March 27, 2007
"The Girl Who Something Something Dead"
Previously on “America’s Next Top Model,” Wenchie’s mounting social obligations keep her from watching The Makeover Episode. A nation mourns.
As it turns out, it was also The Nudie Photo Shoot episode, so no one mourns more deeply than Wenchie. You should see the veil I’m wearing. It’s fabulous.
Anyhoo, I read that Brittany was the cry-baby last episode but kept kicking Renee’s ass anyway. I viewed all the candy-themed photos at the ANTM website and, frankly, was quite disappointed. I was thinking that gummy bears stuck to a naked, nubile body would be hott, but it just wasn’t. Maybe it was the hair? Or the tacky background?
Okay, on to the most recent episode. Which I didn’t see all of because Heather called right when it was starting, so I muted the first 15 minutes. What? You guuuuuys! It was Heatherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! I couldn’t just hang up! She said my boobs are fabulous and she loves me!
Come to think of it, she says my boobs are fabulous in almost every conversation we’ve ever had. I sense a trend…
From what I could gather, some disgusting contortionist named Benny Ninja (I’m totally sure that that’s his real name, too) came to teach the girls about posing. Riiiiiiiight. More like – here’s how not to look at all human.
Eep! Jael burned her face with a curling iron. Well, it was worth it – her hair is cute.
Ohmigod! The prize for the posing competition is a $40,000 diamond bracelet by… some designer I wrote down and can’t read my writing now. Oryana? Osgara? Owhothefuckcares? DIAMOND BRACELET!!!!!!!! I’ll bet the girl who won the shoe trophy is really pissed.
The girls have to go through a maze of lasers a la Mission Impossible (I guess) while posing. And I can tell you right now, I’d fall flat on my ass. Also? If you don’t make it to the end in 3 min., you’re automatically disqualified.
Renee really wants to win because she and her husband are broke, so I guess she wants to eBay the $40,000 diamond bracelet or something. How tacky. I’m so tired of her.
Brittany rocks. Whitney rocks AND keeps eye contact with Benny Ninja the whole time, which impresses him. She probably just didn’t want to let that little leprechaun freak out of her sight.
Jaslene vogues. Felicia Tyra blah blah blah.
Natasha can’t stop with the goddamn fish lips, and it’s making me crazy. Who told her that was sexy?
And in an act of karma so poetic it deserves its own book in the Bible, Renee is the only one who doesn’t complete the challenge and is automatically disqualified from winning the bracelet. Bye-bye eBay!
Whitney wins! Go fat chick! She says she’s keeping the bracelet, and I think that’s the only decent thing to do. It’s totally adorable, like a silver charm bracelet. I wish they’d show a close-up.
HA! Renee’s spirit is broken, and she wants to go home. Don’t forget to take your ball when you go, Renee, so the other kids can’t play, either! BITCH!
And I’m sure someone out there – probably someone poor – thinks I’m an asshole for saying Renee is tacky for wanting to pawn the bracelet, but I have to agree with Scarlett Cyn who once told me: “Never, EVER pawn your jewelry. I don’t care how poor you are. Eventually, to get back in the game, you’re going to have to look the part. And you can’t do that without your jewels, baby.” Or something to that effect.
Oh, and it had to show-up, didn’t it? The Phone Phight. Renee is busy crying to… someone. Her coven leader, perhaps? The girls rag about how long she’s been on, and she hears them. So… pretty much anti-climactic.
Next, Jay takes the girls to the roof of the Alexandria Hotel. They have a photo shoot where they are crime scene murder victims. Oh, you KNOW this is Tyra and Jay living out their fantasies.
Renee has been poisoned. By her own forked tongue, no doubt. Her shoot goes very well, but she doesn’t want to tell the other girls because they already hate her enough already. Jay tells them anyway, and you know she’s glad he did. I mean, it’s not like everyone could hate her any more. We’re all pretty much maxed out on the Renee hate.
Jaslene falls off a roof. Brittany drowns in a tub. Diane gets slashed. Sarah is pushed down the stairs.
Jael has been strangled, and the whole death-of-her-friend thing is weighing heavy on her mind, so she’s finding it hard to focus on the shoot. Which is completely understandable. And you can’t tell me Tyra doesn’t plan this shit. You know they had a whole other shoot planned, and as soon as the camera man texted Jay to say that Jael’s friend had ODed, he was on the phone to Tyra cackling, “We’re going with Plan B!”
Natasha is also drowned, and she bitch, bitch, bitches about being wet.
Jay says that all the girls did really well, and judging is going to be hard.
Jael thinks she’s going home because she knows she didn’t do as well at the death-themed shoot as she would have, had she not been thinking about a certain real corpse. Her voice is really starting to annoy me. Not since Cycle One winner Adrienne has anyone been so in need of having her adenoids removed.
Day-um! Tyra’s got a big ol’ wig on for judging!
Sarah is wearing formal shorts, which I hate just about as much as I hate her, so that’s fitting. Her shot is hideous and she has no chin, but the judges love it.
Felicia “lacks sparkle” and is the only girl who really looks dead.
Jael has too much baggage. Have they looked under Renee’s eyes?
Felicia and Dionne are in the Final Two, and to my surprise, it’s Dionne who gets a photo. Huh. I’m usually better at predicting that. Missing an episode has made me loose my touch.
Felicia is glad that the other girls cried for her and will miss her.
Next episode: Natasha’s marriage to a man old enough to be her father creeps out her roommates, and rightly so. Renee starts attacking Whitney, obviously jealous of the bracelet. Jesus, get a new routine, Renee!
Comments
Hot damn! I'm SO over the moon. I'm all quoted and shit in a Pirate Wench ANTM post! Could it get any better than this? Somehow, I seriously doubt it. This is Orgasm material, y'all. (even though she didn't mention I have a nice rack also!*sniff*)
And by the way Wenchie? You got me pretty much verbatum on that quote. Which was actually wisdom imparted to me (read: drummed into my brain) (among others- she also called it about my Monster in law too-I should have obeyed and listened more, obviously.)by my (coincidentally?) now deceased big sister.
Actually, that quote is precisely why, when watching the case of my sister's death on Unsolved Mysteries, I screamed out "No. NEVER!!" at the tv, when her "boyfriend" said that she pawned her Cartier, Tiffany, and other very high-end jewellery. Bull.Effing.Shit.
But I'll leave the pertinent details for my own blog another day....
Thanks for the shout out Wenchie. You know I love you (and your ANTM reviews) to pieces! I'm honored. I really am! I'm gonna go tell hubby now!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
Posted by: Scarlett Cyn at March 28, 2007 01:04 AM
oh i'm glad you didn't abandon ANTM re-caps. though most people who have a life would think this silly, i always watch ANTM on youtube...cause i don't have a tv...shut up...i'm so over Renee, and could the drama be any more scripted? i wish Natasha would call that craddle robber so we could here that conversation.
Posted by: lolly at March 28, 2007 10:56 PM