May 11, 2006
Deliver Me
Billi is currently pregnant with her third child, as you may have surmized from her comments recently. On Saturday, she goes in for the ultrasound where they find out the sex of the baby.
(The baby, by the way, is called Cashew because, when Billi told me she was pregnant, she said the baby was the size of a cashew. Cuuuuute!)
I'm all for this procedure because I want to start in with the Assigned Gender Roles as early as possible. If it's a girl, I'll help Billi paint the nursery pink, and I'll start buying frilly dresses. If it's a boy, green nursery and overalls.
I know I'm supposed to be all, "Oh, I don't care what sex it is. I just hope it's healthy with ten fingers and ten toes. Or eleven would be cool, too." But I am openly rooting for a girl. Girls are more fun to dress, and -- let's be honest -- the world just can't take another Boy Child.
PW: I'm so excited about Saturday! You have to call me on your way home from the ultrasound! Okay, you can call Mom and Brad's Mom first, but then you have to call ME!
B: Why don't you just come with us? It's really cool!
PW: What?! I can't come with to your ultrasound!
B: Why not? We're bringing the kids.
PW: Because that's, like, Sacred Beautiful Family Moment.
B: Oh, please. It's my third kid. You could be in the delivery room, for all I care.
PW: Okay, I'll come with!
B: Hey... do you wanna be in the delivery room?
PW: NO!!!
B: Why not?
PW: Again -- Sacred Beautiful Family Time.
B: No, it's not. I'm inviting the neighbors! Japanese tourists! Bring a picnic lunch!
PW: Dude. Seriously?
B: Yes!
PW: I don't think I could handle seeing you in all that pain.
B: I'm not in pain. I get an epidural!
PW: Yeah, but there must be some pain.
B: Nope. Don't feel a thing.
PW: You're just saying that to make me feel better.
B: I'm serious! I'm totally numb!
So I thought about it. I mean, since I refuse to reproduce myself, how many opportunities am I going to get to witness the miracle of birth? I would be pretty stupid to turn it down, right?
I decided to do a little research, so I went to www.YouTube.com and found a three minute video of a birth to watch.
By the two minute marker, I had to put my head down between my knees. I was praying, "Pleasedon'tletmefaint. Pleasedon'tletmefaint. Pleasedon'tletmefaint."
I quickly closed the YouTube window on my computer because I didn't want anyone discovering my prone body and looking up to see a placenta on my screen.
When I finally felt capable of standing up, I hurried to the bathroom, my face hot, the rest of my body shivering cold. I stayed there for about five minutes, pressing my forehead to the cool metal of the stall wall, until I was sure I wasn't gonna spew chunks.
I don't think I'm cut out for the miracle of birth. I'll just send a nice floral arrangement or something.
Comments
As far as she lives from you, and this being the third child, what would be the odds of you actually making it there before the debut was made?
But still...probably a smart idea. Or a better idea...show up afterwards with a chocolate shake for mom. That earned me brownie points for all of my urchins.
Posted by: Marty at May 11, 2006 02:33 PM
Hahahahah!!!!
First kid: pitocin-induced, no painkillers. Stupid teeny military hospital. 26½ hours of labor.
Second kid - eleven years later: Two weeks early, beautiful labor, no problems, EPIDURAL just as the contractions were starting to get painful, eight hours' labor, tops.
If I'd had kid #2 first, I joke that I'd have had four to five kids by now. It was that awesome. I recommend epidurals to EVERYONE. And? Stay away from pitocin.
Posted by: Celtic Elff at May 12, 2006 12:15 AM
You can still be in the delivery room, just stay away from the foot of the bed! My best friend was in the room with me taking photos, but she stayed off to the side.
Posted by: Rach at May 12, 2006 10:14 AM
Pitocin put me in labor that was 2 mins apart from the beginning, and lasted 12 hours. But? If it weren't for that, my son would probably STILL be in there, 7 years later.
Posted by: Queen of Ass at May 12, 2006 10:57 AM