March 12, 2007
"The Girls Who Go To Prom"
Previously on “America’s Next Top Model,” Renee’s roommates all hate her. Jaslene had the best photo, and Kathleen went home for being too stupid to model. Wrap your brain around that one.
Samantha (whom I will call Sam from now on because I am lazy) is homesick. She feels like she doesn’t fit in, so it’s a good thing that she likes to be alone.
Tyramail! Babies learn to do it – can you? Walking!
The girls are taken to a high school. Oh cool! Drumline! Jesus, Miss J is the gayest drum major ever. And that’s really saying something.
The girls need to learn to walk precise, like a drumline. But really, this was all an excuse for Miss J to dress up like a Catholic schoolgirl, ruining my fantasies forever. That plaid skirt makes him look like a hippo.
Natasha confuses the word “marching” with “Martian,” and hilarity ensues. For about three seconds. Only in my living room.
Eight planes go overhead in formation. Damn! Was that planned? Kewl! Now we know where their budget for this episode went. Sorry for the crappy prize, challenge winner!
The girls have to walk on the track, and Sara’s shoe comes off. Hee! They all suck in general, and “Baby Elephant Walk” is played oh-so-appropriately over a montage of sucky walking. These girls can’t take direction for shit.
Then, they are to compete in a prom-themed fashion show with three distinct styles – Contemporary, 80’s and Ghetto. Classy. Backstage, the girls are ragging on each other and fretting. Just like high school! Which girl will hide their newborn baby in the dumpster, I wonder?
On the runway, in her Ghetto Prom dress, Sara has the granddaddy of all nip-slips. I mean, her teeny titties are just hanging out, falangling for all to see. And she just keeps going, like the little trooper-whore she is. And while I’m sure the many teenaged boys in the audience were quite tickled, she probably could have handled it a little better.
It’s funny. Most of the girls sucked, but when they are told so, they then go on to interview, “Well, I think I did really well!” Like they’re going to trick Tyra into thinking they weren’t running into each other at every opportunity.
And Britney wins! Awesome! I like her. But the poor thing gets the suckiest challenge prize EVER. It’s a huge bowling trophy with a gold spray-painted shoe on top. What the hell? Did their special prize endorsement fall through at the last minute?
Back at the house, all the girls are talking about how last week’s challenge-winner Jaslene actually sucked the worst this week, and how she must be pissed. And honestly, while I’m sure she’s disappointed in herself, she’s probably more pissed that everyone’s talking about her. In fact, she even confronts Felicia. Renee, on the other hand, is loving the drama, as she is a psychic vampire, and all the negative emotions feed her youthful appearance. She’s really 53.
Tyramail! BFF & 2good2B4gotten4ever! Keep in touch! LOL! ROTFL! WTF?
The girls go back to high school for a photo shoot. Wow, their budget really is in trouble. A professional stylist from Herbal Essence is there. They sell Herbal Essence at Target. ‘Nuff said.
Jael is the cutest-ever Nerd. Sara is the “Flirty Girl” (a.k.a. cocktease). Dionne is the Bad Girl. Cassandra is the Cheerleader.
Renee is the Class Clown, and she is piiiiiiiisssssssssssssssssed. Jay says she’s “painful to watch.” Her “friend” Jael is on the sidelines, giving encouraging words of advice, and Renee seethes so hard you can see the wavy cartoon lines coming off her. That’s poetic justice, right there.
Samantha is the Girl with the Bad Reputation. Jay tells her she needs to look sexy, like she’s masturbating. I assume. The word got bleeped out, even though everybody does it. You can say “bitch” on primetime, but you can’t say “masturbating.” Go figure.
Renee is off crying – literally crying -- because she didn’t get to be sexy. It’s called KARMA, baby! Suck it up!
Britney is the Valedictorian, appropriately. Whitney is the Mean Girl. And she looks exactly like 95% of the teenaged girls in this town, except that she’s black, and they don’t allow black people here. Unless they’re providing customer service in some way.
Diana is the Class President. Felicia is the Jock.
Jaslene is the Weirdo, which is apparently Marilyn Manson meets Judd Nelson’s character in “Breakfast Club.” (I can’t believe I forgot the name.) Renee is crying – again? still? -- because she didn’t get to be fierce like Jaslene. I’m loving this.
Natasha sucks as the Teacher’s Pet because she’s Russian and doesn’t know what a teacher’s pet is. Which I can understand. I mean, so they even have teachers in Russia?
Renee feels like she’s being picked on because she’s the only girl who… oh, I don’t even know. She just can’t model unless she’s looking sexy, and that kind of limitation isn’t going to get her far.
Back at the house, Jael is… naked, for some reason. Samantha is feeling alone in a house full of people.
Eliminations! Tyra is wearing another do-rag. Are her normal wigs at the cleaners or something? Miss J is going to be sporting another lei-type ruffle around his neck for each girl eliminated. Oh, this should be good.
Sara’s Flirty Girl is too sexy. Cassandra’s Cheerleader is just bored. Diana is really good as Class President. Dionne’s Bad Girl is smokin’.
Britney, the challenge-winner, as Valedictorian? Timeless, superb, nailed it.
Samantha’s not trampy enough for the Girl with the Bad Reputation. Felicia’s jock rocks. Jael really delivered as the Nerd, great body language.
The panel fawns over Jaslene’s Weirdo photo, which is awesome. But she breaks down and rats out the other girls for talking smack about her. Renee is behind her smirking and rolling her eyes and twirling her handlebar moustache.
Whitney’s Mean Girl lacked range. Well, isn’t that kind of the definition of a Mean Girl? Renee has energy as the Class Clown, but I think her photo sucks. Her nose looks huge, and all the tendons in her neck are sticking out. Yuck.
Natasha needs to relax her mouth and buy a clue.
Deliberations! Whitney needs a makeover, hopefully next episode. Twiggy wants to slap Natasha. HA! Oh, Tyra’s doing the pirate thing again. Nice boots, Ty-Ty!
Staying? Everyone but Samantha and Natasha. Sam leaves. Knew it.
Tyra tells Sam that she needs more time to find herself, and lose her virginity, before she can become a model.
Sam is all, "God has a plan for me." Yeah, I'm sure that plan included dressing like a slut for photos. God is so quirky that way!
Next week: Renee turns her spite onto Britney because Britney is now in the lead. Jael gets bad news from home, so we know she's probably going home.