December 12, 2006

"The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model"

I didn't realize it was the final episode until I started watching it. Duh.

Previously on "America's Next Top Model," thirteen girls were selected for the catfight known as ANTM, there was faux-sky-diving, a floating runway and Fabio!

We're down to the Final Three.

Eugena, who has gone from dead eyes to better eyes. BUT! Does she truly have the desire?

Melrose was a diva in the beginning, but has since turned around and come back with a vengence. Still, is mean Melrose the real Melrose?

CariDee has the big personality of someone who had to compensate for a gross skin disease for many years. And then she insulted Nigel. Hee!

Three girls remain! This week is the infamous Cover Girl commercial, which includes the photo that will be used in a nationwide campaign.

Tyra says that being a Cover Girl model is every girl's dream. Is it? Really? When I was little, I wanted to be a vet or a mermaid. But never a model. My Barbies weren't even models. They were circus performers.

Danielle shows up and calls them "cute." Which sounds a bit patronizing, but I'm sure she means well. And she confirms that, yes, her manager has officially shortened her name to "Dani." I guess it's easier with all those autographs she has to sign. Or something.

Jay lectures that girls that a Cover Girl has to be a roll model and stay focused. He emphasizes the "No Divas" rule, which never fails to amuse me with its inherent hypocrasy.

The three girls sit in their chairs, getting made up for the shoot. They all have different lines to learn, and Melrose is practicing hers at the top of her lungs, instead of quietly to herself, like Eugena and CariDee.

CariDee complains that Mel is distracting her, to which Miss Classy replies, "Then stop listening to me, ho!"

I didn't know white girls called each other ho, except in jest. CariDee, too, is somewhat amused, but mostly insulted.

Eugena interviews, for the thousandth time, that she doesn't want Melrose to win because "she's fake."

Melrose, in turn, talks smack about Eugena, saying that she has yet to hear Eugena talk about how much she "wants it." Because you have to "want it," you know. Tyra says.

And if that's the worst thing Mel can think of to say about Eugena, that's pretty lame. I mean, I REALLY want a chocolate shake right now, and me not articulating it doesn't make it any less true.

CariDee is on camera flubbing her lines over and over. She's nervous, and Jay tells her to just be herself. But then he interviews that once CariDee is set loose to be herself, he's afraid he won't be able to reign her in again.

Jay starts with Eugene by telling her that he doesn't want a "used car salesman." She apparently takes that to mean, "Be stiff and flat."

Melrose... I don't know, she kind of has a crazy moment here. I mean, for REALS crazy. Like rocking in a corner, repeating short sentences over and over to herself. It's weird. Jay calls her "the ultimate perfectionist." She cries after her take. Did Mommy not love her or something?

Then the girls do their still photos. Melrose is too "calculated." She's shaking with nervousness, and is again "over-thinking."

CariDee tries to concentrate on looking blissful and relaxed, rather than sexy and porny.

Eugena's main goal going in is making sure her eyes aren't dead.

Then they do the pick-up shots, which are... I don't know what those are. But they include the girls collapsing on a couch, laughing and snuggling like old friends. Now THAT'S acting!

Tyra Mail! Judging! And I think we all know who's going home.

Tyra's boobs -- holy crap. They are up to her chin in this dress! Husband is asleep on the couch, but I wake him up so he can see them. He's a fan.

The guest judges are the guys who designed the clothes for the Final Two fashion show going on later.

The judges slobber all over Melrose's take. So fresh! So vibrant! But her photo's no good; her lips look really tense, which is extra bad because the glop they're hawking this time is lip gloss!

I have to wonder -- Melrose has done so consistently well, was that really the best shot they had of her? I wonder... Personally, I think they're throwing Melrose under the bus, but more on my ponderings later.

Eugena's shot is fabulous, and the judges are surprised. "Where was this girl throughout the competition?" But then they argue about whether or not she "wants it" enough. Blah blah blah.

CariDee "gave more" than the others (i.e. she gestured with her arms), but... did she give TOO MUCH? Whatever. Her film was the best, so shutthefuckup about the "too much" crap already.

Deliberations.

Eugena still has no personality. Um, YES, SHE DOES. It's just not as out-going as the other two. Again -- being quiet does not mean there's nothing going on inside. Still waters? Anyone? Bueller?

With CariDee, you never know what you're going to get, and that's scary.

Melrose is a perfectionist and really "wants it," but she's not as natural at it as CariDee.

The judges are second-guessing themselves, so they say. They say they thought they knew who they wanted to keep and who to send home, but now they're not so sure. I'm sure! Ask me! Me!

CariDee is called first to come forward for her photo, and her eyes get big as Anchal's boobs. Then she cries.

Eugena and Melrose are called forward, and Mel gets her photo. Dammit. I knew it.

Then an interesting thing happens. Eugena looks past Melrose to CariDee, who looks very serious and shakes her head almost imperceptably.

They hug, and CariDee whispers to her, "It's okay, baby. I promise, I'll get this for you."

It's whispered so quietly that the sound from the body mic is turned way at this point, and it's still so quiet that they do the close captioned thingy on the bottom of the screen.

I can't decide if this whole thing is adorable, or creepy. Either way, CariDee has the weight of the world on her shoulders now. Now she has to win so that the world doesn't have to stomach Melrose in next season's commercials. It's not just about you anymore, CariDee! We're all counting on you!

Eugena is disappointed that she got cut, especially since it seemed to ride on her so-called lack of desire.

She's like, "Would I have gotten this far is I hadn't wanted it?!"

CariDee interviews that the feeling in the house now is "pure competition. She has to go."

CariDee is on a mission from God.

Tyra Mail! Something about her going to Paris when she was 17, and yes, it's a conceited, convoluted way to say that their next photo shoot is for Seventeen magazine.

Also? Jay is not going to be around for this shoot. They are on their own, like they will be if they win and end up in the real modeling world. Jay acts like this is a test for them, but I can't help but think they may be better off without having to listen to his snide remarks.

Atoose from Seventeen is there. She says that CariDee is more than a face; she's strong and confident. She also says that Melrose has a "unique look." And "unique," as we all know, is a euphemism for "ugly."

Tyra Mail! "Not every couch is a casting couch." I love how this implies that, indeed, some couches are casting couches. Like the one in Nigel's dressing room.

But the couch she was referring to is a therapist's couch. Or, in this case, a "life coach," Dr. Michelle.

First of all, if you're a REAL doctor, you go by your last name.

Second of all -- LIFE COACH?! I just... there's too much... so much rage building up inside me...

HOW DO I GET THIS JOB?! I love telling people what to do, and if I'm a Life Coach, I don't even need a freaking degree or anything! I can just be like, "Yeah, I'm smarter than you, so you should totally listen to me." It's the perfect job for me!

Dr. Michelle asks CariDee how she manages stress, and CariDee says she manages it pretty well because she got teased a lot and never let it stop her from doing anything. Her sense of humor takes away her sadness.

Then Dr. Fakey McCharletan asks Melrose what she has learned from this whole experience. Mel lies and says that she has learned to understand people better or some such shit.

And then she says, "Some of the things I say don't come off right."

Um... maybe that's because they're coming from a bitch?

Dr. Snake Oil commends her on acknowledging her fault because then she can start to work on it, but she didn't really acknowledge anything, did she?

She didn't say, "I don't say things right, and I sound like a bitch." No she said, "The words coming from my mouth rearrange themselves into sentences that other people perceive as bitchy."

So it's really the words' fault, as well as the fault of everyone around her. That's what is known, in the world of politics, as a non-apology: "I'm sorry if you misinterpreted something I said."

Okay, this season's big photo shoot has the theme of ghostly brides. The models are supposed to get more "theatrical" each time they go down the runway, with the final walk being "in their own coo-coo-crazy world." I wish I had a clip of Jay saying coo-coo-crazy.

Hey, Tyra's dress? Joan Collins called -- she wants her shoulders back.

I love CariDee's interview here: "This. Is. Mine."

Oh, Jesus Tube-Top-Wearing Christ, Miss J has flamenco dancer hair. does Tyra know he's borrowing her wigs?

The girls stomp down the runway in wedding gowns wearing bitchy expressions. You know, just like my first wedding.

One of the walks is what Jay calls "The Dis," where the girls stop and stare each other down when they pass on the runway. Melrose does some weird cobra-thing with her body. She is seriously scary.

Then... okay. The dresses are poofy and flowing and the trains are ridiculous, so this was bound to happen. The funny part about it is that it couldn't have happened to two better people. CariDee accidentally steps on Melrose's train, and it rips.

Naturally, Mel assumes that this is a calculated act on CariDee's part. Like, in addition to being vomitously nervous and trying not to screw up, CariDee is also going to carry out some insidious plot that could, if it goes wrong, cause her to trip and fall?

I think not.

CariDee apologizes, and Mel is like, "You're sorry? You're SORRY?!"

They should have called this episode "The Girl Who Is Coo-Coo-Crazy." Jeez, Mel, it's not like you made the dress. What the hell do you care? Get over it.

But getting over it is not Mel's forte, and she totally obsesses about it and starts freaking out. Which is awesome, and I'm hoping it messes up her performance, but unfortunately, it does not.

And then Melrose interviews, "I just wanna numb-chuck her."

You know, numb-chucks. They're what ninja dentists use when you're getting a root canal.

Oh, and then -- I swear, this is the best Final Fifteen Minutes of America's Next Top Model EVER! Miss J randomly gets up, alarming Tyra, and does a turn down the runway in his full-on black Spanish flamenco widow drag queen garb. It's a dream come true.

Then comes the final walk, where they're supposed to be all coo-coo-crazy. Mel is totally feelin' it. CariDee is really over-the-top, and part of her tiara flies out of her hair.

The final pose is Mel and Cari about to attack each other, then the runway goes black. But we are not treated to the sounds of a cat fight.

Okay, Final Two crap here -- contract with Elite Modeling Agency, cover and six-page spread in Seventeen magazine, $100,000 contract with Cover Girl.

Guest Judge Jay looks dapper in a pink blazer.

The judges fawn and coo over Mel's performance. But Cari looked like she was scared, all theatrics and no modeling.

Then they go over each girl's portfolio and do a side-by-side comparison.

Model Stereotypes, where Cari was the dumb blonde and Mel was the model who wouldn't get out of bed for less than $10,000. The judges claim that both excelled, but wasn't that the shoot where Mel sucked, and the photo they used was her ONLY good photo?

Fabio's Romance Novel Cover. CariDee looks gentle and sweet. Melrose, they say, does what Tyra does best -- sexy without being raunchy. Oh, is that what she does best...?

Black & White Scary Taken by Tyra. CariDee is clearly superior. Melrose is putting too much thought, and not enough passion, into it. (I swear, I'm so tired of typing the word perfectionist. Can't they think of another word for her? Something short, like feeb?)

40's Matador Hooker. CariDee is "quite strong" and, again, the fav. Melrose looks forced and could have done better.

Cover Girl Ad. Again, CariDee does better. Melrose has a tight mouth and plain expression.

[And in going back over my notes while typing this, didn't they leave out a couple photos? A couple where Melrose was the best? Like the sky-diving one?]

Well, Melrose was clearly the winner of the fashion show, according to the judges. CariDee is crying as we go to commercials.

We come back to deliberations.

Jay asks if they aren't chastizing Melrose for exactly what they ask of the girls, i.e. thinking about what they're doing, having a knowledge of the fashion industry, wanting to be a model more than anything else in the world. And I want to tell him to shut up, but he has a very good point.

On the other hand, and I don't remember who says this, but Hollywood loves extreme, and in that case, CariDee will be a star.

They argue the virtues of stable Melrose vs. natural CariDee for a while. And Nigel's like, "Heck, all of us in this room are unpredictable!"

And Tyra, bless her heart, says, "I'm not unpredictable. You know when I come in here I'm gonna have my hair weave, my make-up on and a dress that cinches in my waist."

I love her so very much for that one.

The girls are called back in and asked if there's anything they'd like to say on their behalf.

At this moment, probably the most stressful moment in their young lives, so far, this is what we see.

CariDee's anxiety is clearly showing on her face. Her eyes are red from crying, her expression is strained. We see what we expect to see from a girl who is waiting to hear the outcome of her life-long dream.

Melrose, on the other hand, has a Barbie smile plastered on her face. I don't know if she thinks that showing emotion is weakness, or if she's 100% confident that she's got it in the bag, but she looks completely Stepford.

CariDee thanks Tyra for the opportunity and all the judges for their expertise and encouragement.

Melrose says that she has come a long way, especially in her understanding of others (LIE!!!), and she's in complete shock that she's in the Final Two. (No, she's not.)

And America's Next Top Model is...

CaRiDee!!!

She freaks and asks, "Where's my alarm clock?" It's all very cute and exactly what you'd expect from her, and I'm sooooooo happy she won!

And now here's my thoughts on the outcome: As much as I hate to admit it, Melrose did give a much more consistant performance through the whole competition. CariDee is awesome, but if there was a gun to my head, or a knife to my Coach purse, I'd have to say that I think Melrose deserved to win, more than CariDee.

But why didn't she? Because she's a bitch. Because all the girls hated her, and Tyra knew even before editing started that, if all the girls hated her, the audience would hate her, too. And if they picked The Bitch Who Everyone Hates to be America's Next Top Model, well, that's might jeopardize next season's ratings, no?

Melrose lost because she's a bitch. And I'm glad because, if she had won, it would have sent a very bad message to America's young people. Won't someone please think of the children?!

In her exit interview, Melrose says that she feels really misunderstood. Oh, so she didn't call CariDee a ho? That word just came out wrong? She was talking about gardening tools?

She's all, "I worked really hard and got called a bitch the whole time."

You sure did, Melissa Rose. You sure did.

Posted on December 12, 2006 06:22 AM

Comments

Posted by: Hope at December 13, 2006 03:34 PM

Post a comment

Name:

Email Address:

URL:

Remember This Information? YesNo

Comments: (you may use HTML tags for style)