January 10, 2007
Answering the Call of Nature
My house is disgusting. I don't even want people coming over to pay homage to Stella because my house smells like The Crazy Cat Lady died here.
Stella has had diarrhea, which is fairly common with puppies. Nothing to be alarmed about. Plus, she's happy to pee outside, but she's not going to tell you she has to go outside. You just have to guess and hope you catch her with a full bladder.
Daisy -- a.k.a. The Good Dog -- has another bladder infection. Between the two of them, we're going outside every seventeen minutes, morning, noon and night.
Now we've all seen the funny emails about How Men Get Ready For Bed vs. How Women Get Ready For Bed, and How Men Shower vs. How Women Shower. And, being a big fan of exfoliation, I can't say with 100% certainty that I wasn't the inspiration for at least one of those.
So allow me to turn the tables a bit, with 100% certainty.
How Wenchie Gets Ready to Take Out Stella at 3 a.m.
1. Throws glasses on face.
2. Shoves feet into clogs (regardless of the presence or absence of socks).
3. Gets coat mostly onto body.
4. Clips Stella's leash to her collar.
5. Runs her into the yard.
And lemme tell ya -- if it's over 40 degrees out, I dispense with step three entirely. No neighbors are awake to see my braless, falangling boobs anyway.
How Husband Gets Ready to Take Out Stella at 3 a.m.
1. Rolls into sitting position on side of bed.
2. Scratches hair, several places.
3. Gets up and turns on bedroom lights, ignoring wailing of sleeping wife.
4. Puts on pants.
5. Puts on shirt.
6. Neatly tucks in shirt.
7. Fastens belt.
8. Looks around for shoes.
9. Asks sleeping wife if she knows where shoes are.
10. Ignores finger.
11. Remembers that shoes are in basement by couch (with wallet, phone and keys).
12. Puts on slippers instead.
13. Walks to kitchen, turning on hallway light and both kitchen lights.
14. Gets on coat.
15. Gets on hat.
16. Gets on gloves.
17. Looks around for leash.
18. Is confused because leash is NOT where he left it -- on the floor in the corner -- but is instead hanging on its hook.
19. Hooks leash to collar.
20. Takes dog outside (ignoring puddle on floor).
21. Is satisfied when Stella pees on the flagstone patio instead of the grass.
See? This is his great plan. I get more sleep when I take the damn dog out. He's trying to wear me down with lack of sleep, so I'll eventually stop making him take turns and just take the dog outside myself.
I'm onto you, Husband! Don't think I don't know.
Comments
Is "falangling" a real word? Can I borrow it?
Posted by: Vicki at January 11, 2007 11:24 AM