October 04, 2006
"The Girl Who Hates Her Hair"
Ohhhhhhhhhh, YEAH! Tyra's BACK, bay-bee! And her weave is bigger than ever!
I guess it's about damn time I review the second episode of "America's Next Top Model," considering the third one is on tonight. And I've entirely abandoned the idea of reviewing the first one -- a two-hour extravaganza! -- because I watched it on Billi's TiVo while wrangling The Boy Child & The Girl Child and cleaning her house, so I retain almost nothing, except for the fact that I really think Tyra has outdone herself with this season's Black Chick Who Everyone Hates (BCWEH).
(This just in: Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Frapuccino is the new heroin!)
I really think Ms. Banks could have come up with a better name for this episode. I mean, it was nice to be able to look forward to a dramatic sob-fest, as the makeover episodes always are, but serioulsy. "The Girl Who Hates Her Hair"? She's not even trying. What about "The Girl Who Made Jay Roll His Eyes So Hard He Fainted" or "The Black Chick Who Everyone Hates So Much You Know She'll Be Around For So Long That You'll Start To Secretly Love Her A Little Bit"?
Previously: In the hot tub, a few girls pronounce Melrose's tears "fake." (She was in the final two last week and narrowly avoided being sent home.) Monique is the Black Chick Who Everyone Hates, by a unanimous vote. (She was slow and failed to claim a bed for herself, so she poured water on one of the girls' bed and told her she peed on it so it's hers, forcing the other girl to sleep on a beanbag chair. Then, when the girls were pow-wowing about the take-a-quick-shower rule, Monique was all, "I can't do that. I need a certain amount of time. It's just who I am, and I'm not changing." I predict hair-pulling.)
The girls meet Jay and Miss J. for breakfast. Jay talks about bringing vulnerability to their work, and we're reminded that the Kim-look-alike token androgenous chick was in a plane crash in which her mother died. You know how Tyra loves a good sob story (i.e. last season's Hurricane Katrina victim who didn't know where her family was but decided to audition for a modeling competition in lieu of finding them).
Tyra shows up to usher the girls back to the house living room turned salon (so she could go back and finish the girls' breakfasts Helen-Keller-style).
Melrose is losing the mousey brown to go platinum blonde.
Brooke is going chocolate brown from bleach blonde -- a HUGE improvement and one that makes me want to dye my own hair brunette.
Eugena, who has already assured us that she's prettier than everyone else, is getting extentions ('cuz you know how Tyra loves a mini-me).
Megan, the plane-crash closet-lesbian, is getting a blonde pixie-cut.
Anchal, who has the typical middle-eastern hair-down-to-her-butt, is getting some length cut off, layers put in and... wait for it... hairline threading so she actually has a forehead. Ouch. And HA!
Monique the BCWEH is going honey brown, which proves that the atheists are right because, if there was a God, Monique would have gotten her head shaved.
Megg, the poser "rocker" chick, is getting a weave, too, and more curl for better head-banging and mosh-pitting and roadie-blowing. House Rule #7: If you have to keep telling everyone how Hardcore/Wild/Smart/Humble/Insert Appropriate Adjective Here you are, then YOU AREN'T.
A.J., the I-am-so-different girl (see above), is getting a Linda Evangelista cut. Oh, A.J., real goths don't want to be on the cover of Vogue. Now go cut yourself and write some shitty poetry, and be sure to include the following words: pain, death, suicide, rose, society and blood. You have fifteen minutes, starting.... now!
Michelle is becoming a redhead.
And her twin, Amanda, is becoming... a different shade of redhead. So you can tell them apart, I guess. Because they are individuals. No really!
Caridee... is so bland I don't even remember her. I think she went from blonde to blonder. Which means she's probably the next to go because they didn't invest a lot of time.
Jaeda is going Halle-Berry short, which may force me to recant my whole atheists-are-right stance because, at breakfast, she was bragging that she didn't care what they did with her hair. They could cut it all off, and she'd just work it! Well, who's the sniveling baby they named the episode after now, Eugena? Okay, I know it's a shock to loose a foot of hair, but she looks fantastic. Also? I think it's funny that she has a tranny name and they gave her a boy-cut because this "broad" has a jawbone so large you could scrape whale blubber with it.
(And since switching networks, ANTM has also changed their website, and I'm having trouble linking to individual photos, so you can just click through the before and after shots your damn self. For extra awesomeness, go here and click on Extra Footage: Makeover to see Jaeda burst into tears when Jay sheers her like a sheep.)
[And if I may interject my own two cents here -- and why wouldn't I? It's my blog! -- although I think ALL the makeovers are vast improvements, my step daughters are both prettier than half-to-most of these girls. Between Tyra and Janice, I think the wanna-be models out there are pretty much picked over.]
As a matter of fact, most of the girls are crying over their new looks. And I have to say -- Have they never seen the show? Are they all Amish and were discovered on their annual trip into the big city? Because they should know what they're in for, and they should know that blubbering over it is only going to piss off The Js. And you don't want to piss off The Js because they will sigh and roll their eyes and throw up their hands in disgust, and then you'll be sorry!
Jay read the girls the riot act, saying it's ultimately "insulting to Tyra," and then claims to be over it. Which you know he's not, and he and Miss J went out for apple-tinis after work and picked the girls apart like chickens pecking a bloody spot.
Tyra Mail: Something about "no make-up." Again -- not even trying. When is Tyra going to hire me?
(This review is getting long, and I'm only halfway done. Now would be a good time for a potty break.)
The girls have to choose clothes and make-up that best express them as a "Queen." *sigh* There are so many jokes begging to me made here, but I just don't have the time.
They're at some... place, and on different floors are different departments -- make-up, gowns, shoes. They have five minutes on each floor. If they miss the elevator, they're out.
Poser Megg doesn't even get off the first floor. Monique (BCWEH) gets stuck on the shoes floor. Boo-hoo. Melrose interviews that Monique is going to beat them all up when they get back to the house. Because Monique's failures, like the failures of all BCWEHs, are everyone else's fault.
On the top floor is Queen Latifah! Oh, you guys, I really love her. She's just so awesome. And I can't help but wonder what she really thinks of these stupid bitches, but she's so nice and encouraging to all of them.
Eugene wins the "Queen" competition for her "use of color" and chooses Caridee and Jaeda to share her prize with. The prize is a photo shoot for the Cover Girl website.
Monique, as predicted, is pissed about losing the competition which should have been hers by birthright. Apparently. But instead of beating up the other girls, she takes her anger out on them passive-aggressively, by being on the only house phone for three and a half hours.
Half the time, she's talking to her Mom, who tells her that the other girls better not mess with a "child of God" and that she is a "princess on the throne." Giving us a small glimpse of exactly why Monique is the way she is.
The rest of the time, she is literally on the phone with no one. She's just holding the phone up to her ear so the other girls can't use it. People, if she's this insane on the second episode, I think we can expect great, psychotic happenings from our little sociopath. I'm so excited!
And why was she on the phone with no one? Because Anchal, bless her little heart, went in and hung up on Monique's mom. Oh YES she did!!! But the other girls failed to back up Anchal, so the coup fell flat before accomplishing anything.
At this point in the program, Jerry's Dad came to pick him up, so I missed a few minutes. Yes, I made an eleven year old boy watch ANTM. So what? He's old enough now; he needs to learn to start judging people.
Anyway, it must involve Monique because everyone interviewed that they want her to go home. Can someone please tell me what went on with Monique at this point?
And then it's something about a wig fashion show or wig contest with these over-the-top, butt-fugly wigs that I guess they wear in the hood or something. So they all have a fashion shoot in ridiculous wigs, and the challenge is -- Can they still give good face with so much going on around them?
But they don't have a gallery where you can go through and see all the wig photos. You have to look at every model's portfolio individually. I hate this new website.
At judging, Tyra is dressed like a pirate wench. I shit you not. She's all in blue, with matching blue suede corset and boots. It's very clearly a shout-out to Yours Truly. Hey, Tyra girl! You are fierce! Call me! We'll go to Outback Steakhouse!
Miss J is dressed as sort of a... Nurse Peter Pan. I don't know who that's a shout-out to.
Tyra calls both Jaeda and Eugena on the carpet for their diva-like behavior. Monique is still taking bad photos (because vampires don't show up on film, duh!). Caridee says "Uff da" and immediately becomes my favorite.
Megan and Monique are in the final two, and to the dismay of the planet, it's Megan who goes home. Because we all know how Tyra hates a pig-nose. Except when it's attached to Eva Pigford. Or something.
Megan goes home gracefully and without tears, probably because she won't have to deal with Monique anymore.
Next week: The girls walk a tightrope (please, let there be someone who is afraid of heights!), and Melrose and Monique square off. YAY! Seriously, people, if you're not watching this show, WATCH IT. Or better yet, come over to my house and watch it. Cattiness is always better when shared!
Comments
I'm kinda hoping all the girls gang up on Monique and pee on her bed.
Posted by: Hope at October 4, 2006 03:41 PM
Why you're not writing for Television Without Pity yet I'll never know.
Posted by: Uncle Twitchy at October 5, 2006 05:20 AM
That's what I've been saying!
Y'all should start a writing campaign to TwoP to get them to hire me.
Posted by: Wenchie at October 5, 2006 07:36 AM