October 27, 2006
"The Girl Who Graduates"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Michelle came out of the closet, Janice flustered the girls, Melrose shone, and A.J.'s indifference got her sent home.
"You wanna be on top?" Why, yes, Tyra, I do. Thanks for asking.
Two seconds into this episode, Eugena emerges as the new Black Chick Who Everyone Hates. She's in the confessional talking about how sick and tired she is of all the other girls. And honestly, I feel her pain because I, too, am tired of Jaeda whiiiiiining about her hair and Anchal whiiiiiiiining about her weight. But that doesn't stop me from hating Eugena.
Brooke gets a package from home! A "theme package" filled with graduation decorations and a copy of her diploma. She says that the walk across the stage to get one's diploma is a milestone in everyone's life, but she'd still rather be where she is. Oh, Brooke, c'mere and lemme pinch your cheeks!
Melrose happens to wander outside and find the yard set up for an impromptu photoshoot. And she's surprised? Really? They don't have windows in that house?
And did anyone not guess that Tyra is the surprise photographer? Her black and white photoshoots, always with tons of black eyeliner, have become a staple. She wants, "Black and white and edgy, angry and evil, but still pretty."
To help them fill that tall order, the girls will have weird, white contact lenses, buttloads of smudgey black eyeliner, and backcombed hair. Eek, indeed.
Before her shoot, Brooke asks, "Is it okay if I growl?" Oh, honey. You go ahead and do whatever you want -- Wenchie and Mama Tyra agree.
Eugena's cat eyes look pretty creepy.
Jaeda stops complaining about her hair for two seconds to complain about the shoot, "Ow. I feel so icky. This is not my thing -- I'm used to being pretty."
You know how peoples' personalities can affect how good-looking they are? Or aren't? I'm now finding Carnie Wilson hotter than Jaeda.
Anchal was "overwhelmed" by Tyra. I guess it's a celebrity thing? I don't know. Perhaps that's her nice way of saying that Tyra scares the shit outta her?
Caridee had fun, and I continue to like the vivacious blonde in spite of myself.
Tyra Mail! "Are you ready to flaunt your assets?" Please tell me they are posing naked on a big pile of money!
The girls are taken to some hall where the Kiwanis had just had their weekly breakfast meeting an hour beforehand. Some drag queen shows up, and the girls are excited to see Sutan's alter-ego, Raja. Did I fall asleep? They're acting like I'm supposed to know who this is. And isn't Raja the name of Princess Jasmin's tiger?
Well, Raja is only there to introduce Dida von Tesse, who is a famous burlesque dancer, apparently, and married to Marilyn Manson. Huh. I am really out-of-touch with pop culture because all of this is news to me.
She teaches the girls burlesque dancing, emphasizing subtlety and the use of props. And I'm surprised that she strikes me as a fairly nice, normal person. She's not wacky or over-the-top. She's very matter-of-fact and classy. Not at all what you'd expect of a burlesque dancer married to a gender-bending circus freak.
I was going to make some jokes about Dida and Marilyn sharing clothes, but she's in a fabulous 40s-esque fitted dress, and I'll bet Marilyn gets his ass kicked if he even goes near her closet.
Anyhoo, Dida is trying to teach the girls the difference between naughty and sleezy. Caridee and Melrose just don't get it. They whore it up, and Caridee beavs Brooke. Hee!
Jaeda complains that -- all together now -- she can't work with her short hair. "I don't feel like a woman!" Dudes, my cousin Egrau has a buzz cut, and she is one of the most strikingly beautiful women I know. Jaeda is a retard, and she's going to whine her way right out of the competition. But not soon enough.
Brooke and Anchal are very nervous and not in touch with the sexuality. Does Tyra has a specialist to come in and teach them that?
I'm still basking in the knowledge that Melrose really sucked at this activity. Because she's a whore. And I really have no basis for saying that, cuz it's not like she screwed some Italian male model in a jacuzzi, SHANDI. But still, I like the sound of it.
Tyra Mail! "Your mama taught you to keep your elbows off the table, but she didn't say anything about your feet." Oh, tell me the girls are going to be doing tabledances. Awesome.
The girls meet with Kathy Gould of Elite Modeling Agency, and Kylie Bax, who is apparently some big supermodel, but I've never heard of her, and she looks like she's forty years old. I don't even know why she's there. She doesn't do a damn thing.
Kathy Gould has a private party, at which the girls walk the DINING ROOM TABLE like a runway, and have to be sexy. Oh, Jesus, Kathy and Tyra are just setting these girls up for failure.
And it works! They're all either boring, trashy or clumsy. Except for Melrose, who is praised for looking "natural." And you gotta wonder about someone who looks "natural" walking on a dining room table in sleezy clothes. Did she practice every year at Thanksgiving?
She, of course, wins the challenge and says, with no real remorse, "All the other girls are gonna hate on me now." And that's new... how? She chooses Brooke and the twins to accompany her on a photoshoot for Seventeen.
HA! And then Melrose does my job for me, pointing out that it's ironic that she's gonna be in Seventeen, since she's the oldest girl there! Haaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
The theme of the photo shoot is "taking a cute outfit and making it a little sexy." Because that's what I want my teenager to be learning. Thanks so much, Seventeen!
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Anchal is bending Caridee's extremely patient ear about her weight, and Caridee promises to support her and help her. Man, Caridee is WAY nicer than I am.
Tyra Mail! It's full of terrible bodice-ripper prose. This doesn't bode well for the girls.
The day's photoshoot will be in the style of romance novel covers! Yay! Hee hee!
And the person they will all be working with that day?
Fucking FABIO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my God! This may even be more tacky fun than Janice!
Isn't he, like, old enough to be the girls' grandfather? Frankly, it's kinda creepy, but whatever. He seems nice and very professional during the shoot, after which he says, "I can't believe I get paid for this!"
Neither can we, sweetheart. Anyhoo...
Jaeda is Dracula's very willing victim. Jay calls her "limp."
Eugena is Fabio's secret lover. Seems to be "running on 3/4 of a tank of gas."
Michelle has a secret love child. Uh, is this a common theme in romance novels? Because, big nursing boobs aside, this doesn't sound very enticing to me. And Michelle ain't feelin' it, either. She's very uncomfortable snuggling in bed with Fabio.
Caridee is a peasant in love with a rich man. Jay calls all her film "beyond orgasmic." ... Okay then.
Melrose is a madam in a brothel. Seriously? The shoot is hot, bordering on hootchie, but what do you expect?
Amanda is leaving her husband... for another woman!!! C'mon, people. She's gay -- we get it. We don't need to beaten over the head with it at every opportunity. Wait a minute... isn't Michelle the gay one? I'm so confused.
Anchal is Cleopatra and looks fabulous. She completely lets herself go, everyone agrees.
Brooke is desparate for her man to stay, but in real life, she has no experience from which to draw, so her photo looks empty and fake.
Tyra Mail! Judging.
Judging happens to fall on the same night as Brooke's graduation ceremony. I predict Brooke and Anchal to be the Bottom Two, but really, Jaeda is the one who should go home.
At judging, Miss J is wearing a mohawk and a green headband. I don't know where he gets off telling anyone they don't look like a model.
Twiggy, on the other hand, is scrumptious in braids and a narrow tie. Cute!
The girls will be judged on both of their photos -- the B&W one that Tyra took, and the one they had with Fabio.
Anchal's B&W is pretty, which wasn't really the point. She looks totally in control of Fabio in the other photo, but her bootie grinding into his groin is a little hootchie. Ew.
Amanda's B&W is very creepy and "high fashion." Her innocence really comes out with Fabio, which the judges find sexy.
Caridee blew Tyra away in their B&W photoshoot. Tyra says that her ability to commit to a pose is insane, like she's never seen in a model before. Which, I guess, is a compliment. On the other hand, the photo with Fabio really shows her soft side, and the judges find it "stunning."
Brooke is very young and looks very young, but is very different on set and in her B&W photo. Her body language with Fabio is great, but her close-up shows no expression. The judges "aren't feelin' it." And in her defense, if I was 18, I wouldn't want to be "feelin'" Fabio's trouser snake, either.
Michelle "took a chance" in her B&W photo and stuck out her tongue, which Tyra loves. Michelle cops to being uncomfortable with Fabio because she's never been in bed with a man. Tyra calls bullshit on that. She's never done in real life ANY of the things they've been called on to do in photoshoots. "That's no excuse."
Eugena, ironically, showed the strongest eyes in her B&W photo than she has shown all along. Because they're not her eyes! And then Tyra reems her out for it being a good photo because she really is evil, but she's not likable, and she doesn't really seem to want to be there. And you know Tyra -- there's no greater sin than not wanting to be on her show with all your heart! Her photo with Fabio is "great body, no eyes." Dance, ten; looks, three. Get yourself some eye implants or something, Eugene.
Melrose's B&W isn't evil enough. Oh, so many jokes, so little energy to make them because I'm still deathly ill. Mel's photo with Fabio is "obvious." The judges say she does sexy well and needs to work on the other stuff.
Jaeda is scary and scared. I must say, her B&W photo looks like she's gonna go completely psycho-ninja-alien on someone's ass. But in her Fabio photo, her fear shows in her face, and she admits to her discomfort with having him that close. "I felt his breath on my neck." *shudder*
Deliberations: Brooke is too "pagaent," Anchal is too pretty but lacks confidence, Amada is "most improved," Jaeda is "weak and strong," Caridee is too eager, Eugena...
At this point, someone called me, and I stupidly answered the phone, so I missed the rest of the deliberations. But they rarely have anything to do with the actual elimination, anyway.
As Tyra is handing out photos, I notice that Jaeda has really broad shoulders. This gives me hope that, were I not almost-37 and a "plus-sized model," I'd be able to compete on ANTM. In fact, I had a dream to that effect last night. I was a contestant named Kennedy. I guess my Gen-X mom named me after her favorite MTV V.J.
Anyhoo, Brooke and Eugena are in the Bottom Two. Eugena has dead eyes and needs to learn humility and respect, but it's hilarious, gorgeous Brooke they send home.
KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!!
What the fuck was that?! Brooke was their Golden Child last week! Why the big change? Did Tyra catch her stealing from her on-set fridge?
Brooke is as shocked as the rest of us, and cries about missing "my friggin' high school graduation." Well! Miss Tyra takes GREAT offense at this, so Brooke quickly backpedals and assures her that "this is where I'd rather be." Tyra can be so self-centered sometimes.
Next week: the girls are flying and attacking, and I'm hoping the stress of the physical shoots makes someone cry. Also, Anchal and Melrose are at each other's throats. You know, they keep building it up like there's gonna be a cat fight, but it's never more than empty threats and schoolyard insults. I'm not getting my hopes up anymore.