April 13, 2007
"The Girl Who Impresses Pedro"
A dream come true! An ANTM/Napoleon Dynamite crossover! Think of the slash fiction!
Actually, when I wrote that, I had just read the title of the episode and not actually seen the episode. Imagine my surprise when it really WAS Pedro from "Napoleon Dynamite!" All my snarkiness for naught.
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Wenchie has a stroke, and Renee has a Come-to-Jesus moment.
Some of the girls agree that they've seen a big change in Renee since speaking directly with Jesus... through Tyra. But other girls don't trust her and think it's an act. We see Renee's apology, "I'm sorry for what I might have said..."
Wait. Might? That's not an apology. That's a non-apology. That's a politician's apology.
Renee writes an apology letter to Jael, who accepts the apology but is still wary.
Christian Marc shows up at the house to take off Brit's weave. Whitney interviews all, "Girlfriend, puh-leeze!" Cuz she's had a weave since the womb, and it doesn't hurt, and eye-rolling and head-bobbing. Whatever. Brit's weave looked like shit and was tearing her hair out, so shut-up Whit.
Tyramail! "Whatever you do, don't be yourself." Whit is excited that they'll be acting.
Hey! Natasha's baby has a name! And huge, blue eyes! Angelina!
What the fuck. Dionne named her baby Ta'kya. I don't even know how to pronounce that. Why the apostrophe? Is there a letter missing? Does one pause in the middle of the name? Now, Reverend Jackson, don't be all up in my grill because you know that apostrophes don't belong in nobody's name, okay?
I'm Wenchie from the 'hood, apparently.
The girls go to some theatre and meet Tia Mawry, who's in two shows that I've never seen, so I'm not quite as excited as Jaslene. Tia has the girls choose a hat and assume the personality of the hat.
Renee wears a bonnet and pretends to cry. Jaslene says "bitches" and then something even worse cuz it's bleeped out.
They have two hours in which to memorize a script, which they must then perform in three ways: melodramatic, diva and perky. Oh, and they must perform it with Pedro.
Dionne slips into some Jamaican accent, which is odd because she "don't speak Jamaican!"
Renee fakes sobbing. Christ, was a basket case this chick is. Jaslene forgets her lines.
Well, the only one who "fully connected" is Renee, who, as winner, gets to pick a friend. To Dionne's shock and awe, Renee picks her. Renee says it's because she "wouldn't give [her] a second chance." Kill 'em with kindness, Renee! Brilliant plan.
Oh my God. The girls get "I Voted For" t-shirts with each other's name on them. They try to act all happy, but you can tell they're thinking of Whitney's diamond bracelet and seething with envy.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Whitney isn't buying all of Renee's smiling. I don't blame her. But Jael says it's good to see her smiling. Oh, Jael will be the first to die.
But the REAL prize is that Renee and Dionne get a visit from their families! Renee's husband and son show up, and Dionne's mom, sister and daughter show up. Um, where's the baby daddy, Dionne?
The first thing Dionne says is, and I quote, "What the fuck is wrong with my baby's hair?!" HA!
Dionne's mom got shot by an old boyfriend and is now paralyzed and in a wheelchair. Damn.
Natalie sees her competitors with their babies and starts seriously freaking out. She misses her baby and sobs on the phone to her husband, and I totally feel for her. That's gotta be hard to watch.
Tyramail! Something something "spooked by a ghost from the past." As opposed to all those future ghosts floating around. The girls will be recreating past characters and ridiculous moments from past ANTM cycles. While sporting Payless shoes. Wow. They're really scraping the bottom of the barrell for concepts, aren't they?
Nat starts taking the whole baby thing personally. "I guess someone decided that I don't miss my baby enough." Okay, settle down there, cowgirl. No one decided anything. No one thinks you don't miss your baby. It was just a crappy crapshoot.
Jaslene gets to be Bre of Stolen Granola Bars fame. Jay says she's too drag-queenish. He's just noticing this? Jesus, I've been calling her Jasqueen in my head for weeks.
Nat's having a hard time getting over her sadness and doesn't want to do the shoot. Jay gives her a pep talk which is actually kind of nice, for him, but reminds her that "it doesn't get any easier."
Nat gets to be Michelle of Flesh Eating Bacteria fame. She sucks it up and shoots it like a pro. Atta girl!
Whitney is Shannon of Bible-Thumping Won't Pose Naked fame. Cuz, you know, she looks so much like a skinny, white girl.
Jael is Rebecca of Fainting During Panel fame. I think she laughs a little watching the replay. But Jay says she's too sexy and that she and Rebecca look like lovers. Jael's gay, right? I mean... right? Is anyone else getting that vibe?
Britney is Amanda and Michelle's "sistah from anothah mistah." Eek. It's clear which one of the "triplets" got the looks.
Renee is Joanie of Massive Dental Surgery fame. ACK! I didn't need to see that again. Joanie pretty much steals the show. Renee repeats what she was told at panel about being "less pretty." And Jay agrees, "Those shots are not pretty." Hee!
Dionne is Kim of Hott Lesbo Action in the Limo fame, but she's freaked. She doesn't want to kiss a girl. "I don't even kiss my own damn boyfriend!" Then where'd she get that baby?
But once in the limo, Dionna loosens up and feels comfortable, enjoys it even! Another belt notch for our favorite little transgender pixie!
Tyramail! Judging. Whitney, Jael and Jaslene are all afraid they're the one going home. And one of them is right!
Tyra, Jesus, what the hell are you wearing?! The hippie headscarf, the ultra-miniskirt? *shudder* Where are the boobilicious pirate outfits from last season?
Okay. Whitney's personality doesn't translate to film. Britney, on the other hand, jumps off the page, even when photographed with the twins, Michelle and Amanda, whom the panel still gush over.
Jaslene is weaking, as she feared. Nat, on the other hand, is stepping it up and takes direction very well.
Dionne was the photographer's favorite. But Jael looked "posey and not fainty." Direct quote. And her speech leaves the panel speechless. Seriously, she finishes talking, and they're like, "... Ho-kaaaaaaaaaaaay."
Renee looks too ugly and too old. I mean, they might have said some other stuff, but that's what I'm focusing on because we still hate Renee, right? Or are we buying her miraculous transformation? I'm still hating. It's more fun.
Deliberations. Called for their photos are Dionne, Natasha, Britney, Renee and Jaslene. Oh crap.
Jael and Whitney are in the Bottom Two, and Jael gets her photo.
Whitney leaves with a beautific smile and kind wishes for the others. I can't wait until Renee leaves, just to hear her venomous parting speech.
Next week: The girls interview each other and then get deported. Hey, is Nat allowed to cross international borders?
Comments
when I watched this episode, that's exctly what I said too: "Boy, they are really scraping the bottom of the barrel with this shoot" they couldn't even pretend to be people a little more famous? - and when they won those t-shirts I thought, hey, it's still better than a spray-painted shoe trophy!
Posted by: lolly at April 13, 2007 12:57 PM
I'm really wondering what's up with Tyra's scarves every week. Did she have a horrific accident involving bangs? Maybe a forhead transplant and it didn't take.
I'm still hating Renee, she's a beeotch with a smile. I really hope Jael goes soon because I can't listen to her talk any more, I'm getting dumber every time she opens her mouth.
Posted by: Hope at April 17, 2007 04:18 PM