June 13, 2006
My Hate For All Things Strappy
I am morose and limp with apathy today. No inclination to blog. I shall go home, flop on the futon and drink beer from a coffee mug.
Why? ask my beloved readers (both of you), ever concerned for my health and well-being.
Because I have TWO weddings coming up, and nothing to wear.
Yes, nothing to wear. Men, these three words may elicit weary eye-rolling from you, but from us women, it falls nothing short of SHEER TERROR.
I literally have nothing to wear to a summer wedding, as the last one I attended was my own. You men have it soooooo easy, and I say that with so much derision that I had to wipe spittle off my monitor. Suit, shirt, tie, whatever. It never changes, it can be worn anywhere, any time, any place.
I envy you.
Last wedding I went to, I wore black skirt, black shoes, colorful top. But I know that's a look that says, "I didn't know what to wear, and I waited until the last minute, and this was my fallback position." Booooooooooooor-iiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!
Oh, and the other factors? The chilling, mind-exploding factors? It's not like this is just Heather's wedding (to which I am dressing like a pirate -- for reals).
The first wedding? I'm singing for it.
The second wedding? Is one of Husband's employees, so I have to be Stepford Arm Candy that night. I have to look classy. I have to act classy. I have to smell classy.
And dudes? I ain't classy.
Here's my entire wardrobe:
Work:
* Jersey-knit pants in black, brown and grey.
* V-neck shirts and sweaters in various colors, never tucked in.
* Medium-heeled loafers in black, brown and grey.
* Silver jewelry, so it's not too obvious that my outfit is just one step above pajamas.
Going out:
* Levi's 515 jeans, low-rise, bootleg, in blue, grey or tan.
* V-neck shirts and sweaters in various colors, never tucked in.
* Medium-heeled boots in black or brown.
* Silver jewelry.
Staying home:
* Hello Kitty! pajamas.
* Pink slippers.
Was I wrong? NOTHING TO WEAR.
I just spend the past two hours looking at Special Occasion Dresses and Strappy Sandals on Nordstrom's website. Everything formal is strapless or spaghetti straps, and with shoulders like a linebacker, I just don't do bare shoulders. Or bralessness. Plus, there's the tattoo to contend with...
I just went and got me a pack o' Ho-Hos. Dinner tonight? A brick of cream cheese.
Comments
The Wife needs to go out and get a dress for a wedding this Friday. Give her a call.
Posted by: Marty at June 13, 2006 02:47 PM
Yeah, but I'm going to Nordstrom's, not Dress Barn.
Posted by: Wenchie at June 13, 2006 02:58 PM
don't worry, I'm taking wenchie out to get something pretty.
I'm ignoring her hate for the strappy, as I can't imagine a spring outfit without pretty sandals!
Posted by: heather at June 13, 2006 03:08 PM
You act like there's something wrong with cream cheese for dinner.
Posted by: Queen of Ass at June 13, 2006 04:23 PM
Hey Wenchie ... what about the kick-ass outfit you bought for Hubbys posh-posh dinner thing a while ago?
Sounded mightyfine.
Posted by: Snippy Bitch at June 13, 2006 04:42 PM
Oh, it IS mightfine. But it's black, and the ankle-length, black, velvet skirt is probably not best suited for an afternoon in June. If I could find the same outfit in soft pink, I'd be in business.
Posted by: Wenchie at June 13, 2006 09:54 PM
I know what you mean with the shoulders. I have slender enough shoulders to manage straps, but capped sleeves or sleeveless-but-not-strappy, I cannot do. I have the arms they talk about in the "What Not To Wear" book. The definitive arms.
That said, your work outfits sound like what I wear every day. I wear lightweight jersey knit pants (specifically mens sleep pants) in three shades of grey because they're COMFY as all hell. I even cut one pair off to capri length. V-neck t-shirts replace sweaters, because this is Texas, after all. Sweaters are only for the frigid (40°) depths of December and January. Why yes, I do like my heat, thanks.
Posted by: Homidus Celticus Corax at June 13, 2006 10:23 PM
Hello Kitty! pajamas. Pink slippers.
What's wrong with wearing these?
Posted by: Max at June 14, 2006 02:16 PM