November 06, 2006
Secrets Are Good
Secrets are important. They help us to function in relationships, in society, and at work especially.
In relationships, we keeps secrets from our spouses that make it easier for us to function in our day-to-day lives. I'm not talking about adultery-sized secrets -- just stuff like how you really feel about their family, and where your private stash of cookies is hidden.
At work, as with any randomly-chosen group of people, there are going to be people you like, people you dislike, and people you wish a plague upon. So you have fun with the people you like, and the rest of them, you deal with on a courteous, professional level, never letting them know what you really think of them.
This works for me. I'm never unkind to anyone here, and no one has been intentionally unkind to me, so I don't care if they think I'm an immature bimbo with a tendency to show too much cleavage, as long as we can all work together in some semblance of harmony.
I mention this because I no longer have any secrets. For the second time in two years, my deepest, darkest ventings have fallen into the hands of the last person I would want to read them. I am utterly exposed.
When a friend of mine quit here, there were hundreds of emails she left behind, going back months and months. Since she worked with money and was involved in H.R. issues, it was decided that, before vaporizing her company email account, someone should go through her back emails and see if there was any information that would be important to the company.
Among these important company emails were -- you guessed it -- personal emails to and from yours truly. And I do mean personal. She and I were very close and trusted each other implicitly. Therefore, these emails contained rantings and updates on, but not limited to: our marriages, our families, our in-laws, my step daugthers, this blog, the infamous (and now defunct) Stepmom Blog, my internet habits, my eBaying obsession, my IMing habits, many rounds of Marry-Date-Fuck, and my opinions on many of my co-workers.
(Ugh. Re-reading that paragraph, I'm cringing more than when I saw "The Ring.")
But who should go through all these emails? Well, the G.M. here, who no one likes, nominated himself for the job. It makes sense; after all, payroll emails could contain confidential information. Such as, salaries, raises and EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER VENTED OR CONFIDED TO HER. Yeah. My worst thoughts on my worst days fell into the hands of the worst person I know.
And he read them all.
Monday morning, early, my Head Boss called me into his office, which isn't unusual. G.M. was sitting there, too, which is unusual. Within five seconds, H.B. mentioned the email account, and I had an immediate, very clear picture of what had transpired, and what kind of lecture I was in for.
I steeled myself to be fired, and yet, I was surprisingly calm. G.M. and H.B. both assured me that G.M. hadn't shown anyone else the emails. H.B. was pissed, sure, but I've seen him more angry, and I know I can count on his ability to forgive and forget. He is the definition of A Good Guy.
As for G.M., you'd think that being caught by the company's #2 would have me freaking out. But I literally think so little of him that I just didn't care. I don't care what he thinks of me. It sickens me to think that he knows all about my personal life, but...
I'm not a bad person. What I think is my business, and the business of a chosen few. What I do is, I believe, a better indication of who I am. And I am kind to everyone I work with. I'm not phoney; if I don't like someone, I don't seek them out and chat them up, but I'm always nice.
I don't know a person on earth who hasn't thought a bad thought about someone else, and vented it to another person. It doesn't make me a bad person. I'm just a stooge for being careless and getting caught.
And I will totally cop to gossiping and improper use of company email. The company I work for has a friendly, casual atmosphere, and I just got too comfortable. I have to be a better employee and remember that that comfort is earned. By me. Every day.
So, I was lectured for improper use of company time, inappropriate emails and something about me "spreading a cancer through the company." Wow. Such power I have! Frankly, I think it's a stitch that The Most Hated Person In the Company was scolding me for hurting morale, but whatever.
What I most regret is that I brought this down on H.B. As if it's his job to babysit me. As if he's supposed to watch every, little thing I do. None of this was his fault. It was 100% mine, and I wish G.M. had just confronted me personally. But approaching a female secretary directly is beneath him and would have rendered him inpure in the eyes of his god.
My biggest concern is that, until I make other employment arrangements, I can only write during my 45-minute lunch break and after work. But I often spend my lunches out of the building, and after work, there's always some damn thing that needs to be done around the house. So my blogging may be sporadic for a while.
PLEEEEEEEEEAAASE don't abandon me, my lovelies! Believe me, restricting my blogging hurts me more than it hurts you. I'm going to aim for three times a week, for now, so please don't neglect me. I am an attention whore and live only for my Visitor Count!
You're probably wondering why I don't just stop putting my thoughts down "on paper" (so to speak). Just quit writing anything to anyone, anywhere. Well, that's just not an option. Writing has always been my outlet, and that's not going to change.
I also contend that my deepest, darkest thoughts do not make me a horrible person, as they aren't any worse than anyone else's innermost ravings.
Ninety-nine percent of the time, we have no business pointing at and judging anyone for their private thoughts. Instead, we should embrace them as a universal experience and accept that, inside, we are often very much the same. Wouldn't that be much less lonely?
Embrace your Inner Asshole, people. Just don't let him behind the wheel of your car.
Comments
**"I'm not a bad person. What I think is my business, and the business of a chosen few. What I do is, I believe, a better indication of who I am."**
Well said Wenchie.
In my head, I'm a complete ass.
But on the outside.....I'M THE SHIT!!!
Posted by: matt at November 6, 2006 07:29 PM
So instead of saying You Got Dooced, the new phrase could be You Got Wenched, which probably sounds far more fun than it actually is?
Perhaps "You Got Wenched" can take on a different meaning. Like "sauced".
...Why *IS* the rum gone?
Posted by: CelticElff at November 6, 2006 09:15 PM
well, said, wenchie. many hugs in your general direction for the thought.
I'm cringing to think of what people would say if they got a hold of our "dear wenchie, remember that time when ? I'm going to need my back. Love, heather" letters.
because, seriously. Seriously. I'm post-deleting my e-mail just THINKING about it.
Posted by: heather at November 6, 2006 11:32 PM
Ouch. I admit to Ocassionally venting in a random email sent from work on purpose. You see, my boss is ALSO IT manager, and it is his job to scan all emails. So, if I'm feeling less than fiesty but want him to know I'm pissed, I email someone else that he sucks. Yes, childish, but it works. Sorry about that. I will mention to sister that she should have deleted emails before high-tailing it out of there!
Posted by: Vicki at November 7, 2006 10:59 AM