May 04, 2006
This Is the BEST!
Okay, here are the top 10 searches that recently brought people to my site. My favorites have been bolded:
1. pirate wench
2. wench
3. pirate wench outfit
4. mint tulip party pleaser shoes
5. danielle jade mermaid
6. world s biggest vagina
7. draw the pirate
8. fuck me shoes
9. hold urine while puking
10. when she was bad she was horrid
I'm so glad that some Strawberry Shortcake fan was trying to find the shoes to complete her Mint Tulip Party Pleaser's outfit, and she came here. I wonder if she stayed to look around, or recoiled in horror and took a long, hot shower.
I just couldn't be more pleased that searches for "America's Next Top Model" are bringing people here! Bring me your poor, your tired, your bitchy, your accessorizingly-challenged!
How... why would anyone search for "hold urine while puking?" Is this a problem experienced by millions of Americans, peeing while puking? Did I miss the special "Dateline" broadcast?
I love that someone was searching for the line in some old poem my Grandma used to say to me, and it brought them here. I hope it wasn't someone's Grandma. I don't want to be responsible for a stroke.
And now, I have to tell you a story about The World's Biggest Vagina! But I'm going to clean it up a tad because even I have my limits. Seriously, it's that bad. Yes, even your favorite cunttard has standards of decency, paper-thin as they may be.
I was a big nerdy loser in school. All through school. My "ugly phase" lasted for over a decade. I had many nemeses, but one stands out in particular.
He was in my grade, and we were in the same Sunday school class K-12. We were friends for many years, but somewhere along the way, it occurred to him that he probably shouldn't be associating with someone as homely and weird as I.
But being a teenaged boy, he couldn't leave it at that. He had to break me down and crap on me. I imagine it was pretty awkward for our mutual friends, with whom we both ate lunch.
One day, he made a joke -- and here's where I'm cleaning it up -- that my vagina was so stretched-out from much usage that my next boyfriend would have to go spelunking to find my previous boyfriend.
It was the crudest thing anyone has ever said to me, before or since, and he said it in front of all our friends. It earned him the priviledge of wearing his Coke in his hair and on his shirt for the rest of the afternoon.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am the owner of the World's Biggest Vagina. And I'm trying to get Vaginal Spelunking acknowledged by the Olympic Board as a legitimate sport. Look for it in Beijing in 2008!
God, I so want to make World's Biggest Vagina my new masthead. I just fear the weirdos it would bring.
And as a side note, I think it says a lot about how far I've come in my relationship with my mother, that I now fear the creepy perverts of the world more than I fear reprimand from her. Happy Mother's Day, Mom!
Comments
Coke? That's all you did. I'm afraid I would have kicked his nuts so hard, his kids would be born with shoe polish on their heads!
Posted by: Queen of Ass at May 4, 2006 02:06 PM
Will that be synchronized Spelunking, or free syle? :) BTW, I found you from another blog page - you're entries are great!
Posted by: Barbara at May 4, 2006 04:58 PM
That is the happiest story I have ever heard. Especially the part about dumping the Coke on his head.
Posted by: Uncle Twitchy at May 4, 2006 05:47 PM