December 05, 2006
"The Girl Who Grates"
Grates what? Cheese? Weird episode title. Previously, on "America's Next Top Model," Michelle wussed out. Everything else was pretty much the same.
Tyra's maniacal eyes at the ending of the opening titles scare the shit outta me.
Okay, how is Kate Moss still working? If I backed a dump truck full of cocaine up to my office and started shoveling it into my desk drawers, along with a 1,000-pack of bendy-straws, I'm pretty sure I'd at least be on probation. And I sure as shit wouldn't be on t.v. representing my company or any product or anything.
Amanda talks about her sister, "If you hadn't said that, you'd still be here. But would I? She made a sacrifice for me." Awwwwww.
CariDee invites Amanda to cuddle in her room if she gets lonely. Which never happens, so I might as well just end this recap here.
Tyra Mail! Something about, "In this business, you meet many pros, so try to keep from stepping on toes."
The girls meet Noama and his translator. CariDee calls him Nacho. He's going to teach the girls how to work with a partner. A male partner. WooooOOOOOooooo, goes the studio audience.
Amanda is scared of dancing. And dancing is scared of Amanda. Eugene used to dance jazz and ballet, so she's in the clear. Melrose keeps messing up and having to start over. Because she can't improvise. Because she's a robot.
Eugena says that, "Amanda looks awkward, as usual." Melrose says that, "Amanda has two left feel." Wenchie says that, "Amanda looks like Jack Skellington. Only not as graceful."
They will all be tested tomorrow on what they've learned. BUT FIRST! Dinner with Miss J, who is wearing a doily on his/her head.
Miss J says that there are soooo many things he is dying to ask and dying to say, but he doesn't get a chance at judging. Because Tyra hates him. Miss J asks Eugena a question, but she can hardly get out one sentence before Melrose just cuts her off and starts in with her ass-kissing routine. The girls exchange WTF? looks.
CariDee interviews that she seriously thinks that Mel has multiple personalities (all of them bitches) and needs to be medicated.
Tyra Mail! There's a photoshoot, I guess.
Melrose interviews that she feels "100% confident" about the dance routine and doesn't want to "over-practice." Uh oh! Someone's getting cocky! Now, what was it that cometh before a fall? Amanda, on the other hand, stays up late to go over the steps.
Eugena and CariDee exchange sweet nothings while lying in bed. CariDee has Eugena feel her smooth pits. They are madly in love and agree that they should both be in the Final Two. CariDee inarticulately tries to convey the following: She doesn't want Melrose to win, but if she herself has to lose to someone, she would want it to be Eugena.
Melrose interviews that she doesn't like CariDee and is not interested in friendship. And I have to wonder if she went into the competition with that attitude, or if was just the natural product of her personality? Actually, I don't have to wonder that much.
The girls have to work with a partner and will be judged on their ability to do so. And their ability to not suck. They change into their tacky flamenco dresses.
Mel immediately starts to spaz that her dress is too long and they won't be able to see her feet. Pay attention, boys and girls -- this is what is known as foreshadowing.
CariDee and Jose dance, showing much attraction between them. I'm starting to think CariDee is a slut, which just makes me love her all the more.
Eugena and Oscar dance very elegantly.
Amanda is working pretty hard to keep up with Grua, but she still manages to have a sweet expression on her face.
Melrose and Angel... well, Angel moves his arms at a different time than he usually did, and Mel is completely thrown off. Now, I don't know anything about dancing, but in singing, you're supposed to know your part so well that someone could sing an entirely different song in your ear, and you just keep going. Mel makes a lot of mistakes, and I laugh maniacally in my recliner. Then she totally breaks down crying hysterically. It's a beautiful thing.
The judges choose Eugena! And Eugena chooses... Amanda? WHAT?! After the smooth arm pit caressing? And all the loving words and shy glances? She doesn't pick CariDee?
Well, CariDee interviews that she's totally okay with it because Amanda hasn't gotten the chance to share in any prize. Awwwwwwww.
The prize is presents -- Eugene gets two, Amanda gets one. I guess there's some designer named Custo? They both get jackets, and Eugena gets a shirt, too. They're kinda shiny and patchworky and ugly.
CariDee is genuinely excited for them, so Custo must be a big deal. Mel is so irritated by CariDee's unselfish happiness. She's all, "Some of the girls' attitudes are so diva. I'm over CariDee."
The girls are taken to another photo shoot (did I miss a Tyra Mail?), and Jay brings out Tyra. How come she has to be introduced and make an entrance? Can't she just be there with Jay? Anyhoo, Tyra is going to direct the photo shoot because she misses all the bossing around she did in Cycles One and Two.
For this shoot, the girls are going to be floating on their backs in the water. Um, don't you have to have some amount of body fat to float? I'm just sayin'.
The girls are paired up -- CariDee and Amanda, and Melrose and Eugena. The latter two are not happy. They are to be "ethereal nymphs floating in the water," the trick of which is to arch your back, they are told. Like, who doesn't know that?
Oh. And? The water is COLD. Which I'm sure they did just to fuck with them.
Melrose interviews that, "I'm good, but Eugena is struggling." Jay asides, "Don't these two hate each other?" Hee!
Eugena interviews that she hopes she doesn't "look like a cold, dead fish." Jay says she looks like she's drowning.
Amanda and CariDee get in the water, and Amanda is really stiff. Just like her sister. Stiff and ugly. You know who would have rocked this shoot? BROOKE!
CariDee is really cold. Like really, really, freakishly cold. Another instance where a little body fat would come in handy. CariDee is soon convulsing with the cold and has to be helped out of the water.
Mel is all, "Oh, she's just doing it for the drama and attention." Yeah, Mel, I'm sure she's risking getting cut from the competition because you haven't been paying enough attention to her. Shut up. Jay thinks she has hypothermia.
Amanda gets the last 50 frames by herself, which really worries CariDee. I'm worried, too. She can't leave!
Tyra Mail! Judging.
CariDee is at home in bed and doesn't feel good.
At judging, Tyra is in her black bustier corset thing again. I can't believe she wore the same thing twice in the same season. I'm horrified.
Melrose and Eugene come forward to see their photos, and Tyra makes them do their flamenco dance. The judges call them mermaids and say their photo looks like it belongs in the Cistene Chapel.
But in the flamenco photo, the judges are horrified by Amanda's foot. She's obviously mid-pivot in the photo, and her one foot is turned at a weird angle. She does it for them again, and they're totally freaked out. Okay then.
Tyra had to flamenco dance at a Victoria's Secret fashion show once, and once she was on stage, she forgot everything she had been taught and "improvised." Looked like the convulsions of a dying ostrich. It's hilarious. And what a bitch to make them do something she couldn't pull off.
Tyra makes Miss J dance with her. He's thinking about his paycheck the whole time to get through it.
Amanda and CariDee get called forward and told they were very good. They talk about CariDee's "hypothermia" incident and fawn over how she doesn't look cold in any of her photos. Then she gets lectured on knowing her limits and telling the photographer when she's had enough. Wait -- didn't someone get sent home for doing just that last season?
Amanda, on the other hand, had to have her face photoshopped in from one of her shots that were taken alone. Geez, even with more shots, she can't give a good one.
Deliberations.
Melrose never disappoints, but the judges get the sense that she's trying too hard.
Eugena is too withdrawn.
CariDee gives good face, but Nigel calls her "high maintenance." I didn't see him in the water, did you? Yeah. Me neither.
Amanda has no coordination, and they want to lose her face.
Eliminations.
When the girls come back into the room, Tyra's corset is off center. What the hell were they doing that got her corset twisted? And more importantly -- HOW???
Melrose can stay, but she's told to lose the veneer.
Eugena stays by the skin of her teeth because they see constant improvment.
CariDee and Amanda are in the Bottom Two. Amanda has the edgey look that high fashion loves, but she's too awkward and meek. CariDee has too much personality and not enough control.
But CariDee stays and cries with happiness! Melrose is not happy.
Amanda soliliquises that it's always hard when something good ends, and she had a lot of fun. She feels like she just got broken up with. I hope she drunk-dials Tyra every night.
Next week, the girls shoot the dreaded Cover Girl commercial and walk "the weirdest runway yet."