September 12, 2006
Open Call
I was just asked, for the billionth time, "What are you going to do, now that your friend Nicholle is gone?"
I don't really buy their faux-concern. They might as well be commenting about the weather, for all they care about my mental state. Nor do I have any sort of cognative answer for them, so I've just been answering with, "Die."
And then it occurred to me -- does everyone in this company assume I have no other friends? I mean, sure, Nicki is my BESTIE, but not to the exclusion of all others. New Girl is adorable and just ripe for apprenticeship in The Ways of Bitchery. And really, I just couldn't ask for the women in my very own department to be any cooler. I hang with them... when they let me.
Wait. Do I have no other friends here? Is that a company-wide seret, to which I am not privy? Oh, dear.
There's only one solution.
I'm holding an open call for auditions to be my new Cubicle Comrade. My BFF in Business. A Lily Tomlin to my Dolly Parton.
I don't have a questionairre prepared or anything. I guess I'm just waiting for someone to Wow me. But I will give you a few guidelines.
I suppose my needs are mostly dietary: When we go out to eat (as we will, at least once a week), I would prefer to get something and split it. Portions are just too huge in restaurants. So here are the things we cannot eat: seafood of any kind, mushrooms, onions, califlower, cilantro, jalepenos, olives, pork.
Also, you can't dress very well. Now that Nicholle has gone, and taken her unwashed hair, wrinkled t-shirt and Target jewelry with her, I am dangerously close to being Worst Dressed Employee. The only people standing in my way are the few who wear golf sweaters, shop exclusively in JC Penney's Sag Harbog dept., and who think that seasonally-themed appliques on their clothes are okay for people over the age of seven.
I don't always have to be the center of attention, but I can't have someone in tailored business suits, Prada shoes and perfectly coiffed hair making me look even more slovenly than I already am. A half-hearted collection of dark clothing from New York & Co. and the clearance racks at Coldwater Creek would really work best for my second in command.
A bitter hatred for all of humanity is a must. If your soul has long since fled you, leaving behind a dark and empty shell, you're one of the few people I can stand having lunch with. Also, no morals whatsosever -- I don't appreciate being judged.
A nice plus, but not a necessity, would be a completely insane set of in-laws to dish about. Possible topics would include: alcohol abuse, inability to function in any social situation, adultery, age-inappropriate clothing and questionable parenting skills.
So, yeah, if you or anyone you know seems to fit these qualifications, give me a buzz on extention #2928. It's a pretty attractive position, and I'm sure there will be dozens of applicants, so if you'd like to bake something to sweeten the deal, I'm totally open to bribes. No carrot cake.
Couch auditions are, of course, always welcome.
Comments
Hee! I would totally rock at this! Although my new push up bra and Banana Republic v neck just might make me a bit too boob-a-licious to fill the spot. I'd like a cyber audition if I may.
Posted by: elle at September 13, 2006 08:58 AM
Do I get to go help you buy bras?
Posted by: Anxious Applicant at September 13, 2006 12:57 PM