April 02, 2007
"The Girl Who Takes Credit"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Natasha sucks and Renee has a temper. Felicia's lifeless corpse got her sent home.
Opening credits, and I must contend that I prefer Brit with short hair.
It's a full moon on ANTM. That doesn't bode well.
Natasha is on the phone with her husband and baby. Now, I realize that she was a mail order bride at 18, but as far as that goes, I've heard a lot less healthy phone conversations between ANTM hopefuls and their significant others. At no point in the conversation does she say "moose and squirrel."
The rest of the girls are talking about Nat while she's on the phone, calling the whole thing "creepy" and "gross." And while they do have a valid point, I think Renee is just using the situation to deflect some of the hate from herself.
[And let me just say here that, while I, too, find Natasha's situation creepy and gross, I think those girls should be thanking their lucky stars that they don't live in a situation so hopeless and bleak that they have to sell themselves and leave everyone they love behind in order to have a chance at a decent life. There but for the grace of God go YOU, Renee, you ignorant pleb.]
Whitney really likes Diana and is glad she's there. Diana wants to loose 10 lbs. She says it's hard living in a "distorted reality" where all the other girls are 5'10" and 125 lbs. Yeah, that would beat the shit out of my self confidence, too.
Tyramail! "Looking your worst could be the best thing that's ever happened to you!" Well, I suppose it made sense to Tyra.
Cathy Gould, head muckity-muck from Elite models is meeting with the girls, along with... some model. Tall, thin, pretty -- you know the one I'm talking about.
So, the girls put on these outfits that are picked out for them and then asked to give their opinion of them. The girls all find something good to say about what their wearing, and then -- SURPRISE! They were given example of what not to wear!
Natasha interrupts that the girls all said good things because, as models, you are supposed to say that you like anything a designer gives you to wear. And she is totally right, and I was just thinking the same thing. But the girls rag on her for it anyway. Even tho' she was defending them, too. Bitches. I just hate them all this week.
Then the girls are directed to switch their clothes with other girls and stuff and -- voila! Good outfits. Whatever.
And out of nowhere, Renee is demanding of Whitney whether she really thinks there will ever be a plus-sized model on the cover of "Vogue." (By the way, Whitney is a size 8, which means I would LOVE to be plus-sized. Bitches.) Whitney is bored with Renee trying to bait her and tries to brush her off, but Renee is all, "Waitin' to see it. Waitin' to see it."
Diane finally chimes in that Renee is a bitch, even tho' they've been BFFs prior. Welcome to the Club of Everyone Else, Diane! Duh!
Oh my God. The girls are taken to a Sears warehouse. Because there was no Walmart in the area, apparently. Jesus, next they'll have Issac Mizrahi designing for the girls. Greg and Larry are two male mannequins, and I'm already bored. I think I'll make popcorn.
The girls are split into trios: Dionne is not happy about being with Sarah and Renee; Jael, Natasha and Whitney are a team; leaving Diane and... oh I forget. And chances are, you have, too.
They have 20 min. to pick out coordinating outfits and design a display with themselves as the mannequins. Garrance, were you watching? And dry-heaving? I'm thinking Thursday Supper New Year's Eve 2007!
Jael, Natasha and Whitney would have won, cuz they are the least tacky, but Whitney wasn't on the podium, so they were disqualified. Needlessly, I might add, as Natasha had told Whit to get her butt on the platform. When will people start listening to Natasha???
Dionne and group won the challenge, and Sarah won the individual challenge. And as she's totally taking credit for it, we find out that Dionne picked out her outfit, and Renee picked out her accessories. Damn.
The prize is that she'll get to do the next photo shoot twice, i.e. do the shoot, look at her pictures to see what worked and what didn't, and then reshoot. Dionne and Renee are PISSED.
Back to bitching about Natasha. Renee notes that, even tho' she's been married for three or four years, Natasha has no ring, which is "suspect." Jeez, for someone as broke as Renee, you'd think she'd be more understanding about not being able to afford a diamond.
CariDee! Awwwwwww, she looks so pretty.
Tyramail! "Dude, where's my lipstick?" Is Tyra ever not drunk?
The girls have to style themselves for a photo shoot, and predictably, they are a mess. Enter the drag queens! YAY! God, that's a great book title, isn't it? "Enter the Drag Queens." The girls are to dress as guys and pose with the guys dressed are girls.
"Jaslene commanded the set," says Jay. Jaslene is all Victor Victoria. A man pretending to be a woman pretending to be a man.
Brit is totally Brokeback as a lumberjack. And I miss Brokeback Mountain. I haven't been able to use that as a reference in forever. Feels good, like being home again.
Renee is a glam rock star. Yawn.
Jael is a bohemian hippie, so type-casted. For the shoot, she felt she was "opening myself inside out." Translated by Jay -- "coo-coo-crazy co-co puffs."
Dionne totally looks like Chris Rock.
Sarah is a rocker.
Meanwhile, Diane is back to being Renee's friend because Renee serves up good dish -- she tells Diane that she and Dionne picked Sarah's winning outfit.
Meanwhile, Whitney is "guarded and awkward" as a frat boy.
Natasha is a hip-hop guy, and seriously, she's incredible. She looks like a Backstreet Boy, it's hilarious.
Diana is in a tux.
Renee interviews that she thinks the plus-sized girls feel pressure from the skinny girls. What a bitch. I'd rather be fat than universally hated.
Jay asks Diane why she wants to be ANTM, and she's all, "Just cuz." And even Whitney's heartfelt pep-talk can't erase the world's stupidest reason.
Tyramail! Judging. And Tyra is wearing some sort of Mormon jumper. Cathy Gould is a guest judge.
Dionne comes to judging as a new person, no more mall rat, and puts out a great photo.
Jaslene is a good-looking guy.
Whitney was the worst of the day.
Jael couldn't break out of her femininity, which stupifies everyone there, I'm sure.
Sarah's extra frames definately helped to keep her in the running. Behind her, Dionne and Renee seethe.
Renee had a clenched jaw, but I can't figure out of that was good or bad.
Diane's face was dead. She rests on being merely pretty.
Brit looks hot. I'd totally do her as a man.
The panel eats Natasha with a fork over noodles. They love the way she can boast about herself and still come across as charming. Hey, that's what people love about me, too!
Deliberations.
Dammit. The two size 8s are in the Bottom Two. Neither is very photogenic. Well, I can't really argue with that. Dionne stays and tells Diane, "I love you." It's actually very sweet.
The girls all hug and cry, except for Renee, off in the corner. Hi-ho the derry-o, the cheese stands alone.
Diane says she's glad Whitney is staying, and to the girl that wins -- congratulations. Awwwwww, just this once, I can say classy and actually mean it.
Next week, the girls party with Fifty Cent, Paris and Nichole. I'll bet next week's episode is called, "The Girl Who Gets the Clap." And Jael puts Renee in her place. YAY! Y'all, you know you've fucked up when you get bitch-slapped by a hippie!
[P.S. to lolly: I'd never abandon ANTM re-caps, and I totally have a life. Not having a t.v. is fine, as long as you don't hock your jewelry to get one. Renee is possibly the most boring bitch ever. And isn't it weird that Natasha didn't call her baby by name? Does it not have a name?]
Comments
I was thinking the same thing about the "used car salesman" of ANTM, but maybe she is just trying to keep some privacy in a house of cameras by not calling her baby by name...right...i really hope a fight breaks out next episode. paris and renee: cage match. Yes!
Posted by: lolly at April 3, 2007 09:03 PM
PLEASE don't ever stop writing this recap!! I have NEVER watched this show (I've tossed around the idea since I started reading your reviews), but I desperately love your quipy review. Thanks!
Posted by: elle at April 4, 2007 09:55 AM
I'm ready to crawl through the tv and bitch slap Renee. I really hoped she would have been gone by now so we can quit hearing how hard of a life she has.
So, am I totally dumb, I thought when Natasha was talking to her 'baby' she was calling her hubby that. I didn't know she actually had a kid.
Posted by: Hope at April 4, 2007 01:44 PM