February 08, 2007
Ice: Cause & Solution
You know, I've been getting a wee bit annoyed by all the people insinuating that, now that I'm between jobs, I'm sitting at home on the couch watching Oprah and eating bon-bons. In fact, I'm almost insulted that some folks seem to think I'm a lazy-ass with nothing else to do.
Yeah, I'd be offended, ...if it weren't for the fact that I'm totally spending the better part of my day on the couch.
Because I sprained my ankle.
Day Two of Blissful Unemployment, and I slip and fall on the ice. In my defense, it's January in Chicago -- who knew there'd be ice?!?!
I was bringing the garbage can in from the curb -- a Man Job -- and I fell. Scared the shit outta me.
First thought: Shit, my leg is broken.
Second thought: I hope no one saw that.
So I crawled into the garage, where I was sure there was no ice and once in the house, ironically, got some ice to put on my ankle. Ice, like Homer's alcohol -- "The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."
As I sat there, icing, I mentally assessed the damage to my ankle. And leg. And knee. Yup, the knee wasn't feeling great, either. I was kind of hoping it was one of those walk-it-off kind of injuries, but after a few hours of stabbing pain, I gave up and called Dr. Angel, my hot chiropractor who looks like Angel, the vampire with a soul.
Why go to the E.R. and wait seven hours when I can see Dr. Angel on demand? I told him I'd be there in twenty minutes. He's only ten minutes away, but I had to factor in enough time to change out of my unemployment attire -- pajama pants and a sweatshirt. Yes, I dress up to go see my chiropractor. Shut up.
While changing my pants, I realized, I have to shave my leg. I can't let Dr. Angel touch my nasty, hairy leg! Quick -- into the bathtub!
Having shaved the injured leg, it occurred to me that he might want to see both legs, side by side, in order to ascertain if there was any swelling. So then I had to balance, on my nearly-broken ankle, and put my other foot on the rim of the tub to shave. As if any of us needed any more demonstration of what an idiot I truly am.
Vanity, thy name is Wench.
(I know Spikette [nee Older Sister] understands.)
Driving with a mutilated right ankle is no fun. I hobbled into one of the patient rooms.
I didn't know if he'd want me sitting down on the bench or lying down or what, so I said, "How do you want me?"
He said, "Naked."
Oh, honey. If only. Doesn't he know it's not nice to tease old, married ladies? So I unzipped my pants, and he dropped my file folder. Papers went flying everywhere -- Hee! It was like a sitcom gag, and yet totally adorable.
Several x-rays and an hour later, he decided it's not broken, but it's badly sprained in two places. I'm going back Saturday morning for a brace. In the meantime, "no unnecessary walking." Which means, only walk to pee or get food. Also? No driving.
So now, not only am I unemployed and unable to bring any income to the table, I'm also gimpified and unable to do the simplest household chores. If I was a horse, Husband would shoot me. I'm utterly useless.
Well, I guess there is one thing I don't need to be on my feet to do...
Comments
So, are you coming to thurs. dinner? You can lay on the couch and we can hurl food to you from the dining gallery! Ther might be more zingers to be recorded! Have you checked your spleen? garrance
Posted by: garrance at February 8, 2007 04:33 PM
Wenchie:
You are not useless; You are very good for a laugh. I've had a rough day, and this entry has cheered me nicely. Thank you.
-Lori (who also had a hot chiro)
Posted by: Lori at February 9, 2007 02:22 PM
I sympathize. And empathize, as you will recall I fell down a flight of stairs about 2 weeks ago. In public. In front of strangers. I'm getting post-traumatic-stress just thinking about it. Hope you feel better soon, let me know if there's anything I can do for you!
Posted by: Vicki at February 12, 2007 11:34 AM