May 18, 2006
"The Girl Who Walked Through the Ancient City"
The title of this episode of "America's Next Top Model" is deceptive because:
a.) "The Girl" implies that only one of the final two walked through the ancient city, when actually they both did.
b.) They did not walk through an ancient city but a replica of an ancient city.
So the episode is much less zen-like than we are led to believe. On with the show. We get recaps of the three girls left -- Joanie, Jade and Danielle.
Danielle busted her toe in those stupid, platform heels Tyra made them all wear. Then she got her teeth fixed by the dentist. Then she went to the hospital quite sick. She receives accolades for being a trooper, but THE ACCENT! OH, MY GOD, THE ACCENT! THE HORROR! I've never had any trouble understanding Danielle. And would it really be so terrible to have a Cover Girl that Southerners could relate to? Get over it, Tyra. Her photos are better than yours.
They again point out that Joanie is from Beaver Falls. Is it because Beaver Falls makes then snicker? Or are they just so shocked that there are attractive people outside of L.A. and N.Y.C.? And we get to see more of the dentistry she underwent. Great.
Jade's recap isn't so much about what planet she's from or what she's gone through during the competition. It's more about what a raging bitch she is. More excuses, more arrogance. What, like we all forgot why we hate her?
This pre-show recap is completely unnecessary. As if anyone is sitting down to the t.v. and goes, "What's this show? Well, it's the season finale, and I've never seen the other episodes. I'll watch it!"
The girls are eating breakfast or something, and Jade has another head scarf on. I'd love to tell her she's pretentious to her face, cuz you know she'd have no idea what it means, and I could pass it off as a compliment, while Danielle and Joanie snicker behind her back. And then we'd all go to the mall and ditch Jade.
Jade tells the girls that she'll be happy for whoever wins. Riiiiight. Has a bigger lie ever been told? Then again, she's probably so sure that she'll be the winner, she's being completely truthful.
Danielle admits she's pretty strung out and tired of surprises. Jade jumps from her seat, screaming about someone being there and runs into the other room. Danielle is hanging from the ceiling by her fingernails. Jade starts laughing, and it dawns on the other two that she was totally messing with their heads. Nice girl.
Joanie interviews, "Pleeeeaaaase send Jade home! Her personality smells like a dirty diaper."
Joanie should totally be writing this recap.
Tyra Mail! The girls are gonna be easy, breezy and beautiful. Wanna bet?
Jay shows up with three envelopes, each containing a different script because they're each doing different commercials. But they're all for Cover Girl's new mascara.
Danielle is resolute, "I'm not going home because I have an accent."
Jade asks Jay, "Are we allowed to improvise?" I.e. Can she just make shit up as she goes along?
Um, no.
They meet the photographers, and he's all, "Eyelashes are hard to shoot." Oh, to have his troubles.
Joanie starts off as some charicature of a Barbie doll, and Jay tells her to "give me Joanie, not what you think a Cover Girl should be." And that's all she needs to nail it.
Jade interviews that she thinks people expect more from her because they can see how much potential she has. Oh, lawdy. I roll my eyes so hard that they do a complete 360, and now my retinas are all tangled up.
As expected, Jade is rambling and making shit up and not even remotely paying homage to the script she was supposed to have learned. And to make matters worse, her hair just couldn't be more awful. It's almost enough to make me feel bad for her. Almost.
Her bleached-out hair has gotten longer, frizzier and nappier. And there's just no hiding those roots. Geez, why don't they give her a touch-up or something? How is she supposed to "rock" terrible hair?
She's doing so poorly, Jay brings out cue cards for her. And she still can't say the words. Jay and I start to wonder the same thing -- can Jade read? I mean, for reals -- if she's illiterate, it would explain a lot: the insecurity, the over-compensation, the ridiculous vocabulary.
But, much to my chagrin, she finally pulls it together and gives them one great take. The director's assistant is probably mouthing the words to her, in exchange for a hummer later. Jay tells her it was great, but to me, it sounded like she was being sarcastic and thinking, 'This is so lame,' to herself the whole time.
The accent issue has Danielle in a tizzy, so she completely blanks when she gets in front of the camera. But, like the other girls, she sucks it up in the end and does a fabulous take. It's obvious she's trying to play down the accent, and it works.
Then they go to the still photos, and the photographer tells Danielle that her lashes look awesome.
Joanie is not used to her smile, yet, which I can understand, and needs some coaxing from the photographer.
Jade... oh, God, her hair. They dealt with her horrible hair by parting it on the side and plastering it down like Dennis the Menace. It's just awful. They also put her in a matronly mother-of-the-bride dress. I think Jay is making her look ugly on purpose, a tactic I heartily endorse.
Jade interviews that "modeling comes natural to me," and she's got her hands all over her face. The photographer is less than impressed and tells her "don't be too diva."
Tyra Mail! Only two will go on. Did the girls really need mail to tell them that? I mean, at this point, I think even Jade has caught on.
At judging, Tyra is in some all dusty-mauve ensemble that makes her look like a baby-doll-Victorian-hooker-grandma. I just can't wrap my brain around it. I guess maybe she's compensating for the lack of Janice?
Jade's photo is nice, but is it Cover Girl? No, because she's squinty and evil, and her nose looks really big. Okay, that last part wasn't the judges -- it was me. They say there's something... "hidden behind her expression." And from the looks on their faces, they're terrified to find out.
Jade, in return, offers more excuses, and the judges are clearly dumbfounded that she's still pulling this same crap. She says she hasn't taken acting classes and wasn't prepared enough for the commercial, then she goes off on a tangent about actors and how she is impressed and inspired by them.
And then, because she can see the incredulous looks on their faces, she ends with a kiss-ass, "And I'm inspired by you, too, Tyra." Yeah, throw her a bone because she was so hurt to be left off your Christmas card list, Jade. You knob.
Awesomely, Tyra corrects her with, "Everything you've been doing these past weeks has been to prepare you for this commercial, Jade." And then she adds something to the effect of, "I can't believe you're still arguing with us."
Joanie is wearing a grey tank top to judging. Doesn't she remember Tyra telling her that gray washes her out? Geez, if I were them, I'd prepare for judging like I had a date with Ian McShane (who has knocked Dominic Monaghan way the hell off my List of Five).
Her photo gets mixed reviews. Tight mouth, great eyes, looks like Grace Kelly. Joanie asks, "She was a dancer, right?" Which kinda makes me cringe. Tyra's aghast, too, as she almost shouts, "And a princess!" Hee!
Danielle makes Nigel melt, and honestly, she looks like an angel. Everyone she worked with said she was the most personable, and everyone on the panel gave her props for better articulation. Everyone but Tyra, that is, who just "didn't like it at all." BITCH!
Deliberations.
Miss J. and Twiggy jump to Danielle's defense saying that a little bit of voice coaching is all Danielle needs. Which is probably the nicest thing Miss J. has said all season.
Joanie just can't take a bad photo.
Jade is just dead set on being a model. Her photos are good, but she's always answering back.
At this point, I was terrified that Danielle was going home, and we'd be stuck with another half hour of Jade. So I went and got some chocolate during the commercial placed strategically to add drama. Whatever.
Joanie gets the first photo, and Tyra tells her that there's a 50% chance of being ANTM. Oh, there goes Ty-Ty, showing off her math skills again!
Tyra does her recap of the judges deliberations for both Danielle and Jade. Jade stands there, shifting her weight back and forth, fidgeting, looking anywhere but at Tyra while she's talking to her. It's like watching an upperclassman get busting for smoking in the locker room. I'm embarrassed for her.
And Tyra points out, "Jade, you're just standing there fidgeting and not saying anything, but you're still talking."
I'm so torn between love and hate for Tyra.
DANIELLE GETS HER PHOTO! Jade goes home! Step off, bitch!
She exits the room with, "Peace, ladies. Thank you." No insincere hugs, thank God. She just couldn't be more pissed, and that whole room just couldn't be happier to see her go.
While packing, she interviews, "My only regret is that they've made the wrong decision and will pick the wrong person to win. I'm just in a different realm. People don't know how to handle me."
Ever the cocky, delusional robot, Jade hums and snaps her fingers as she exits their pad. Oh, you showed us, Jade! You'll never let The Man get you down! The show a photo of the final three girls, and Jade disappears from it to the sound of her own finger snap, which I love because it's somehow so fitting. You did it to yourself, honey.
So now, Joanie and Danielle are the Cutest. Top Two. Evah. So cute, I can't even believe I debased them with that over-used phrasing. Sorry, gals! My love for you is real!
Tyra Mail! "Your body is your temple. Work it, and make me proud."
The girls are going to walk in some huge fashion show for "Issue." The runway is some big city they built on the water, and it's reeeeaaaalllllllly looooooooooooooong. It's also in the afternoon, and it's going to be 99 degrees. Fun, fun, fun.
Lots of going on and on about the runway and how much they both want to win. I guess, when there's only two girls left, and they're both pretty nice, you have to rely on a lot of filler.
Lots of nervousness and waiting backstage. Danielle has to walk carrying a drum. And she's wearing tie-dyed leggings under her outfit. Just like I did in 1986.
Joanie is so nervous that she worries she may be at her "breaking point."
Danielle walked too slow, according to Jay. She was just trying not to slip on the truckload of flower petals they dumped on the runway.
Joanie has a ton of feathers on her head. Honestly, all the clothes are really weird. I wonder if they get to keep what they modeled? Because where the hell are they going to wear them again?
Jay is so proud that they looked like models. Um, should someone remind him of the whole premise of the show? Can someone please get Jay a cue card?! Tyra is so proud that she's tearing up. She must have perfected that technique for her talk show. Joanie gets weepy, too.
Judging. The girls are in their runway outfits. Well, I guess that's one place they can wear them because they'll never look more ridiculous than Tyra.
At this point, I stopped taking a lot of notes because I was sure Joanie was going to win, what with Tyra being all about the hate for Danielle's accent.
Danielle had Miss J's walk. Everyone looks at each girl's entire portfolio, and there just isn't a bad photo in the lot. Tyra asks if there's anything the girls would like to say, and both graciously thank the judges for the experience. Very classy.
The girls leave the room, and the judges declare this race the hardest one yet. The girls are neck in neck, and for once, I completely agree. Usually I have a clear winner in mind, but this time, damn.
The girls come back into the room holding hands. Awwwwwwwww! I start to hope that Tyra will make ANTM history by choosing TWO winners, but I realize that that probably wouldn't fly with their sponsors.
Much suspense and breath-holding... and Danielle is the winner! I'm so happy for her and sad for Joanie at the same time! It's very emotional! And now I'm going all Tyra on you guys -- how embarassing.
Joanie is incredibly gracious and tells Danielle, "The best girl won." And consider my heartstrings yanked because that is a damn cool thing to say after losing something so important to her. I have completely forgiven her for being so catty in the last episode.
Danielle is all teary and says to the camera, "I'm a Cover Girl, Mommy!"
Aaaaaand that's where I lost it. Alert the media and wake the pope -- Wenchie has a soft spot after all.
Well, now what am I going to read on Television Without Pity? "Supernatural" is over, too. For the season, or for good, I don't know. Well, there's always Mondo Extras and my Xena DVDs! And "Deadwood" starts up again on June 11th! YAY!!!!!!
Oh! Almost forgot! Husband wasn't home to watch; he was downtown at Older Step Daughter's end-of-the-year recital, which started at 8:00. He called at 8:27 to ask who won. BWAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
I'm sorry to confess -- it didn't occur to me to lie and say it was Jade. He would have screamed to drown out the whole horn section.
Comments
I FINALLY got to watch it last night! It conflicted with the Amazing Race so I watch the rebroadcast.
I was gleeful when Jade finally bit the dust. The snapping was retarded. I couldn't decide who I wanted to win more, I think I liked Joanie just a tad better.
For the next installment I'm going to try and catch it from the beginning.
Posted by: Hope at May 24, 2006 03:39 PM