March 01, 2007
"The Girl Who Won't Stop Talking"
And for the first time ever, the producers and I agree on the perfect title for this episode.
For this season of “America’s Next Top Model,” I’ve decided not to make the recaps quite as long. I have many opinions and much to say, but I’m pretty much the only one interested, so I’ll keep it short… er.
The season premiere opens with Tyra’s self-indulgent story of fame and glory, accompanied by more photos than the human eye can register in 30 seconds.
Thirty-three homely, scrawny bitches have been flown to L.A. Including, but not limited to: Natasha of the Billion Hair Follicles, who was born in Russia; and Jaslene the Charro-wanna-be from last season, back with better hair.
The models are taken to the local Marine base, where Jay and Miss Jay show-up in skin-tight camo, blowing the don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy all to hell. They tell the girls, in their best macho voices (sounding more like my Mom than anything else), that they aren’t ready to see Tyra yet. Hence, model boot camp. Oh, if only.
(Ah, the first oh-if-only of the season. Are you tearing up? I am.)
GAH! Heather’s eyes are too far apart, and she’s scaring the shit outta me.
The girls go get in Marine gear and run like girls.
I immediately love Jael, who speaks for all of us when she says, “It’s just modeling! We’re not curing cancer here!” I hope they do something cute with her hair in the makeover episode.
The girls must march in high heels. I’m pretty sure they had to do that at Auschwitz, too.
Tyra comes in “stepping,” which is, we learn from the ghetto chick, some form of dancing. Like a monkey. Krunking, stepping – who says this show isn’t educational?
We are just informed that this is cycle eight of ANTM, and I’m left reeling a bit, thinking of all that time I’ll never get back. My life is such a waste. Jesus must hate me.
The girls are taken to some hotel in L.A. where they have their one-on-three interviews with Tyra and The Js. We get to see the “highlights.”
Kathleen practically humps Tyra’s leg and can’t stop saying “pretty.” Don’t show her anything shiny. Jay asks The Makeover Question, and she’s all, “Oh, you can do anything you want to me!” So you know she’ll be the first to cry. Lookin’ forward to it.
Sara is just ugly. Yuck. I should have auditioned.
Cassandra is wearing red pleather boots, and I secretly love her for it. She admits to being ghetto (the first step towards recovery), and has sewn her wig to her head. Ow.
GAH! Heather’s eyes are back.
Brittney admits to being loud. Tyra’s like, “Have you had your hearing checked?” And Brit is all, “Pardon?” Tyra and The Js have a good laugh at that, because deafness is high hilarity.
Natasha dresses like a mail order bride. Oops! She IS a mail order bride! At 18, she married a 40 year old American man who brought her here from Russia and “changed her life.” I’ll bet he did.
The girls hate Sara already, and Natasha quickly outs herself as a total bitch. It’s awesome.
CARIDEE!!! DANI(elle)!!! Awwww, they look so pretty! Hi, girls!
Micheline is a biker chick or something. She has 20 tattoos. Too bad because her face is stunning.
Samantha is the token hick. The biggest thing to ever hit her town was the Butterbean Festival. You just can’t make this shit up, people. Say “butterbean” ten times fast! It’s fun!
Melissa is from the Bronx. Christ, that voice. She had to borrow her weave back from her friend for the show. Yes, borrow… back. So she got the weave, lent it to her friend, then had to take it back. I didn’t even know you could do that. That’s nasty. How much beer do you think is in that thing? She’s only 5’7”. Seriously – why didn’t I audition?
Then there’s the montage of the girls who weren’t freakish enough to warrant their own cameos, including The Girl Who Won’t Shut Up.
Oh God. Charro’s back. Do you remember John Leguizamo’s character in “To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar?” She’s exactly like that, only less hot.
Renee’s “son is [her] world.” Which is why she left him for thirteen weeks. I hope he starts calling the nanny “mama.” She clashes horns with Natasha. Well, it takes one to know one, doesn’t it, Renee?
Whitney Plus-Size is busting outta her top. Oh my.
Jael cries, she’s so overwhelmed by being in Tyra’s presence. Or perhaps it’s the sudden realization that, if she doesn’t stop bleaching the shit outta her hair, she, too, will one day be doomed to wearing wigs. Jael is half black, half German-Jew. She looks Polish to me. Whatever. I adore her.
Diana is the other plus-sized.
Felicia’s brows are over-tweezed and uneven. Gross.
The Js make the first cut via gift bags. They’re classy to the last.
Awwwwww, Bettie Paige is going home. Damn.
The girls go to some party with some designers no one knows and get their photos taken. Natasha dances like the rent is late, so it’s ironic that, later in the show, the other girls are burping, and she tells them to be ladies.
Tyra and the Js have to narrow it down from 20 girls to 13. An easy task, if you ask me.
The Js loooooooooooooooove Sara. Yuck.
And the 13 are (and if you've seen the photos, you already know): Natasha, Kathleen of the Bozo hair, Sara, Cassandra, Renee, Samantha, 1B30 (which refers to her hair color because I don’t remember her name), Whitney, Britney the Deaf, Felicia, Jael (YAY!) (oh dear Lord, she’s wearing a red tu-tu), Jaslene/Charro/John, and Diana.
Learn these names. We will come to hate most of them.
Thank God that Heather didn’t make it. There’s no room in this blog for two Heathers.
Was that short… er?
Comments
top gun.
not, son-of-a-gun.
shoot- I hope one of the plus size models win!
Posted by: lolly at March 1, 2007 10:02 PM
damn right! and? my eyes are perfectly spaced!
Posted by: heather at March 2, 2007 10:30 AM
Don't want it shorter. I want it LONGER!!!! i totally live for your play by play.
gimmie gimmie!!!!!
Posted by: Scarlett Cyn at March 2, 2007 01:04 PM
I second Scarlett's motion!
more more more!!!
Posted by: heather at March 2, 2007 05:05 PM
I'm thirding my own motion (can I do that?)
We are just - sadly- getting going on the CariDee cycle here, and apparently I have memorized your play-by-play, because I'm laughing like an idiot (to myself like a proper nutjob) throughout the WHOLE THING thinking "oh, and now she's gonna pee on the bed, who said bitches don't mark their territory???"
You HAVE (Yes, I'm whining)to do your ANTM posts like you used to...! Your public (not pubic, you silly) demands it.
This, from the woman who named her dog after Tyra Banks. Oh. Yes. I. DID!
Posted by: Scarlett Cyn at March 4, 2007 01:15 AM