October 13, 2006
"The Girl Who Joined the Circus"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Monique was a bitch, was struck down by God with the plague, and got eliminated. Watch and learn, kiddies. It's a little thing called karma.
Amanada interviews that "justice is served." And Melrose expresses "relief." I hope Monique's mother watched this episode. In fact, I hope she watched all of them. I wonder what she thinks of her princess on the throne wiping her skeevy undies all over the place?
Okay, enough obsessing on her. We will never understand her, and I refuse to give her any more blog space. She is dead to me.
The girls are playing that old womens' prison movie favorite -- How Many Girls Can We Fit In the Shower? Oh. My. God. I just can't say enough good things about this.
Also? Who's idea was it to put a group shower stall in the house? Tyra's? Nigel's? Those cheeky monkeys!
Too bad we don't get to see them washing each other's hair.
Of course, they all feel so naughty, so there's much shrieking and cackling echoing off the tile walls. Mel comes in and asks them to be quiet so she can get three hours of sleep -- what the hell? They are group-showering at three o'clock in the morning?!
Okay, I totally see Mel's point here, as much as I hate to admit it. But Megg calls her a bitch, and Brooke calls her Little Miss Know It All. Hee!
To be fair, Mel is completely in the right here. Three a.m. is for sleeping, and it's not unreasonable to expect people to keep their voices down. However, I think the girls would be much more likely to cooperate were Mel not such an intolerable bitch at every other hour of the day, so she really dug her own grave here.
Jaeda interviews that she feels like a boy and that people on the street don't know if she's a boyish girl or a girlish boy. Well, then, throw some make-up on, idiot!
Anchal interviews that she is "the voluptuous girl in the house," and she's used to "having to live with it." Yeah, girl has got a rack. Then she says she's "used to hearing crap about me." Ooh! Spoiler!
Tyra Mail! "Don't get it twisted!" Oh, geez, who was that crazy, stupid broad who said that? Was it Furonda? I can't believe Tyra quoted her, whoever she was. Anyway, something about "bend over backwards," which I guess is better than the usual bend over and grab your ankles.
And we meet Stacey McKenzie, some fugly model who is a judge on "Canada's Next Top Model." There's a "Canada's Next Top Model?!" Holy shit! What channel is that on? Is Tyra on it? Must Google...
Awesome! It looks like they're in between seasons now, but I plan to keep my eye on this, see if Canadian bitches are any crazier than American bitches.
Anyhoo, some guy who is made of rubber and clearly not human shows them the basics of "extreme editorial poses." Just when I think I know all there is about modeling, that Tyra opens up a whole new aspect for me. God bless that woman.
Mel does yoga -- oh, of course, she does -- so she's all confident that she'll be the best and blah blah blah. But Anchal surprises -- and grosses out -- all of us by walking on the top of her own head. Weird.
Mel, the new Black Chick Who Everyone Hates But Isn't Black, is quite put out by this and retaliates by, basically, calling Anchal fat, to her face, in front of everyone. Oh, sure, she thinly veils it as concern for Anchal's lack of exercise, but I doubt Anchal's resting heart rate is keeping Mel up at night. To her credit, Anchal shuts her down and walks away.
Then comes the drama we've all been waiting for!
Not content with merely calling Anchal fat, Mel has to sit in the jacuzzi with Jaeda and the twins and rag on her. Mel's problem with Anchal is that Anchal says she doesn't think of herself as pretty, but Mel thinks that's a total act, and Anchal knows she's pretty.
I'm sure no one gives a crap what Anchal really thinks of herself because at least she doesn't run her damn mouth 24/7. The twins are silent and kind of look uncomfortable, like, You know, all we wanted was a nice soak. Jaeda sort of defends Anchal by saying she's incredibly beautiful, but I guess this could also back-up Mel's argument, so I'm not sure what to think.
Except to think that they're retarded to talk smack about ANYONE in front of a dozen cameras. Haven't they seen any of the past shows? Do they think they're gonna come out smelling like roses? Don't they know how the writers love to assign and exploit a House Bitch?
And for the record, when someone spends their formative years ugly, then grows up to be beautiful, it's a well-known fact that they often have a very difficult time accepting their beauty. It's called the Ugly Duckling Syndrome.
Anchal and the others overhear all of this, and Anchal starts bawling.
A.J. immediately starts to comfort her and hug her, "They're the fake ones. They don't matter. We got your back." We being her and Megg, I guess, who is there, too. And is anyone surprised that the emo chick is all over the drama?
The girls are whisked away to dinner at the Oasis with special guest, Twiggy. Who... wears sunglasses all through dinner. Huh. I wouldn't have pegged Twiggy for that level of pretentiousness, but whatever. I still like her.
She talks to the girls about how the styles of poses have changed over the years. Which, really, can that be more than a 30 second conversation? Sheesh.
Caridee and Michelle interview that all the girls thought Melrose was totally sucking up to Twiggy, and that she sucks up to everyone (who isn't competing against her).
Tyra Mail! Tyra calls them "catty bitches," and some of the girls laugh nervously. But then she says something about "knocking her off her pedestal," and I start to wonder if she's watching the dailies.
But no, the girls have to do extreme editorial poses on pedestals for some fashion show. Speaking of pretentious! Someone named Bao describes her collection as "decadent." And Erica Courtney brings out 10 pieces of jewelry totalling $32,000. The girls have to pair a piece of jewelry with an outfit blah blah blah.
Bao wants them to look like fairy divas or diva fairies or something. Picture Elton John.
The poses are weird. I honestly can't tell who's good and who's not. But Eugena is the winner and will be taking home the $32,000 worth of jewelry. DAMN! Good prize! And she doesn't even have to share it!
Oh, Christ, will Mel ever shut up? She blah blah blahs with excuses and lectures and OHMYGODSHUTUPALREADY! Can she not read the body language of the other girls? They couldn't be more obviously done with her if they were holding up signs!
Thank God it's time for the girls to have a heart-to-heart with Tyra because she's sure to straighten all this out.
Anchal confesses that she heard Mel talking smack about her, and Mel doesn't even have the good sense to look remorseful. Bitch. I mean, when I get caught talking smack, at least I have the decency to feel like crap.
Jaeda stupidly backs Mel up and says that Anchal is fake and knows she's pretty. And again -- WHAT THE HELL DOES ANYONE CARE?!
Mel is flippant through the whole thing, and Tyra encourages Anchal to stand up for herself. God, I wish Janice had been there. She would have tackled Mel to the ground, bitched her out for ragging on her "sister," and then spit on her prone body and walked away. Tyra sucks.
Mel interviews that feels like she's "singled out as the mean one." Well, duh.
Tyra Mail! Something about "freaks of nature." She's got them pegged.
The shoot is in the middle of the desert, two hours away from their house at a circus. Awe. Some. The girls will be dressed up like freak show attractions for a dark and moody shoot. (Please let Mel be the fat lady.)
Now, I admit, it's been a long time since I've been to the circus or seen a good freak show (besides Thanksgiving), but these freak show "stereotypes" aren't really ringing a bell. As cool as the premise is, I think they fell short with the freakiness.
Here's the breakdown...
Megg: bearded lady
Jaeda: strong woman (which I'm sure did nothing for her tranny insecurities)
A.J.: cannibal
Caridee: elephant woman (she's not an animal!)
Brooke: rubber girl
Melrose: old lady face with hot body
Michelle & Amanda: Siamese twins, joined at the forehead (and they actually say Siamese twins, not conjoined twins, like Tyra wouldn't jump all over my ass for saying black instead of African-American)
Eugena: bird lady
Anchal: giant lady
Everyone confused now? Good. Because the editor of Seventeen magazine is there, too. To watch.
Anchal, Mel and A.J. all do awesome, which is really going to piss Mel off some more.
Afterwards, Megg and A.J. both cry and talk about how worried they are about their performances. Jaeda feels like she's going home.
There's a photo of Tyra as a ring leader (and really -- could there be a more apt metaphor?), and we're into judging. The Seventeen editor is there as the guest judge.
A.J. is strong with good energy and intensity.
Eugena looks best when she makes eye contact.
Brooke's lovely body language made for a haunting photo.
Michelle and Amanda have to practice not having the light hit their chin in a weird way, but the judges love their legs.
Anchal took a beautiful photo, but she doesn't look like a giant.
Jaeda's face is snarly, she needed too much coaching, and her poses look like bad acting.
Melrose looks wrinkled but hot, disturbing but good.
Megg looks like she's waiting to start. She cries and says that she's worried, and it comes out in her face. She's disappointed in herself. Tyra loves a good cry and self-realization, so she and Nigel offer comforting but hollow words.
Caridee wasn't inhibited by her nose.
In deliberations, the judges are down on Jaeda but up on Caridee. Twiggy thinks that Jaeda's airbrushed abs are real. Oh, Twiggy.
Jaeda and Megg are the final two. They look pissed and scared, respectively. ...or maybe that's just how they normally look?
What it comes down to is that Megg has the personality but looks like ass in photos, and Jaeda is gorgeous but retarded. So we all know how this is going to end. Jaeda stays, Megg goes home.
WOOOOOOOOOOO! ROCK 'N' ROOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
That was for you, Megg. We'll miss you. You were just beginning to not annoy me with your mere presence on screen, and we'll always remember your Blossom-y smile.
A.J. is visibly bummed. Megg thanks Tyra for the opportunity and hugs her. Very sweet and classy. There's lots of crying and hugging among the girls, and I'm thinking that Megg was more well-liked than we were shown. Well, well-liked doesn't boost the ratings as much as bitchery.
Next week -- oh my God! Michelle confesses that she "might be gay," and really, where better to come out of the closet than in a house of straight girls on national television? God, I love this show. Also...
JANICE!!!
Oh, sweet mother of all that is good and righteous, Janice is back, looking impeccably groomed and pissed!