okay, blah blah blah, enough of that. Just, please, remember your step moms. They're not crazy, stupid bitches. Would Dad have married her? Remember that she's trying to find her place in an already-established family. Help her, welcome her. Buy her a friggin' card already.
Comments
Hooray for Step Moms! I'll totally back you on this. My parents split when I was a toddler, and remarried divorced folks with kids of their own, so I had a step mom, and my mom is a step mom. Like you said, life's not easy with a "blended" family, but I prefer to remember the good times - like having multiple celebrations for every occaision/event/holiday, and twice the parenting most kids got. My dad passed away 7 years ago and I'm happy to report that my relationship with my step mom is as strong as ever. She's my mom, too, and nothing can change that.
Posted by: Kate at May 14, 2006 05:09 PM
Happy mothers' day to my fave stepmom :)
Posted by: Celtic Elff at May 14, 2006 05:09 PM
Awesome post. Very well said.
And Happy Mother's Day, Wenchie. You've earned it, and then some.
Posted by: Marty at May 14, 2006 06:01 PM
I was surprised yesterday when I made my step-mom-to-be's day by calling her and telling her Happy Mother's Day.
I'm 30, and getting a new step-mom later this year. She's actually coming at just the right time to be "Grammie" to our kids. *G*
Posted by: Homidus Corax Celticus at May 15, 2006 06:54 AM
My parents divorced when I was 5 1/2. Dad remarried 2 years later and I really, REALLY love my stepmom and always have. She has always been very nice to me and we never had a problem, luckily.
She's cool.
Yeah I'm a freak, I guess.
Posted by: Scarlett Cyn at May 15, 2006 07:21 AM
Wow. Well said. I thought I had it bad being without kids, but I think you have it much, much worse.
Thanks for the perspective.
-Lori
Posted by: Lori at May 15, 2006 12:38 PM
What a wonderful and thought-filled entry. Should be published in a magazine or newspaper.
Happy Mother's Day Wenchie. You're a Queen.
Love you!
Posted by: Snippy Bitch at May 15, 2006 01:21 PM
Happy Mother's Day, Auntie Wenchie! I love you! You're the best Auntie/Godmother a girl could ask for! I hope you had a nice time at lunch yesterday with my mommy and that the food was berry delicious. Can I sleep at your house sometime? I love you!
Posted by: Girl Child at May 15, 2006 03:12 PM
"Where are our role models? Where are our guides? What do we have to do in order to be considered a "good" step mother?"
Duh!!! Can you say CAROL BRADY!!!
Oh, yeah....that post by Girl Child was totally from Billi!
Posted by: matt at May 15, 2006 05:33 PM