July 05, 2006
The Aging Cliff
Everyone calls it "The Aging Process," but I don't think it's a process. I don't see it as a slow, steady slide. I've noticed that I can hum along at a fairly decent clip for a while and then suddenly drop off a cliff screaming "Holy shit, I'm ooooooooooooooooold!" all the way down.
For instance. The year I turned 32, I developed allergies where there were none before; I gained 20 lbs. without changing my habits one damn bit (I'm 5'9", so it doesn't look that bad on me, but still); my flawless, wrinkle-free skin suddenly had more zits than when I was in high school; and I had to have an orange-sized mass removed from a 4-inch whole in my abdomen. Dudes -- 2003 SU-U-U-U-UCKED!!!
Prior to and since then, I've been happily treading water, with only the occasional humbling moment to remind me that I'm no longer sixteen, cool, and staunchly wearing white, canvas Keds 365 days a year. In Chicago weather, no less.
The first time I opted for a hat in the winter, despite what it would do to my bangs by the time I got to work? Old.
When I made the conscious decision never to go see a movie on a weekend because of all the people? Old. And crotchety.
Having my tiny nephew tell me, "Dude! This is awesome!" Old.
Noticing that the hardcore music from my teens is now musack? Old.
And most recently?
Over the weekend, Husband, PJ and I were at our shanty-cabin in Wisconsin. On Monday, we decided to rent mopeds and cruise around the place. It was so much fun! PJ said I look like the Orbit Gum Girl in my helmet.
[Gah! I just Googled the Orbit Gum Girl, in order to provide you with a link, and I found a spanking blog with some guy talking -- in great detail -- about how fun it would be to spank the Orbit Gum Girl. And now guess what I can't stop thinking about? No, I'm not giving you the link. Google it yourself, perverts.]
Anyhoo, that was my I'm So Old moment. I actually wore a helmet.
I gave up everything I believe in -- namely, my inalienable right to die a quick death by splattering my head like a melon on the cement -- to suffer flat bangs and a chin strap all day.
Why? Because -- heavens to Betsy -- we were going TWENTY MILES AN HOUR!
Apparently, I turned 63 over the weekend. So where are my goddamn presents?!
Comments
if I should, one day, ride a bike outside, there is no freakin' way I'll wear a helmet.
it would be such a shame to severely injure myself in a bike accident and deprive my family members the right to pull my plug.
hee. I said "pull my plug".
Posted by: heather at July 5, 2006 02:03 PM
I realized I was old the other day when I saw a younger girl's thong sticking out the top of her jeans and thought 'how inappropriate'. That, and hearing a song on the OLDIES channel and thinking to myself...'I remember when that was first released.'
Gah!!
Posted by: Hope at July 5, 2006 02:55 PM
You're up at the shanty/cabin and wearing a helmet???
I can understand wearing a helmet around here ... but up there?
Yikes! You're older than me!
PS ... your presents are at your parents ... moving more 50lb boxes of books. heheheee!!!!!
Posted by: Snippy Bitch at July 5, 2006 03:13 PM
You're making me feel like a huge loser - I'm almost 28 and I've already hit those milestones you listed!
Wow. Usually I like to read your blog, but now I'm sad at my own, premature downward spiral.
But I'm willing to sacrifice myself to make you feel any better: feel free to point and laugh as I can (thankfully) not hear you from Cleveland.
Posted by: Kate at July 5, 2006 03:22 PM