November 20, 2006
"The Girl Who Breaks Down"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Melrose rose to new heights, Anchal ran off and was run off. (Rose rose?) The twins are still ugly.
The first thing we are treated to are some of the girls -- Melrose at the head of the pack -- talking smack about Anchal. Still. Jesus, Mel, she's gone. Dance on her grave and be done with it already!
Amanda interviews that she was scared that Michelle was going home because she was in the bottom two. And because Amanda is the one who really wants to be a model, so having Michelle there is needlessly redundant. Or maybe I made up that last part.
Tyra Mail! Oh my God, the girls are going to meet Tyra's girls. Topless pillow fight!
Jaeda misses her boyfriend. Is this the first we've heard of Jaeda having a boyfriend? I don't remember her mentioning him before.
Melrose interviews that she knows the other girls think she's bitchy. And she is apparently okay with that. You know, at a certain point, I have to respect that. I mean, sometimes people form an opinion of you, and then, no matter what you do, you're not going to change their minds, so why fucking bother? (Hmm... hit a little close to home, Step Mom?)
The girls are taken to some rinky-dink theatre where they meed Tyra's bosom buddy, Tasha Smith, acting coach and self-professed crazy bitch. Even crazier than Tyra. And when she says "crazier than Tyra," we are treated to a montage of Tyra being a lunatic. *sigh* It's just not as endearing as Janice's crazy montage.
JANICE!!!
Tasha gives the girls emotions to act out on the stage in front of the other girls. The first is Silly Dilly. That's right -- I said Silly Dilly. The winner of today's challenge will win a cameo appearance on "Barney!"
CariDee gets on stage and goes, "I have spontenuity, bitches!" Is that a word -- spontenuity? Weird. It's all very weird. The girls act insane, and I'm embarassed for them.
The next exercise is Tyra's favorite, called Dump. It's where you spew all the emotions you're feeling at the moment.
Melrose's true colors -- black and grey -- come shining through as she says shit like, "Don't stand there and tell me someone has a better picture than me! No one has a better picture than me! No one works harder than me!"
Way to humanize yourself. Bitch.
The rest of the girls get into the spirit of the PMS-fest and start emo-dumping. It's horrible. And then CariDee, in a fit of desperation, drops the bomb -- she tried to kill herself. This is somehow in the context of her finally being happy and finding what she wants to do with her life. I don't know, but you know Tyra loved that shit.
After the commercial, Caridee, Tasha and one of the twins are crying and hugging in the bathroom. They'd better suck it up before the bell rings!
Then, the girls are going to star in their own silent movie, directed by Tasha. The winner scores a cameo on "One Tree Hill." Meh -- "Barney," "One Tree Hill," whatever.
The girls have to eat a lemon and stare sadly out a window and cry hysterically and drink prune juice. It's just mean. Amanda barfs the prune juice. Like, literally. It's disgusting. And Tasha is yelling at her, "Stay in character! Stay in character! I'd better see some vomit in that cup!"
So Amanda shows her the cup. Vomit! Ew.
Back at the house, CariDee feels a release after her emo-dump, like there's nothing holding her back. She relates this to her boyfriend, and isnt' this the first time we're hearing about her boyfriend, too?
The girls receive a Tyra Mail with the DVD of the winning silent movie. It's Caridee, and I'm telling you, this girl has a face for silent movies. She's very expressive and just darling. Love her!
Of course, Tyra edited herself into the movie, dressed as the Duchess of Spain as portrayed by Farah Fawcett. Or something. On the DVD, the written dialogue suddenly switched to Spanish, and yet the girls STILL haven't figured out that they're going to Spain. *el sigh* Until Tyra flamencos into the room and screams at them that they're going to Spain, and six tiny lightbulbs go on over their heads. Dimly.
We get to see a big of CariDee's performance on "Dawson's Laguna O.C." or whatever, and she's smokin'! She has to kiss a homely nerd, though. And I'm willing to stake my next paycheck that, on his deathbed, nerdy boy will hold dear that moment as the high point of his short-lived acting career.
We get a montage of the girls traveling to Spain, and for some reason, one of the twins interviews, "It kinda feels like before, but with less people." This makes me laugh hysterically so that I lose some stuff that follows. And they're in Spain! Ta-daaaaaaah!
Tyra Mail! Your assignments have been too easy, so Tyra is giving them some Spanish models to pose with. The bus travels from the airport around the city, picking up hitchhiking male models as they go. That almost never happens to me.
The men inform them that they'll be going to dinner with them, and they'll be having some traditional Spanish food. One of them asks CariDee if she's ever had Spanish food, and she goes, "Beans and rice?" Oh, God.
At dinner, I think, there's more Tyra Mail, and the girls find out that they're going to be speaking some weird Spanish dialect, which they are to learn from the men, AND they're going to be kissing them. Jaeda is all upset about the impending kiss because her boyfriend is the love of her life and they're going to grow old together. Excuse me if I sound jaded (or jaeded), but if their relationship can't survive one work-imposed kiss, I don't see them picking out stemware anytime soon.
But that may not even be an issue because Jaeda's partner doesn't like black girls, to the extent that he doesn't want to kiss her and won't help her learn her lines. Wow. Jaeda's screwed.
The girls go to their house, and it's fabulous. Make's their Tyra-Hut back in the states look like a shanty. As the winner of the last challenge, CariDee is given first pick of the beds.
"So, of course," Melrose sour grapes. "She picks the biggest bed in the biggest room with the most closet space."
Awwww, Mel is just jealous because she has no where to store all the clothes that she STOLE FROM MICHELLE!!! You know what the difference is between you and CariDee, Mel? She didn't laugh directly into the other girls' faces when she got her prize! Bitch.
Jaeda continues to freak out about her boyfriend and kissing the male model. Well, at least she's obsessing about something besides her hair now.
Jay arrives to tell the girls that their assignment is a Secret deodorant commercial, so it's "all about strength." And smelly pits. The girls have to say their lines in Spanish (with the help of phonetic cue cards), roaming about the piazza with male models, and finally make-out with one of them.
Michelle, ironically, does a good kiss. Eugene does a bad kiss. Amanda and Michelle, according to Jay, are "boring, but in different ways." Amen, brother. Jaeda cries, big surprise. Melrose does awesome because she's planning on asking Tyra for the big bed.
CariDee's lines sounds like a cross between Swedish and Cantonese, and her kiss is, like, five minutes long. Wait. Wasn't she just talking to her boyfriend. Awwwwwwwww, she's a closet ho. I knew I liked her.
Tyra Mail! Judging.
Great Scott! Tyra's corseted plea for my attention is so blatant, even Husband is drawn to its power. So much so that he can't stop commenting on it. For the rest of the show. Yes, honey -- boobies! Fascinating!
Miss J's hair is full-on Flock o' Seagulls.
Michelle didn't "relate" to any of the guys.
Eugena was really, really good. Huh. Who'd've thunk it.
CariDee sucks ass. Some of the comments: "drunk and crazy," "trainwreck," "looks amatuer," "unforgivable." Harsh!
Jaeda is a "big ol' open sore." Like the one on Miss J's bottom lip. She cries and explains about her sistah-hating co-model, and although the judges are apalled, they say she should have sucked it up and stayed in control.
Melrose stayed in character the whole time and was awesome because she "stayed up an extra two hours to practice."
Amanda sucked.
And can I just say? Where did these people learn to kiss? Pornos? Because they look like they're gnawing on each other's faces. It's tacky.
Deliberations! And while the judges deliberate, the girls call Melrose on her "extra two hours" speech. They're all, "How do you know you practiced for longer than us? You don't know what time we went to sleep! Why you gotta suck up to them like that? Oh, you know you did it! And you know why you did it!"
Mel protests, insisting she wasn't trying to make herself look better than the other girls. Riiiiiiiiiight.
The girls are called back in.
Eugena was a pleasant surprise! Which is a nice way of saying that she sucked until now. You know, I'll bet Brooke would have rocked this shoot. Why is Eugena still around?
Melrose had "the best commercial ever!" But for a giggle, one of them says that she looks "a little old."
Jaeda can't act but looked gorgeous.
Michelle was awful and didn't even look good.
Amanda fell apart, as did her kiss.
CariDee was the worst. She went completely to pieces, and the judges accuse her of resting on her laurels.
Melrose, Eugene, Amanda and Michelle get their photos.
CariDee and Jaeda were the Bottom Two, holding hands. Cute! Crybaby goes home and CariDee stays! Thank GOD!
Hey, CariDee has a little tattoo on her shoulder!