November 14, 2006
"The Girl Who Wrecks the Car"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Dita von Teese is sexy, models are not, Anchal is fat, Melrose is whorey, Fabio is... I don't know, and Brooke is Splitsville.
Can I just ask -- why are the twins still around? They're not pretty, they're not sexy. They don't have one ass between the two of them. We don't need one of them, let alone two!
Also, the only people talking about Anchal's weight is Anchal and some of the other models. She is not the token "plus-sized" model, and the judges haven't mentioned her weight at all, that we've seen. Unless the judges have been ragging on her for it, and we just haven't been treated to that footage because Tyra decided it makes her look a.) like a hyprocrite; and b.) like a bitch.
The girls receive a letter from Brooke, and Melrose sings about her. Badly. Ladies, leave the singing to CariDee.
Melrose is mad that the other girls don't seem to want to win as badly as she does, so they're just taking up space in Melroseland. It's funny -- Melrose talks about modeling as doing "big things" with her life. Clearly, she's planning on making the predictible jump from model to brilliant, cancer-curing mensa member. *pshhh* Typical!
Tyra mail! Something about, "Is there a girl you'd like to bump off?" Oh, Tyra, don't tease us with visions of a Caged Death Match, only to disappoint with... volleyball.
Gabby Reese, model/pro athlete, is there to work with the girls on "action modeling." And Jaeda suddenly has a new outlook on life because she used to play volleyball! Omigod! Just like Gabby Reese plays volleyball! They're totally besties now!
The girls change into their bikinis, and Anchal immediately flips her Bitch Switch to the on position. Can I just say that Anchal is, like, at my goal weight? So she should totally shutthefuckup.
The girls must dive for a volleyball while still looking model-y. I think Tyra is running out of ideas. Jaeda's actually good at it, but the rest of the girls suck and hate it.
Oh my God. Eugene says that Anchal's lack of confidense "actually makes her look... more flabby and like a big ol' blob." Said Miss Dead-Fish-Eyes. Damn!
The girls sit around the jacuzzi and rag on Anchal some more. See? This is what happens when you take the television away!!! Anchal has no friends and runs upstairs to go cut herself. She'll make them sorry!
Tyra mail! "Will you snap when the pressure is on?" Yawn. Insert snap-the-twins-like-kindling joke here.
The girls are taken to the middle of the desert where there's a NASCAR racetrack. Oh, the depths to which Tyra has sunk.
And it's James St. James, the completelyfuckinginsane, 50 year old "club kid" from Cycle Five! Dude is in black pleather in the middle of the desert. And a turban. Oh, and Stanton Barret is there. He's some racecar driver turned model or whatever. God, this episode is so boring.
The girls have to jump and attack Stanton. The idea behind it being a conflict of whose career is more important -- I don't know. I don't approve of Tyra working out her personal issues vicariously through the contestants. Oh, and they have to take their own photo with the help of a remote clicker thingy.
Most of the girls are awesome. After attacking Stanton with a checkered flag and pole, CariDee tells him, "We'll have make-up sex later." I love CariDee.
Anchal phones it in, afraid that her boobs are going to fly out of her dress, and I have to admit, as much as I've grown to tune out everything she says, that's a legitimate fear right there.
Michelle stands on the hood of Stanton's car and, I think, perforates it with the heel of her shoe. Nice car. But she wins the challenge! Insert dyke-beating-up-the-guy joke here.
Michelle picks Amanda, CariDee and... fucking Melrose to join in the sharing of her prize. I don't know why. The other girls are visibly pissed, but karma will soon bite Michelle in the boney ass for it.
The prize is the opportunity to win a $10,000 shopping spree. Opportunity. Dun-dun-duuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnn!
Anchal crabs that she's never been chosen by any of the other winners, and I think that's hilarious. She has completely accepted the fact that she's not worthy of actually winning a challenge -- she just wants to ride someone else's coattails.
Okay, all the girls are taken to some over-priced boutique where there's $10,000 worth of clothes, jewelry and purses. The girls have 30 seconds to put on all the clothes they can. The girl wearing the most clothes wins everyone's clothes.
Everyone's.
And this is when you know it's going to end badly. And by "badly," I mean Melrose wins. Melrose wins Michelle's prize and then doesn't even have the good sense not to whoop and holler and screech. She all but headbutts Michelle, I swear.
Back at the house, Anchal and Melrose pick, pick, pick.
Damn. Danielle's hair got huge.
Tyra mail! "Don't be an airhead." Insert too-late-joke here.
The girls are driven to an airport for their first Cover Girl assignment. What IS a "Cover Girl attitude," anyway? The shoot is for True Blend foundation which is, allegedly, light and airy. So the girls are going to be "sexy space sirens," according to Jay. Well, there's a little peek into Jay's souls -- helmets, goggles and jumpsuits are sexy!
Shane is there to help the girls in the big windtunnel silo thing, and he tells them to "stay slow, stay in control." The girls are going to pose in zero-gravity and be superimposed onto a space backdrop reaching for the product.
It looks totally impossible, I swear. All the girls pretty much suck, even Melrose. And Anchal is told to "suck it in." It being her gut in the jumpsuit. Shiney material is not the fat girl's friend. CariDee is a total spaz.
Tyra mail! Judging.
Okay, this is the teaser for the news. Women are taking classes to learn how to walk in high heels. This is news. And no, Heather, I'm not taking the class.
What the hell is Tyra wearing? It's like a... heavyweight championship boxing belt. It's atrocious. Gabby Reese is the guest judge.
Their judging challenge is also a lesson in the English language! Lovely! The judges pick a verb and an adverb from a couple of hats, and the girls have to act them out. How embarassing.
Eugena has to shake flirtatiously and does pretty well, but she could have done better, considering what an easy task she got.
One twin skis sadly, the other swims frighteningly, and both sucked, but seriously, I think the ridiculousness of the task should be taken into consideration. This is retarded. Tyra can't even say "frighteningly," so I highly doubt she could swim that way.
Jaeda skips sensually and looks adorable, I'm pained to admit.
Anchal has to dance aggressively and -- to the shock of no one -- has no clue what to do and actually flees the room.
Melrose has to box joyfully. Another retarded task, and yet Mel manages to take it to the next level of retardation by not engaging in pugilism. Instead she makes box shapes with her hands with a manic grin on her face. Essentially, she vogues like a crazy woman. Pure. Awesome.
CariDee must hide dizzily, and she just cracks the shit outta me. I love her so much. It took a long time for a frontrunner to emerge, but CariDee wins the dubious honor of being The ANTM Contestant I Most Want To Hang Out With. She's a total nutjob.
Eugena is the poor man's Naomi Campbell. And we all know how Tyra feels about Ms. Campbell, so that doesn't bode well for Eugena.
Amanda looks like a "dead spider" in her photo.
Jaeda suffers from that dreaded shemale disease -- Chinitis. She's like Bruce Campbell's love child with that chin. Tyra says she looks like Michael Jackson. Ouch -- another kiss of death.
Anchal runs away from everything in her life, Tyra wisely surmises from interacting with her a handfull of times. She, too, looks like Michael Jackson.
Melrose made a commitment to box joyfully and, as wrong as it was, she was stellar (nice pun, Nigel, considering this week's photos).
At this point, Tyra says she was second-guessing herself, wondering if she chose a shoot that was too difficult, i.e. the damn wind silo. But after seeing Melrose's photo, she knows a good photo is possible. Tyra, that doesn't mean you made the right decision doing that shoot, that just means that flukes are always possible. The shoot sucked ass -- face it.
CariDee is just the embodiment of a gorgeous genius, and the judges applaud her.
Michelle looks like Michael Jackson, too. What's Tyra's hang-up with M.J. this week?
Deliberations: CariDee is wonderful but doesn't listen. Anchal runs away. Melrose commits. Amanda is capable of forming every letter in the alphabet with her weird-ass body. Michelle had a good shot but doesn't "want it" enough. Jaeda perked up this week. Eugene can't take a good photo.
Michelle and Anchal are both in the Bottom Two because they don't "want it." Anchal goes home after thanking Tyra kindly.
And I don't know what's in store for next week because my power went out.