January 16, 2007
We Assure You That We Can Get You Laid
That's what the spam subject line said. They assure me that they can get me laid. Oh, great, cuz I was totally losing sleep over that.
Here's the body of the email:
Interested in having sex with people who live just minutes from you? Meet girls, guys, couples who just think about getting laid?Well, our system can make this happen.....
71% of members hooked up using our system.....Guess what... it's free.....
But that's where their exciting story of free, geographically-friendly sex ends. I did not click the supplied link because I do not want a porn virus on my computer.
I'd call up Marty to come fix it, and he'd be all, "Yeah, I really don't see a problem. In fact, it may take me hours to find one. Why don't you go make me a sammich?"
(I don't know why Marty becomes Jim Belushi in my head.)
So let's examine the selling points of their ad, shall we?
Interested in having sex with people who live just minutes from you?
Yes! In fact, he's in the basement right now. Can't get more convenient than that, unless you're going to have a helicopter hover his/her/their prone, naked body(ies) over me while I go about my business, just in case I happen to trip, fall and land spread eagle on my back with my skirt up over my head. And that almost never happens.
Meet girls, guys, couples who just think about getting laid?
I'll politely ignore the fact that that's not even a sentence and move on, so as to avoid bringing you even more shame.
Who are these crazy people who think only about getting laid?! Wherever would I find such oddities?!
Oh, that's right... everywhere. I tend to leave my house at least once a day, so I'm pretty sure I'm running into actual human beings who are thinking about sex. Probably even while they're talking to me. They're called NORMAL. I'll bet my Mom is thinking about sex right now.
Well, our system can make this happen.
So can mine. It's called The Walk Up To Any Man & Take My Top Off System. Works like a charm.
71% of members hooked up using our system.
Dudes, I could stand in the middle of Bennigan's swinging a dead cat and have a higher success rate than that.
Guess what... it's free.
*sigh* I'm tall and I possess long hair, a nice rack and a pulse. I have never paid for my own dinner, drinks or weed. Free, immediate, no-strings-attached sex just couldn't BE more available to me!
And that's not bragging. It's just simple biology.
Seventy-one percent. HA! I just don't think I'm their target audience.
(Okay, Mom, cut it out. Now you're just being creepy.)
Comments
A post about getting laid by guys just minutes from your house, and you call me over TO WORK ON YOUR COMPUTER?!?!?! And then call me JIM BELUSHI!?!?!
So now, explain to me again about that part about never paying for your own dinner?
Posted by: Marty at January 16, 2007 07:21 PM
It's called The Walk Up To Any Man & Take My Top Off System.
Heh--you don't even have to do that much. A nice come-hither look and a whisper would do it for most of us guys... Even converted leg-men like yer hubby and myself!!
Posted by: some_other_dave at January 17, 2007 01:34 AM