March 06, 2007
"The Girl Who STILL Won't Stop Talking"
Sara is an ugly, stuck-up bragger.
Oh, by the way, this is part two of the season premiere of "America's Next Top Model."
The girls are walking down the street in a free and easy manner that isn't staged at all. Jay drives up on a scooter in full leather gear. Jesus, he's not even butch enough for the Village People.
He announces the girls' first shoot with, "Fashion is a political world." He's on drugs. The girls have to sell a political view, which shouldn't be too hard, since they have about the same collective I.Q. as the Senate.
The girls are given different sides of controvertial issues. Fur-wearer vs. anti-fur; pro-choice vs. pro-life; death penalty vs. life in prison; gay marriage vs. straight marriage; vegan vs. carnivore; gun-toter vs. anti-gun.
(And just for shits and grins, let's see where Wenchie falls, shall we? Fur is tacky; pro-choice; death penalty but in very rare cases; I'd totally marry Heather; bacon is fucking awesome; I'm a pretty good shot with a rifle.)
We can tell by the way that Jay is hyping the photographer that it's someone we know. I grab the nearest chicken, slit it's throat, and pour more tequila on my Janice shrine, but alas, it turns out to be Nigel. Whoopee.
Renee, The Other Bitch Meat, is becoming a model for her family. So, apparently, her family is a lot different than my family, who wants me to use my brain and become a famous writer. But that doesn't make Renee's family bad...
Oh, who am I kidding. Of course, it does!
Seriously. Who puts on whorey lipgloss and some fugly clothes and thinks, This one is for Timmy! Ridiculous.
Jael has a fever and is feeling really sick. Hmm. Isn't it a bit early in the season for the Trying To Model Through One's Illness episode? It throws me off when they stray from the formula. There'd better be a fucking makeover episode coming up, or I'm gonna scratch Tyra's eyes out.
Kathleen is an airhead. I mean, even more so than the other girls.
Sara's all Oh, they expect more of me because I've done this before and shit. But experience doesn't spell non-suckiness.
Jael is all nerves and illness. Sara is ragging on Jael for... oh, I wasn't even paying attention. Can't we get another crazy bitch, like Jade? I hate these ones who are merely petty and jealous. Show me something new!
CariDee!!!
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Natasha is sucking moose and squirrel balls. But Britney and Samantha make up for it as hot, ebony-and-ivory lesbians. Seriously, they're pretty convincing.
Afterwards, Jay makes the announcement that the girls were just flat, across the board. Hee!
The Tyramobile pulls up, full of Tyramail and a Tyrakey to the Tyrahouse. The theme of the house is past ANTM winners. Testament to these girls' future obscurity.
Wait. Jael likes Renee? Ew. She's like, "Renee is just the opposite of me." Yeah, Jael, she's a bitch.
Uh-oh. Sara wants to use modeling as a springboard to other careers. We all know how Tyra "Shake Your Body Body" Banks, of the Tyra Banks Show, hates those who want to use modeling to break into something else! Hopefully that means we won't be stuck with Sara for very long.
Okay, I'm gonna be a TOTAL racist for a moment and say how happy I am to see the white bitches finally getting some equal time. I mean, in past shows, the crazy bitches were always black. But now, it's Renee, Sara and Natashas -- three of the whitest crackers I've ever seen. Good for you, Tyra!
Tyramail. Ah, the old "trash vs. treasure" cliche. So if Phillip Bloch is in a Goodwill store, which is which?
The girls have three minutes to pull together an outfit that represents -- say it with me, class -- their own, personal style. Then they'll model it for a charity fashion show, i.e. some bums Miss J pulled off the street. Whoever has the outfit that auctions for the highest amount wins the challenge. I wonder if any of the outfits ended up in eBay...?
Jay says Kathleen's outfit "is straight-up Brooklyn hootchie." Hee!
Jael wins! YAY! Renee is all sour grapes and rags at Jael for caring if the other girls are mad that she won. I'm sorry -- why are they friends? Does Jael not have a Bitch Detector?
Okay, at this point, my tape ran out, like, 20 minutes into the show. I had to tape it because Husband wanted to go see a movie, and we hadn't gone out in eons. But the tape ran out, so I had to wait until Sunday night for the rerun. But then "Family Guy" was on until 8:30, and I can't miss "Family Guy." So there's, like, 10 minutes of the show missing from my recap. But you won't even notice.
Tyramail! Eliminations!
Renee rags to Diana about the other girls and how no one wants to be here as much as her. Did Renee not watch last season? BITCHES DON'T WIN!
Tyra wears a do-rag and Mr. T's necklaces to judging. God, we need Janice back.
Jael is called up first, and Tyra admonishes her for "dulling her shine to make people like her."
First of all, that's clearly not what she did because, if she had, she wouldn't have won. Secondly, she's obviously aware of the House o' Hos she's dealing with and doesn't want to be party to unnecessary drama. And who could blame her?
Her pro-life photo is pretty but with no emotion. She tries to blame the fever, not having learned from the actions of past sickies, and then cops to that not really being an excuse.
Pro-choice Natasha blends into the wall.
Dionne is good but not great, which may explain why I can't remember which one she is.
Cassandra is too pretty.
Renee looks scared and timid as the anti-gun hippie. But that's because she's "always thinking about her son."
[Moves soapbox into place.] If her son is so fucking important, she wouldn't have committed to something that's going to keep her away from him for -- what -- thirteen weeks? She also wouldn't be pursuing a career that will keep her away from him for half the year. So shutthefuckup, Renee. Quit trying to justify your narcissistic bullshit. [Puts soapbox away.]
Diana has dead eyes but good, pro-gun action shots.
Kathleen... oh, where do I start. First, they ask her how she feels about fur, and she says something about it being okay to use the fur if the animal is already dead. So I guess if you find a dead chinchilla in the forest, it's okay to make yourself a muff? Then she cops to not getting the concept of anti-fur, but she didn't want to admit it then and "seem slow."
Seem?
Britney is striking in head-to-toe fur.
Whitney and Samantha are good as the lesbians, but Samantha "took the photo."
Felicia did a good job as the bride in a straight marriage, very kitch.
Jaslene is fierce as the Death Penalty Dominatrix. And that's because she's a tranny.
Sara's face is the same in every shot -- ugly.
Deliberations. Tyra is the least satisfied that she's ever been. Hee!
Names are called, photos are handed out until only Kathleen and Jael remain. Damn. I like both of them. Jael stays, and I'm kinda bummed that I won't be seeing Kathleen getting that shrubbery removed from her head during the makeover episode.
They basically got rid of her for being dumb because she did a better photo than some of the other girls. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I mean, yes, as a rule, I'm anti-stupid. But... she's modeling.
Anyway, the stupid girl gives a pretty smart parting speech. She says, going home first, she feels like she didn't get a real chance to compete, but if Tyra saw potential in her, she's going to keep working hard to get what she wants.
I'm happy to report that, by the end of this episode, Husband was hooked again. BWAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA!
Next episode: cheerleaders, Hot-For-Teacher and a nip-slip! Oh, Husband is definately gonna wanna be on board for this one!