May 09, 2006

"The Girl Who Is Rushed To the Emergency Room"

Oh my God, "America's Next Top Model" is on again TOMORROW, and I haven't even reviewed last week's! Where has the week gone?!

I'll start by expressing the disappointment of the entire world that Jade wasn't rushed to the hospital with a broken nose and concussion after being pummeled by her fed-up roommates. I think Tyra should have to answer to the United Nations for her part in all this.

We open with Furonda moaning about being in the Bottom Two, Sara vowing to fake the confidence she doesn't possess, Danielle reading scripture, and Jade being an ignorant twat.

Jade calls Joanie "demanding" to her face (I don't know why... perhaps Jade was thinking of a different word?), and then interviews behind her back that Joanie doesn't look like a model. Well, I guess Jade just figured out who is likely to win, or at least be in the Final Two.

I would just like to point out that Danielle is apparently a religious girl, and yet she doesn't feel compelled to shove it in everyone else's face, CAMILLE! Danielle is sweet.

Tyra Mail -- something about being "in a strange position." Are the girls doing yoga? Does anyone care?

The girls are taken to a theatre and meet some artistic director whose name I'm not even going to attempt to recreate here. Those Thai people have some interesting names! Anyhoo, the girls are going to learn Thai classical dance. Lots of pointy hats and backward-bent hands. The movements tell a story, so I guess it's kinda like hula, only without the fruity drinks and sexy hip-shaking.

I like how, when the dance instructor tells them that, to have their hands above eyebrow level when they're dancing conveys arrogance, we get a quick close-up of Jade. As if we'd forgotten!

And we're treated to Jade interviewing, "I don't have an ounce of arrogance in my body." I don't know if that's even relevant to their dance lesson, but it's still funny.

In the middle of the lesson, Danielle starts to get a migraine, and she gets faint, "like an out-of-body experience."

The dance lesson is over, and the instructor tells them, "Be beautiful, but not arrogant." Again, camera on Jade. I'm beginning to think they're making her wear a sign or something.

At lunch, Joanie finally snaps and breaks the cardinal rule of Don't Look Jade In The Eye. She asks Jade why she's so defensive, and Jade couldn't more aptly prove her point when she sings, "Liiiiiies! Liiiiies!"

Honestly, all Joanie is doing is asking a question. She's not even being snotty. And then Jade goes on to spout gems like, "You're perceiving me as something I'm not," and "Are you Tyra?"

In perhaps my Favorite ANTM Interview EVAH, Joanie goes, "When I'm next to her, all I smell... is bitch."

And while the girls are wrinkling their noses at Jade's foul stench, they don't even notice that Danielle is carried off-set, crying, breathing painfully, and in really bad shape.

Danielle says that her body is all numb and shaky, and her eyes are twitching, and frankly, I'm kinda scared for her. It's pretty unnerving.

The rest of the girls get ready for their Thai dancing, and although there don't appear to be any assistants in the room with them, they put on their ornate costumes correctly and with great ease, even down to the exaggerated eyeliner. Are we supposed to think they did that by themselves?

Joanie says she's sick of Jade winning. Joanie, you're Nobel Prize is in the mail. Jade says that she "fits the image" of a Thai dancer. Yes, Jade, we get it -- you're an ethnic chameleon. And now Thailand is going to fly a plane into the ANTM headquarters for the insult.

Joanie dances first for the audience, and she's actually really, really good. I'm impressed how she picked it up so quickly.

Jade interviews, "She's really good, but I'm not intimidated. She's not at my level."

Uh-huh.

Sara looks really uncomfortable on stage, like she's praying to get it over with without looking like too much of an idiot.

Furonda, the poor dear, has no clue what she's doing, so she just starts being silly. She has her hands above eyebrow level, to the horror of the entire audience. Then she goes into a hip-hop-hula thing. Oh dear.

And the winner is JOANIE! Finally, some justice! She picks Sara to share her prize because Sara hasn't won anything. Sara kinda takes offense at this and interviews that she doesn't want Joanie's pity. But she's no fool and totally goes with her.

Danielle is in a hospital room in Thailand. God, doesn't that just send shivers through your soul? She's upset that she's stuck there with an IV in her while the girls are dancing. I say, Lesser Of Two Evils.

She says she was just dehydrated, and although the doctor wants her to stay and rest, she leaves.

Sara and Joanie win a nice dinner with the dance instructor which, as prizes go, is pretty sucky. I mean, it's no diamonds!

Tyra Mail -- Burn your bikini because you're going to rock it in trunks. Or something.

Danielle's face is hurting (well, it's killing Jade!), and she's in no shape to do a shoot. We find out the whole story is dehydration, exhaustion and food poisoning. Man, that sucks. But she gets outta bed anyway.

I'm pretty much HHHHHHHATING Tyra at this point, for making the girls feel like they have to endanger their health in order to stay in the competition. I guess she's just setting them up for the reality of bulimia in their future.

They get to their location, and Jay Manuel rides in on an elephant. He tells they girls they will ride the elephants to the location of their shoot and then pose with them. Cool! I love elephants!

Jade is in awe and says, "Wow. To be next to an animal that preposterous..." The elephant is thinking the same exact thing.

I'm not sure what word she was searching for there, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't preposterous.

Today's shoot is for the Venus Vibrator electric shaver. Oh, God. The girls shave their legs right there. Classy. There's a douche commercial in their future, I just know it. And they're going to have to douche right there on the beach.

Danielle is the first to pose with the elephant, and it gets spooked by the camera flashes and walks away. "Bitch, please, I have such a hangover."

And then, the second best interview of all time. Jade is still talking about how awesome it is to be posing with an elephant because -- get this -- "the elephant is in the dinosaur family."

This set off Husband laughing hysterically. I have a 7 year old Nephew who can give Jade a lesson in animal families, if she'd like. Chapter One: Mammals and How They're Different. Dear Christ, "the dinosaur family."

Her shoot is sucking ass, and for the billionth time, she blames it on Jay's direction. Which, I agree, is rarely insightful, but seriously.

Furonda is leading with her jaw in all the photos. I'm sad cuz she usually takes good photos. Jade calls her, "the weakest link." I'm surprised Jade, in all her evolutionary wisdom, didn't call her "the missing link."

Joanie wows Jay and circus trainers everywhere by standing on the elephants lifted front leg. She's so awesome. All her shots look fabulous, and Jay is shocked at how the elephant and she seem to have a connection. I love her so.

Jade again has to remind us that, "I don't pay attention to Joanie. She's not on my level."

Liiiiiiiiiies! Liiiiiiiiiies!

Sara totally copies Joanie's moves, and not very well. Oh, Sara.

Jade's delusion continues, because her lips are moving, "I am a threat. The girls see that and will be happy if I leave."

AND SO WILL THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, YOU STUPID TWAT!!!!!!!!!!!

Judging.

This week's retarded challenge is to convey three emotions, with a mask on, using the Thai dance moves they learned, but while still posing like a model. The emotions are sensuality, despair and compassion. I could do this.

Furonda is "high energy" but horrible, which is code for "total spaz." Her photo is nice.

Sara... I can't read what I wrote about her three emotions posing, but she gets called on copying Joanie, and not even very well.

Jade danced but didn't pose for her three emotions. Her photo looks like she's flying. They say her legs look weird and she was stiff for the whole shoot.

Joanie is consistantly fabulous. Period.

Tyra explains to the judges that Danielle was in the hospital the day before the shoot, and that asshole Nigel actually calls her "high maintenance." Jesus, why doesn't he just accuse her of the vapors and a wandering uterus? She had FOOD POISONING, Archie Bunker! The rest of the judges are impressed that she took such a gorgeous shot while sick.

Deliberations.

Jade is photogenic but knows better than everyone else.

In their infinite compassion, they agree they can't fault Danielle for being in the hospital and missing the dancing challenge. They wish her speech was "less ghetto."

Joanie is awesome on film but can't perform in person.

Furonda dances to the beat of her own drum.

Sara is much improved, but is it too little to late?

Joanie, Sara and Danielle get their photos. Of Furonda and Jade, Furonda goes home. That's it -- I'm officially an atheist. (Wait, do I still get Christmas presents?)

Jade can stay with a warning from Tyra, "Don't be your own worst enemy, Jade." Why not? She's everyone else's.

Furonda struts out of the room with her fierce-yet-goofy signature walk, endearing her to my heart even more, and hopefully making the judges regret their decision.

Next week: Bad waves threaten a beach photo shoot, and Jade is a stupid, stupid bitch. Oh no -- waves!

Posted on May 9, 2006 11:59 AM

Comments

Posted by: Celtic Elff at May 9, 2006 12:49 PM

Posted by: heather at May 9, 2006 01:12 PM

Post a comment

Name:

Email Address:

URL:

Remember This Information? YesNo

Comments: (you may use HTML tags for style)