November 02, 2006
"The Girls Who Made It This Far"
Ah, a recap "America's Next Top Model." How uninspiring. Well, at least Husband didn't miss much by working late last night. Tyra promises "never before seen footage," but Tyra's empty promises are what ended our relationship in the first place. That and firing Janice.
JANICE!!!
(I have to do that every time I mention Janice. I love her so.)
We are introduced, for possibly the first time, to Charlie Altuna (hee hee!), the girls' wardrobe stylist, and Sutan, their make-up stylist. Oh, that's Sutan!
Not long as the girls arrive at their Tyra-infested house, Charlie and Sutan show up with a large, silver can emblazoned with the words Fashion Trash. And they tell the girls, "We wanna see your clothes. Go get your luggage. Right now." Oh, this is gonna be good.
The Fashion Trashers go through all the girls' suitcases and start throwing away clothes, after properly mocking them.
The highlight of this is a pair of glitter boots that belong to Monique (The Original BCWEH of this cycle). And I don't mean that they're leather with some glitter embellishment. I mean, these things are knee-high disco balls. They are so awesome; I'm kind of jealous.
But in the trash they go! And Monique says, "Y'all are not cool."
Melrose gets an A+ from the Trashers, and she gloats because she made all of her own clothes. Probably because she's poor. Oh, Mel, so pretty in pink.
And wait -- how did the Trashers not get their hands on A.J.'s nasty hat?
Anchal is mocked because everything she owns has sequins on it. Is that a cultural thing? I ask this in all sincerity.
The lowlight of the Fashion Trash is when they throw Caridee's white sweater into the can, and she goes, "That was my Mom's."
Her use of the word was, and the way she crosses herself after they callously toss the sweater, leads me to believe that her Mom is perhaps dead? Oh, is she the one whose Mom died in the airplane crash? If so, then for shame, Fashion Trashers. For shame.
Jay saves the day by taking the girls on a shopping trip. But because ANTM can't just do something nice for its own sake and has to make every damn thing a challenge, the girls have five minutes to pick out "Model Basics," as Jay calls them:
1. A mini skirt
2. Nude-color bra and panties
3. Large bag, in which it carry their portfolios
4. A couple tank tops
5. A scrunchy to hold their hair back
6. Pair of tight jeans
7. Black cocktail dress
8. Cute sneakers
I thought scrunchies were a fashion no-no, so how did they make it onto Jay's Model Basics list?
We are treated to more Melrose vs. Monique bitchery. Monique says to her face, "Die, bitch, die!" Funny, but Sideshow Bob did it first.
Then we get to relive the drama of makeover day. Cry, bitch, cry!
Ooooh, here's something you don't see every day! A Monique vs. Amanda spat! Isn't she the quiet twin? Oh, that BCWEH has such a knack for coaxing people out of their shells, doesn't she?
Here's the story, as near as I can tell. In the beginning, the girls decided to pool their money and buy food. So everyone pitched in equal amounts, and everything belongs to everyone.
But apparently, Monique was out-voted on this one because, when Amanda polishes off a bag of Doritos, Monique freaks out that someone ate her chips. So what does Monique do? She wipes her panties on all the other food in the house.
No, not really. But would we have been surprised? Not at all. And the reality is not much better. Monique opens all the other bags of various chips in the house and empties them all into the garbage.
Bitch can't have Doritos, so ain't NOBODY havin' chips!
She is so incredibly insane. Can you imagine being her sibling? I honestly think she's a sociopath, in the most literal definition of the word. She just can't function as a human being.
Amanda tries to explain to Monique the concept of "sharing" and "no personal food." She even goes so far as to open every cabinet in the kitchen and SHOW Monique the food, in case Monique is as good at food identification as she is at being a child of God.
But all for naught. You just can't talk to that crazy bitch. Monique sits on the counter and tattoos "Die, bitch, die" on her arm, as Amanda raves on and on.
Then we get reminded of the circus freak shoot. Rocker Megg is crying about her sucky performance. I mean, full-on snotting up the place. Her make-up is completely ruined. She's telling Jay that she gets her inspiration from her metal music and needs her rock 'n' roll to get in the zone. O-kaaaaaaaaaay. Jay ain't havin' it.
Megg sobs to the other girls that she wants her bongos. Um... is that code for something? So they make her some bongos out of cardboard boxes. Awwwwwww. That's kinda sweet.
Then it's the tightrope walking, and the phone issues with Melrose and Monique. And then, some... seasoning issues between those two.
Taco seasoning, natch.
(Oh, yeah. I went there.)
Melrose the Mom is cooking for the girls again, and I guess she's making tacos. She and Monique are the only ones in the kitchen, and for all I can tell, the only point of Monique being there is to mess with Mel.
Mel reaches for a packet of taco seasoning on the counter, and Monique tries to grab it from her. The two end up playing tug-o-war with the packet, which eventually rips in half. I know, people, I can hardly believe what I'm watching. The Boy Child is better behaved than this.
Mel makes do with what seasoning she got and asks Monique to please leave the kitchen. I can't even believe what I'm going to type next. Monique starts repeating everything Melrose says. Remember -- like you used to do to your brother during long car trips? Yeah. That.
At this point, Mel should just shut-up, but she's just so incredulous that she's can't stop talking. And I really hate Monique for making me side with Melrose on this one. The whole thing is just so insane.
After which, we are treated to a recap of Monique's illness and subsequent elimination! YAY!
Then, randomly, there's a bird stuck in the house. Isn't this, like, the second time this has happened to a set of aspiring models? Leading me to believe that Tyra planted it there to elicit a goofy, bird-chasing montage they can then set to music.
More reliving of boring shit that didn't thrill me the first time, namely Tyra's Oprah-esque talk with the whole group about fears. But after Tyra does the group-hug thing and leaves, the girls turn like rabid dogs on Melrose.
Mel insists that she's just "misunderstood." Isn't that what all bitchy girls think? Here's some wisdom from Auntie Wenchie -- if you're going through life feeling misunderstood, chances are, everyone thinks you're a bitch. Change.
Then Mel starts acting like she's the victim with, "I will stick up for myself! I expect the same respect that I give to each one of you!"
Yeah, um, bad-mouthing someone who's not even in the room is not "sticking up for yourself;" it's gossiping. I say kudos to the girls for showing her the "same respect" she shows to them.
Next, there's something about a "free dance," where some hippie chick makes them all wear masks. It's very weird and not at all interesting.
Michelle comes out of the closet of comfortable shoes, Melrose is on E.T., A.J. goes all emo, and...
JANICE!!!
Remember when Tyra came and woke them all up for their "celebrity couples" shoot? Well, we see that again, but different footage. And the girls are fully clothed. Meaning either Melrose the Mom made them all take a nap after recess, or it was staged.
Then comes my favorite part of the whole episode: Jaeda mocking Tyra. The girls stage a mock-elimination panel, and Jaeda plays Tyra. And dudes, she is dean on. Seriously, it's hysterical.
Then Caridee farts. I guess she's supposed to be playing Janice?
Jaeda has the twins in the bottom two, and Amanda goes home. Hmmm... Foreshadowing?
There are seven girls left in the house. Jaeda No-Hair, Fatty Anchal, the Lesbo Twin, the Other Twin, Caridee Whom I've Chosen To Win, Eugena the BCWEH and Melrose the Mom.