October 11, 2006
The Princess and the Pea
It's fairly common knowledge that, in order to get Husband to marry me, I brewed a special potion in my pewter cauldron and slipped it into his guinness. Soon after the wedding, reality set in, and he started waking up to a cranky zombie each morning.
Not wishing to have his brains devoured for breakfast, we bought a Select Comfort Sleep Number Bed. Yes, he's a bit jealous that my love for my side of the bed is deeper than my love for him, but it's a small price to pay for keeping one's cranium intact, and he understands that.
My sleep number is 70. I like a fairly firm mattress. I have become so in tune with my mattress that I can tell when it has slipped down to 65. And it just won't do.
Over the weekend, PJ and I went up to the Pumpkin Patch Fest in Wisconsin. Unfortunately, so did half of the population of Chicago, and I didn't call for reservations until two weeks before. My regular hotel (I walk in, and they go, "Norm!") was booked solid. As was every other hotel in the area. Stupid tourists!
(See, I can say that because I'm not a stupid tourist. I own property in Wisconsin. I pay taxes. Yeah, I'm the worst kind of F.I.B. -- I'm a F.I.B.W.A.C.*)
In a panic, I started calling every hotel in the county, in alphabetical order. I finally got us in a room, in the R's.
I'll give you a full description of the room tomorrow. For now, let's concentrate on the slab of concrete upon which they had thrown a (filthy) comforter. It was like sleeping on the floor, and I am not in any way exaggerating for comedic effect. (Obviously, because that sentence wasn't funny.)
On our list of Things To Do the next day was Local Farmers Market, Apple Orchard, Pottery Store and Fudge. But first, we drove half an hour to the nearest Target and bought an air mattress and an electric air pump. I shit you not. There was no way I was going to risk permanant spinal damage -- not even for fresh Cherry Rum Fudge.
We finally got back to our room, after twelve hours of shopping and gorging ourselves, at 9:30 p.m. You know how loud an electric air pump is at 9:30 at night? I thought we were going to get kicked out. But sleeping in the car would have been preferrable to sleeping on that damn bed, so we forged bravely ahead. Neighbors be damned!
It took some time to tweak it until it was finally the right firmness. It would be fine for me, but then too hard once PJ got on it, too.
There was no way we were going to put it on the floor because we were afraid something would scurry over us during the night, so we put it on top of the bed. So we were, like, five feet off the ground. There was no graceful way to get in and out of it. The act took much rolling and leg-flailing for momentum. There's a mental picture for ya.
So, hey, if anyone wants to come visit me, you now have three choices of where to sleep -- Step Daughter's bed, the futon in the basement, or the air mattress in the Barbie room!
* A F.I.B. is a Fucking Illinois Bastard -- a cute, little nickname the Cheeseheads made up for us, in retaliation for the name Cheesehead. Which is kind of like stabbing someone in the kidney after they kick you in the shin, but whatever. A F.I.B.W.A.C. is a F.I.B. with a cabin.
Comments
I'm a 65 myself! And I agree, you have to goose that mattress back up on occasion! Its hard to support my rather large JABBA frame! Garrance
Posted by: garrance at October 11, 2006 08:47 PM
Did you say Cherry Rum Fudge? mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm yummmmmmmmy. (not like I've ever had it, but it sounds orgasmically good. Yes. THAT good.)
Y'all should trust Wenchie, she would never, evah steer you wrong. Wenchie! Did I tell you that I was almost moved to tears when the last piece of that peppermint chocolate candy (Neimans) went down the hatch? I swear. Talk about depressed? That shit is like heroin. As in, Whiteny could SO get off of her crack/heroin addiction if someone would just keep her stocked up with that candy instead.
Sorry, you got me off on a food jaunt. Can you tell who has PMS???
Erm, just call me Goldilocks, cuz I will have to try out each mattress to see which one I like best. (You can subsitute porridge for anything made of pumpkin, alrighty?)
Posted by: Scarlett Cyn at October 12, 2006 02:01 AM
I'm VERY particular about my bed and pillows. The pillows always go with me and when I go and visit my dad I haul an air mattress with electric pump along and put in top of the hide-a-bed, also making it quite tall and it's a tad larger than the bed itself so if I'm careful I'll fall off the edges.
I'm so happy there's someone else out there who loves their bed as much as I do!
Posted by: Hope at October 13, 2006 12:06 PM