July 19, 2006
Nicki's Career Threat Level System
I believe I have mentioned, on at least one occasion, my lackadaisical attitude towards my work wardrobe, which more closely resembles pajamas than anything Tess McGill ever wore. I have a head for business, a bod for sin, and a cotton hoodie.
Nicki shares my loathing of corporate dress. She also loathes her job, and with good reason, as she is contractually obligated to be patient and kind with fucking retards every day. So her poor fashion choices may be just a symptom of the larger problem of her husband being unable to support her in a luxurious, work-free lifestyle.
But I'm not her damn shrink, so I'm not going into that here. We both push the limits, is the point.
I have started to notice certain trends in Nicki's appearance. A ponytail means that she opted to sleep in rather than wash her hair. A t-shirt means that she has recently screwed up so badly that one of the C.E.O.s is probably going to jail. Ponytail and t-shirt means to check her trunk for bodies.
To make these things easier for me to interpret (so I'll know when to prepare an alibi and/or wait outside with the car running), Nicki developed a new Threat Level System for her impending career-ending mental snap:
[I have edited for continuity because, let's face it, the broad is barely coherent.]
* * * * *
The following is a chart to help decipher (black dress pants are a constant):
US Homeland Level: Red - Severe
Career Snap Level: T-shirt, No Jewelry
Expanded Description
Employee is not even trying. She sports no make-up and dirty ponytail, paired with a late arrival and excessive sighing and trips to the kitchen for water and snacks to fill the sucking void of corporate gloom.
US Homeland Level: Orange - High
Career Snap Level: T-shirt, Necklace and/or Earrings
Expanded Description
Employee attempts last minute appearance-save by adding necklace to the shirt worn to edge the lawn and sweep the garage over the weekend. Eye make-up only, to balance the bling of the necklace. Hair down and unbrushed.
US Homeland Level: Yellow - Elevated
Career Snap Level: Pilled Knit Top, Gym Shoes
Expanded Description
Employee cannot be bothered to iron but wears full make-up, as this requires less appliances than ironing. Gym shoes are passive-aggressive swipe at draconian corporate policies. Also, loafers are lost in the house due to lack of time to properly organize her life.
US Homeland Level: Green - Guarded
Career Snap Level: Dress Shirt, Coordinating Purse
Expanded Description
Employee must have somewhere better to go directly after work and will undoubtedly skip out at least fifteen minutes early.
US Homeland Level: Blue - Low
Career Snap Level: Same as Green Level, plus Perfume
Expanded Description
Actually the most dangerous level. Contempt and despair so carefully and deliberately concealed that employee may never return from a trip to the copier.
* * * * *
I, myself, am wearing a ponytail and glasses today (as opposed to contacts). Also, we took a two-hour lunch. In about five minutes, I'm just gonna put my feet up and crack open Anne Rice's latest book, I swear to God. Level Orange! Level Orange!
Comments
I have one friend who wears her 'bee shirt' to work when she doesn't want people to talk to her. It's yellow and black striped. Her philosphy is, if animals have warning colors, so should people.
Another friend wears her 'Do I look like a fucking people person?' under her sweater when she's not in the mood to work.
I have to say the best is when a friend of mine worked the early morning shift doing weather reports for local radio stations. She showed up hung over and since people can't see her, she wore her 'Weather's Shity' shirt while giving the forecast.
Posted by: Hope at July 20, 2006 09:57 AM