October 06, 2006

"The Girls Who Go To Texas"

This episode should really be entitled, "The Girl Who Made My Husband Leap Off the Couch with Joyous Glee," as we shall see.

Previously... makeover drama, telephone-induced confrontation, blah blah blah.

We start out with some of the girls playing Mattress Stair Slide, and I'm just struck with the awesomeness of it. I mean, you're in this billion dollar house, away from adult supervision (camera men don't count) for probably the first time in your life -- what do you do? MATTRESS STAIR SLIDE!!! It's so adorable, and very Princess Diaries.

Jaeda is still moaning about her hair. Someone voiceovers that Monique or Eugene should have gone home because they're evil bitches and photograph like poop on toast.

Melrose interviews about her seething hatred for Monique, which is pretty much Mel's only redeeming quality, quite frankly. Pot? Kettle? She says Monique better "watch her step" because it's her "butt on the line," or some such nonsense that she's too much of a puss to ever really back up.

The girls go to some... place, and Miss J is there in a tu-tu. Brooke says, "Miss J is a royal mess," but with genuine affection. Tiny girl is growing on me.

The girls are there to learn posture and balance by walking a tightrope, specifically a half-inch-thick cable. There to help are a couple of circus performers. Well. There's something you don't see every day.

Okay, people, Monique is making me miss Jade from last season. I mean, at least when Jade was mad, she tried to be poetic about it and made up new words and was really quite hilarious. Whereas Monique is getting her material from the playground.

"Melrose thinks she's so perfect, and she's not."

*sigh*

Of course, this is because Mel does quite well on the tightrope, as do many other girls, while Monique does not. Fancy a snack, Monique? I have some sour grapes here!

Later, Mel is on the phone with her Mom and -- to the shock of no one -- Monique barges in and starts talking smack. Can't we get a clever bitch in this show? One whose insults go over the other girls' heads? Like -- who was that bulimic, medical student chick with the really short, dark hair? I really don't like that this show is already making me pine for The Ghost of Bitches Past.

Anyhoo, Mel reaches over and gently pushes the door more closed so that it touches Monique's shoulder. It's unsubtle, as hints go, but Monique acts like she CAN'T BELIEVE that someone is sick of her phone room antics.

And then she has to go incredulously tell all the other girls that Mel slammed the door on her. But the other girls aren't having it because they are not wearing helmets and drooling.

If I may weigh in on this issue, I don't hate bitches. In fact, I like a good bitch. A good bitch, mind you. Someone who embraces their bitchhood, executes a bitchy attack with aplomb and takes full credit for it afterwards. None of this passive-aggressive bullshit that you deny wide-eyed five minutes later.

Monique repeats her passive-aggressive bullshit later, when all the girls are asleep, and she's curling her hair in the bathroom with Eugene. (You know the only reason Monique and Eugene "like" each other is because all the other girls hate them both, so they have no choice.)

Monique takes the panties she had been wearing that day and rubs them on the bed Mel is sleeping in. Take my word for it -- this is not as hot as it sounds. Monique is not so much a princess on a throne as she is an animal in a den. God is so embarassed that he's her child.

Then Mon is back in the bathroom, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, what else can I do to disgust them all." Or something to that effect. Meanwhile, Mel and Jaeda wake up and stare at each other in disbelief.

As news spreads of Monique's Worst Panty Raid Ever, the rest of the girls all interview that they are scared of Mon and scared of what she'll do next. Several of the girls are afraid she's going to physically hurt someone. Oh, if only.

Next morning, of course, Mon is trying to play it down like it was no big thing and who hasn't rubbed their used butt-floss on someone else's bed? We've all done it! Right?

Tyra Mail! Something about "your own line." This doesn't bode well. I hope, if they're going to be making clothes, Tyra at least has the presence of mind to supply them with safety scissors.

Wow. Miss J enters through a stone arch wearing what appears to be an oversized lampshade as a dress. Strapless, lots of petticoats. How is it that he manages to keep freaking me out? It's not like I'm a newbie to this show!

Also there? BRE! From a previous season! If you'll remember, she was the one who gained a lot of weight, and was kinda bitchy, but also damn funny, so I kind of liked her. Anyhoo, Miss J introduces her as one of the best walkers from previous shows. I don't know about that. I'm pretty sure she was the only alumni available at a moment's notice.

The girls have five minutes to get into gowns, heels and Mardi Gras masks, then walk a straight line on cobblestones. Lots o' bitches are gonna have sore ankles tomorrow, but not A.J., who wins.

The prize is a photo shoot in Texas, which seems random. Brooke desperately wants to be chose because they'll be in Austin, which is her hometown. But A.J. chooses Megg and Caridee instead, proving that she is, indeed, "different" because who the hell would rather spend all day with poser Megg instead of hilarious Brooke?

The three chosen ones are going to walk in some celebrity charity fashion show bullshit, hosted by Dennis Quaid, and I have to admit, I missed the next several minutes because my jaw was on the floor with the random appearance of Dennis Quaid. I'll explain.

I don't sleep well, so I've been known to occassionally abuse sleeping pills, Benedryl and Nyquil. And when I do, I always have sex dreams about guys I would never, ever in a million years share a taxi with, let alone a passionate, intimate act. For example -- Ashton Kusher, or whateverthefuck his name is.

Tuesday night, I'd had such a dream about Dennis Quaid. VERY DISTURBING! Why, oh why is it never Bruce? Or Christian? Or Joaquin? Why does my subconscious hate me so much? I just thank God it wasn't Randy Quaid because I'd had "Independence Day" on in the background before I went to bed.

So when Dennis Quaid, whom I haven't seen in a movie since... ever, suddenly showed up on my television less than 24 hours after dreaming about him, you can imagine how betrayed I felt by the entire universe.

But the universe made it up to me by smoting down Monique with some terrible illness, including fever and puking. We're even now, universe.

Ah! And I see in my notes that it's called "Dennis Quaid's Celebrity Fashion Weekend." And for the occassion, Dennis has chosen to sport Harrison Ford's wattle. Nice choice, Dennis.

Oh for the love of God. All the other models? Are from past seasons of "America's Next Top Model." There's... the ugly Asian chick and... wow, it doesn't say much about me that I was once so emotionally involved with the lives all so many very, very forgettable girls...

Hey, look! Something shiney!

Tyra Mail! Something about "walk the plank."

Now, Tyra, c'mon, you know these little shout-outs and hints are necessary. I love ya, baby! Just call me! Don't be intimidated! I'm really very humble and down-to-earth, once you get to know me.

Brooke disappoints me by being a good Christian and trying to give Monique what comfort she can. Monique finally goes to the hospital. Jesus, it's the stomach flu, princess. Suck it up and drink some ginger ale. Brooke might even move the t.v. into your bedroom for you.

At the hospital, they just give her some fluids via i.v. and send her home. So they can have the bed for someone who really needs it. Monique goes straight to the photo shoot, as do the girls who were in Texas, right from the airport.

But Mon doesn't last long. She whines to Jay that she's sick, and you can just imagine how very weary this makes Jay. He gives her the option of doing the shoot or having him call a car to take her home. She opts to go home and sleep, proving that her stupidity does not end with her assault on other peoples' beds.

The "plank" that the girls have to walk is a runway floating in a swimming pool. Tension is heightened by the designer himself warning the girls that the dresses are very fragile and would ruin very easily. Say, by being submerged in chlorinated water, perhaps?

But we are disappointed, and the only major falling done is by Caridee's boob, out of her blouse. Eugena slips and falls, too, but remains dry, and the sight of the little bit of blood on her leg isn't nearly as interesting as Caridee's pixilated titty. Someone voiceovers that it's "So Paris," and I pee laughing.

Photos are taken, models are coached on their walking, blah blah yawn. More boobies!

Tyra Mail! Judging.

We then get a glimpse of Monique reading her bible. I don't even recall what the point of this scene was because I'm so offended by her holding a holy book. I'm surprised her fingers aren't smoking. And that her lips aren't moving as she reads.

Has anyone else noticed that the biggest bitches on this show are usually the ones who profess to be the most religious/spiritual? Someone is missing the point. What would Jesus do, Monique? He wouldn't have wiped his crown of thorns on Peter's bedroll, that's for damn sure.

At judging, Tyra is again showing her solidarity with the pirate sistahs by wearing a smokin' grey suede bodice thingy. Hot! I don't know why she doesn't just call me.

The challenge is to walk with a bowl of fruit on your head.

The fruit fell off Brooke's head almost immediately, but she continued walking and smiles, "You make it work!" The judges whip out their spoons and eat her up.

As the judges tell Caridee everything that's wrong with her, she nods in agreement and mutters, "Yeah, I smell what you're steppin' in." The judges exchange bewildered looks, as do Daisy and I.

Monique goes before the judges with her excuse of missing the photo shoot because of illness and is read a lesson from the Book of Danielle, who was on her death bed, but went on to ride an elephant, rock a photo shoot and, ultimately, win the competition. SO THERE!

Deliberations: I don't remember anything except Miss J breaking into some sort of negro spiritual regarding one of the girls, and Tyra joining in, and the rest of them clapping and chanting. I can't even describe it -- it was so surreal.

Monique and Eugena are in the final two, and really, that's a win-win because even if Monique doesn't go home, her only friend does, so she's left alone, and karma wins again.

Husband, who had been watching on the small t.v. in his office, joined me in front of the big t.v. for the judging, saying, "I can't believe you got me hooked on another season." Oh, who are you kidding, honey? You love this shit.

Tyra hands Eugena her photo, and Husband and I literally jump off the couch, hands in the air, yelling, "Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, thank you, Jesus!" It's a beautiful moment.

Packing up her shit in the apartment, she bitterly interviews that it was all "a waste." And we didn't really expect anything else from her, did we? Well, I do expect some of the girls to find some of the belongings missing when they return to the house...

So, now that Monique is gone, who will rise to take her place as BCWEH? For as you know, Bitches are like Slayers -- when one dies, another must take her place. So sayeth the Lord.

Next week: Melrose tries to keep control in the house, and Anchal cries when she hears the other talking about her. And Wenchie is at the various Wisconsin Pumpkin Festivals until Tuesday.

Posted on October 6, 2006 12:42 PM

Comments

Posted by: B.J. at October 6, 2006 04:10 PM

Posted by: B.J. at October 9, 2006 08:52 AM

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