May 15, 2006
"The Girls Go to Phuket"
Didn't I just do this? I never thought I'd say this, but thank God this is the next-to-last episode of "America's Next Top Model." Although I have found more truly likable girls this season, Jade's continued presence is just unbearable.
Speaking of which, we open to see Jade. Bitching. Again. "I've been in the Bottom Two so many times! I don't belong there! I don't know why people keep getting a different perception of me!" When is someone going to shred her face with their fingernails? When?!
Danielle is in the pool with Sara -- bow-chicka-bowwwwwww -- and is obsessing over her southern accent, which Tyra keeps calling "ghetto," even tho' it isn't. She said she speed-talks and her words get jumbled together. I disagree; I've heard every hilarious thing she has said. I think Tyra is just a snob.
Sara is talking about the mall thing again. Yawn.
In a surprise move, Joanie gets bitching and starts talking smack about Sara, saying that modeling isn't her "real passion." So I guess she doesn't deserve to be there? Well, I didn't exactly grow up dreaming of the glamorous world of typing and filing, but I'm good at it, so who gives a crap?
Tyra mail! [Insert unclever rhymey thing here] -- go-sees!
The girls arrive at a temple and meet a designer who is going to teach them a bit about Thai customs for their go-sees. Jade is awed about the biggest temple she's ever seen close-up. Temples are in the log cabin family, doncha know.
Thailand means country of smiles, so the girls must smile all the time, like being in a wedding that lasts your entire life. You must take off your shoes before going inside, which I kinda like because it drives me nuts when people track shit into my house. Also, if you go visit someone, it's customary to bring them a gift.
Man, I could really get into Thailand. If not for the fakey-smile thing.
Then she gives the girls their portfolios of all the photos they've had taken over the course of the competition. And I gotta tell ya, if you're trying to break into modeling, that right there is a huge deal. It's gotta be worth thousands of dollars.
The girls are given, like, $80,000 baht to buy presents, which is like $1.57. They go to what I assume is the Thai equivalent of The Dollar Store. Jade buys flowers, and Danielle buys little elephants. With this whole Thai gift-buying policy, I would imagine that every house in Thailand is just packed full of chatchkies and knick-knacks and gagadills.
Sara almost forgets her portfolio in The Baht Store.
When they're done shopping, the girls are each to take a little taxi called a tuk-tuk to all their go-sees. The tuk-tuks are like a cross between a moped and a mini coup.
Jade is all upset because she wants doors and windows on her car. Now, I'm all for living in the lap of luxury, but honestly, the tuk-tuks don't look all that bad. Maybe she's afraid of getting shit thrown at her? Or an assassination attempt?
Whereas Danielle is just afraid that they'll take a wrong turn and end up in Korea. Apparently, she's been taking geography lessons from Jade because one would have to take a wrong turn and then drive through the entire country of China to get to North Korea. Oh, Danielle, don't make me hate you, too.
At Sara's first go-see, the lady loves her gift, but Sara is too tall and too old (22).
Joanie goes to some place where the theme is Alice In Wonderland meets Best Little Whorehouse In Texas. She must do her best runway walk wearing a huge frog mask and frilly, yellow lingerie. Apparently, all the animals are meeting for tea with the Mad Hatter, and then swapping partners.
Just minutes behind Joanie is Jade, but unfortunately, there are no stalking laws in Thailand.
Jade watches Joanie's go-see and interviews, "I don't know if lingerie is Joanie's thing. She doesn't really have a lingerie body. I have a lingerie body."
Maybe, Jade, but you also have a paper-bag face. The Alice In Whorehouse In Texas designer doesn't like how Jade is "moody" and not smiling. Huh. You'd think that watching Joanie work at a "level" so far beneath her own would make Jade smile. Weird.
Danielle forgets to take off her shoes, but the designer really likes her portfolio.
Sara is walking for the designer, who tells her to "walk more gentle." Like she's walking on the fragile bubble that is Jade's reality. Having chosen a new stalkee, Jade watches Sara's go-see and cackles. I'm sorry, the all the usual words -- bitch, twat, stalker-alien-robot -- just don't cut it anymore.
Unhappy with her waning appearance, Danielle deadpans to the camera, "Do you know what heat and humidity does to a black girl's hair?"
And I can honestly answer -- no, I don't. But judging by the look on her face, it ain't good. My hair is pretty darn straight. I once spent a week in Atlanta in the middle of August, and my hair burst into ringlets. Ringlets, people!
At the 4:30 p.m. deadline -- which they were told was very, very important -- all four girls are stuck in traffic. Not exactly their fault. Sara and Joanie arrive back at 4:45, which isn't too bad, but I'm a rude American, so what do I know?
Danielle arrives at 5:05, and Jade strolls in at 5:40 with her what's-the-big-deal? attitude. Jade made sure to see ALL the designers on the list, regardless of time, because she decided that that was the most important thing -- not getting back on time so people don't have to wait on your skinny ass.
Sounds like Jade knows she's not going to win, so she's getting her face in front of as many people who might possibly help her post-ANTM career.
The designer bawls them all out and reads the list of comments collected from their go-sees. Sara has huge potential but seems a little stiff. Danielle's appearance in person was not good (am I the only one who can't see this Black Hair Humidity Issue on her?), but her photos were well-liked. Jade was not as nice as the other girls. Joanie doesn't stand out.
The winner would have been Danielle, who would have won a rack of clothes from each designer on the go-see, but since everyone was late getting back, no one wins.
Well, at least it wasn't Jade.
Danielle goes, "Please punch me in the face."
Tyra mail! Something about "just wanting to say Phuket." Which is pronounced [foo-ket'] and is a providence famous for its diving and snorkeling.
"The water and Jade -- we mix." Oh, I love it when people talk about themselves in the third person. It makes Wenchie want to throw her shoe at them.
The girls have to take a plane there, and they get to stay at this amazing house right on the ocean, where Joanie suddenly turns into a bitch. She's angry with Sara and complains to Danielle about modeling not being Sara's passion.
Danielle, wisely, tells Joanie to focus on herself and not on Sara. Which is probably Danielle's way of saying that she doesn't want to hear Joanie's bitching, but that doesn't stop her! She goes on that Sara copies her and shouldn't be there and blah blah blah.
Tyra mail! Something about taking a bath because they're going to get dirty...? Oh, she's just not even trying anymore.
Tyra comes for a visit, in a do-rag and pajamas. She talks about how Phuket is paradise, but on December 26, 2004, it was struck by that huge tsunami. Blah blah must respect history and culture blah blah celebrate rebuilding blah blah. Moment of silence, holding hands in a circle. *sigh* Are the girls going to put on their bathing suits soon? I think Tyra got this show confused with her talk show.
Danielle starts to cry and is really affected by it, which is kinda cool that she's so empathetic. Is there anything I don't love about her?
Joanie interviews that it made all the crap between them disappear for a moment. Aaaaaaaand then they're back to hating Jade.
Jay appears to explain that their shoot is for Elle Girl magazine, Apple Mobil and O.P. swimwear, and all the reps for these products are going to be watching the shoot. No pressure or anything.
Danielle is still freaked out by the thought of bodies floating in the very water they're going to be posing in. Jade admits to being intimidated by having Nigel as their photographer. Probably because he's a total pervert.
The waves are really rough on Joanie because she's only slightly heavier than seaweed. She is "fierce" and "works it" anyway.
Sara poses on the rocks and is completely tense. Nigel keeps telling her to relax her face. Or sit on his. It's hard to hear, what with the waves and all.
Jade is standing on some boat that keeps rocking, but she stays on it because she knows that Nigel will admire her plucky resolve.
Danielle is STILL freaking about the tsunami victims, and Nigel gives her some very good advice about not letting it ruin her shoot and focusing on the beauty of the place.
The girls leave Phuket on a plane and head back for a "stressful elimination." Yeah, I've never been so keyed up. Tyra mail, go before the judges, yadda yadda yadda. Danielle is nervous about her photos and her accent.
Commercials. My phone rings. It's my Mom. How considerate of her to call during commercials! Because you know I don't answer the phone while I'm watching t.v. -- not even for Mom.
M: I don't know why, but I'm watching "America's Next Top Model."
PW: HA! I know why! It's because my recaps drove you to it!
M: Are you watching right now?
PW: Of course.
M: Okay -- what's with the two skinny, white girls? Why are they even on the show? They're ugly!
PW: Yeah, but they give good face.
Officially the Coolest Conversation I Ever Had with My Mom.
Judging!
Joanie looks awesome. Jade looks washed out because she's wearing a shirt that matches her skin color and her hair color. Ew. And as long as we're all judging, can I just say that Twiggy looks great? She seems to be aging a lot more gracefully than most beautiful, famous women.
The girls will be judged on two photos -- the polaroid taken at their go-sees, and the bathing suit photo. Tyra says that the polaroids are more "real." She also gives us a demonstration of her "real" booty and her "model" booty. One is huge, and one is huge and tucked under.
Danielle's polaroid is okay, and she explains how the hot and sweaty tuk-tuk ride affected her hair. The Elle Girl shot is too sexy for a girls' magazine. Tyra explains the difference between modeling for men and modeling for women.
Tonight's "America's Next Top Model" is brought to you by Opposites!
Sara's polaroid looks shy and too amateur. Also? She can't smile with her eyes. What is she...? Is she pruning the tree? Trya smiles with her eyes and looks terrifyingly manic.
Jade needs to smile and show warmth in her polaroids, and in life in general. Is it just me, or does she have a lazy eye? Her photo is good. If you like girls who look like they're always about to cut you. Tyra remarks that she looked stiff in a lot of her photos, and Nigel jumps to her defense about the rocking boat.
Tyra loves that Joanie finally "looks modely" in front of the judges. Her polaroid shows that she needs to push her arms and shoulders back. They looooooooove her photo and say she looks really young. Jade's sun-damaged forehead wrinkles in dismay.
Deliberations.
Joanie and Jade get photos, which means, yes, Jade is in the Final Three. Words fail me.
Sara has progressed, but has she progressed enough? Can Danielle learn to be articulate enough to be a Cover Girl spokes model?
Danielle stays, and Tyra lies, "Accents are beautiful because they show where we come from." She's such a hypocrite. Twiggy probably shamed her into it.
On Wednesday: SEASON FINALE!!! Don't be calling my house.