November 26, 2006
"The Girl Who Sticks Her Foot In Her Mouth"
And surprisingly, it's not who we'd think.
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," the girls to go Spain and shoot a commercial with some male models. [Insert native tongue joke here.] Five girls remain -- Melrose, CariDee, Eugene, Michelle and Amanda -- and for the life of me, I can't figure out why.
CariDee and Michelle are talking about how CariDee REALLY wants to be a model, and Michelle doesn't know what she wants. How many times are we going to have to listen to this same conversation?
Melrose calls up Lucas, the Spanish guy she modeled with. She invites him to dinner and tells him to bring some friends.
Michelle insightfully says that, "Spanish guys and American guys are pretty much the same, but Spanish guys smell better."
After dinner, CariDee makes out with one of the guys on the balcony, which, of course, makes all the other girls judgemental and bitchy. *sigh* Later, they will take her out onto the same balcony and stone her to death for seizing a once-in-a-lifetime moment while she is young and it's still okay to do crazy shit like that. GOD, I hate girls sometimes.
The next day, the girls are forced into yet another soul-baring group-hug with Tyra, where she talks to them about the "harsh realities" of the modeling industry. She tells them that "America's Next Top Model" is a way for her to coach them and make them strong. Really? I thought it was a vehicle for her to still be in the spotlight, now that she's old and fat and retired.
Then she asks the girls what criticisms they've heard from the judges that have really hurt them. I don't really understand the benefit of this particular exercise, except for the entertainment value.
Michelle says that she was told she walks like a four-year old wearing her mother's heels. Heh.
CariDee says she hates to hear that she's crazy.
Melrose was told that she looks old. HAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Eugena claims to be "immune" to criticism (which just means the judges are going to have to get nastier), except when she "disappointed" Tyra. She doesn't want Tyra to feel like she made a mistake in choosing her.
Amanda was told that she "shouldn't be here." And can I buy that judge a beer? Because seriously. She's not a pretty girl.
Tyra tells them that she knows they hate her when she criticizes them, but she's "sacrificing herself for them," so they can grow. She also tells them that it all "comes from a place of Mama." I'm so grossed out by all of this. It just feels... dirty, somehow.
Tyra Mail! Some convaluted sentence about "you'll go see who'll stay and who will go," and the girls correctly deduce that they're going on go-sees. Well, one outta eight guesses ain't bad, girls.
The girls have a list of ten designers to go see. They will be judged on appearance, walk, personality and portfolio. But they have to be back by 6:00 p.m.
The other girls automatically hook-up, two half-wits being better than one, when figuring out foreign road maps. The twins pair up, and Eugene and CariDee decide to travel together.
Melrose is the odd man out, but she tries to make this look like her grrl-power decision and says, "I'd better win because I don't need a buddy." Melrose is going to die alone with twelve cats.
CariDee and Melrose are doing well and the designers like them. Eugena doesn't smile at all, which is dumb because they were all told that Spanish designers love girls who smile alot.
The twins are hopelessly lost. Heh. But when they do finally find one of their go-sees, the designer interviews that "Amanda is much better than her sister."
Eugena confesses that she doesn't want Melrose to win. Those two and CariDee all get back in time. The twins don't. I guess they eventually split up because Michelle is 10 minutes late, and Amanda is 30 minutes late. They are both disqualified and asked to leave. I guess they just go wait in the van or something?
The designers have faxed in their score sheets: Eugena needs more personality; CariDee needs less make-up; Melrose can't walk but wins anyway. She picks CariDee to share her prize, and Eugena is clearly put-out.
The prize is having a personal chef come to the house and cook them dinner. The camera close-ups on two whole fish -- eyeballs and all -- frying in a pan, and I must share Eugena's relief that she's not eating it.
Tyra Mail! Something about bull riding. Hillbilly Melrose hopes it's a mechanical bull. Um, Melrose? You're not in Kansas anymore. You're in Spain. Where they have bullfighting.
The girls get to the bull ring to find Jay dressed as a matador. Oh, you know he came up with the idea for this shoot to justify wearing this outfit around all day. He tells the girls they will be shooting with a "bully," i.e. Nigel, and a real, live bull. I suppose it's too much to hope for a goring, huh?
At this point, Nephew called me on the phone, and since he is not yet familiar with the genius that is ANTM and the sickness that is my obsession with it, I couldn't very well scream at him to call back after 8:00. He wanted to know what kind of pie I like for a project at school. You suppose he's making a pie chart?
When I return to the boob tube, something AWESOME has happened and I MISSED it! DAMMIT! Apparently, CariDee joked with Nigel to pull the thing outta his ass. Oooooooooh, not good.
There's an ambulance parked outside the bull ring where the photo shoot is taking place. I'm sure it's an empty prop.
The girls have to pose in some outfits that are, like, 1940's matador hooker. The bull is in the background, and they have a pole, where the cape will be photoshopped in later. Guess they didn't want the girls waving around a real cape in front of the bull.
Eugene does awesome. Seriously. Even I think so, and Jay and Nigel are eating her up.
Amanda says she's more scared of Nigel than the bull. The top half of her body looks like it's disconnected from the bottom half. After her awkward performance, she is amazed by how well Michelle does.
Michelle does well, and then really amps it up in the last 20 frames, which Jay says are the 20 frames that "sold" him. He now thinks Michelle is a natural.
Melrose was over-thinking and not engaging the photographer because she's so scared about impressing the judges.
CariDee looks like a pin-up model. Heh. CariDee is a ho. She apologized to Nigel, but she's not sure where she stands with him now.
Amanda is scared for herself because Michelle did so well. Oooh, I hear a catfight coming!
The segue to the next segment is a photo of Tyra... as a bull. Nose ring and all. I wonder if she's a Taurus? Meh. I don't really care enough to look it up.
Oh, crickey. Miss J has his hair done up in bullhorns. That man must have a lot of extra time on his hands. If I can get my hair washed, dried and brushed every morning, I'm golden.
Judging!
The test this week is that the girls have to tell the judges who they think has the most and least potential. Oh, I love it when they break bad on each other.
Melrose, of course, says that she has the most potential. She says that Eugena has no potential because she's so quiet and it's "scary to hear nothing." I'm sure Melrose would be lost if the voices in her head ever stopped chattering. Where is it written that models have to talk a lot? I mean, isn't their job to shut-up and look pretty? Jesus, Tyra likes to talk and look what was thrust upon the world -- her very own talk show. Just let Eugena be quiet already!
Eugena, too, picks herself as having the most potential because modeling is a journey and she has come the farthest. (Tyra likes this "journey" analogy that she uses it five more time before judging is over.) She says Amanda has the least potential because she second guesses herself.
CariDee says that her passion gives her the most potential, and Amanda's passion "isn't beaming from her." Uhhh... okay.
In a classy move, Amanda picks Eugena as having the most potential, and I hope Eugena cries herself to sleep that night. Ashamed of her cold, dead heart. And eyes. And in a surprise move, she names CariDee as the girl with least potential because her look is "country girl," and she feels like she's seen it before.
Michelle contradicts and says that CariDee is the girl with the most potential. And I guess it should have been more shocking that she named herself as the girl with the least potential, but since all she can freakin' talk about is how she doesn't know what she wants, I simply yawn and scratch myself.
Evaluations!
Melrose managed to take a great photo, but she's starting to look too rehersed.
Eugena surprised everyone this week by taking risks and showing passion on her eyes. Miss J thinks Eugena looks like him. Oh, you wish, Queenie McDragson.
Everyone loves Michelle's face, and she took risks as well.
Amanda has a body that doesn't work well together. It took them this long to notice? When are they gonna let me on this panel? I could totally replace Twiggy. At least I'd be more interesting.
CariDee reads a letter to the judges apologizing to Nigel and saying she has learned her lesson, but they all lecture her anyway because Crying = Ratings. Tyra says her film is too hootchie, and Nigel says she's trying too hard.
Deliberations!
Amanda has passion and potential but looks like crap. Michelle is a natural but lacks passion and confidense. Here, Tyra wonders if she "sacrificed herself" because she knows that her twin wants it more. Oh, quit reading drama into things, ya bimbo.
CariDee seems sad and falling apart. Um, you think perhaps she's terrified that mocking Nigel might have cost her the competition? They feel she got over-confident and cocky. Unlike Melrose, who is the picture of grace and humility. Whatever. And as the final nail in the coffin, Miss J says she looks draggish. Ouch.
Melrose took a great photo, but she doesn't excite the judges like she used to.
Eugena is very quiet (again -- since when is that a bad thing???). But she harnessed her fear and used it to get a great photo.
Eliminations!
Eugena is the first called because she has come a long way in her journey. Melrose is told to keep up the good work. CariDee cries and tells Tyra that she has learned her lesson.
Glory hallelujah, this leaves the twins in the Bottom Two. Thank God, one of them is going home. They hold hands. Tyra tells them that she thought they would both be in the Final Three. WHYYYYY?????????
One twin has passion but no talent; the other has talent but no passion. And you know how Miss Tyra hates lack of desire. Michelle goes home, Amanda stays.
Michelle interviews that she shot herself in the foot, and she hopes her twin can focus better with her gone.
Next week: Flamenco dancing and Melrose freaks out.