April 23, 2007
"The Girls Who Go Down Under"
I hate it when the episode title is a spoiler.
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Hope said:
"I'm really wondering what's up with Tyra's scarves every week. Did she have a horrific accident involving bangs? Maybe a forhead transplant and it didn't take."I'm still hating Renee, she's a beeotch with a smile. I really hope Jael goes soon because I can't listen to her talk any more, I'm getting dumber every time she opens her mouth."
Why am I the one doing this recap and not her? Enh, I probably have more time on my hands.
Previously on “America’s Next Top Model,” Draglene sucked, and Jael was “the spreader of light.” You know, if she doesn’t become a model, I’m sure she’ll enjoy much success founding her own cult.
Tyramail! And it’s read by Jael in a Russian accent, so I don’t understand a damn thing she’s saying because she doesn’t move her lips when she talks anyway.
The girls have a visitor, and it’s the very forgettable April from Cycle 2 of ANTM, so I don’t even recognize her, even when someone shrieks, “It’s April!” Like she’s anybody. She’s got some crap show on cable access that requires her to stand on a beach and pretend she's not animatronic.
April is having the girls do some interview exercise, and Draglene is all, “I wanna talk good.” Um, Draglene? I believe it’s, “I want to speak well.” But don’t worry about it, Pookie, you’ll do fine. Just smile pretty.
Gary Riotto, who is… I don’t know. April’s neighbor? Her dentist? April interviews him, and he gives examples of what not to do, like babbling or not talking at all. Duh. I love it when they treat the girls just like the retards they really are.
Natasha and Renee interview each other, and it’s very Mrrrrrreowwwwww! Ffft, ffffft!
Not to be outdone, Jael completely interrogates Dionne. Spreader of light, indeed. The blood-red light of mortal combat, maybe!
Next, Jael in naked in the pool. All the other girls have bathing suits on, but Jael chooses to share her dingleberries with all of them. How lovely. I hope the water is well chlorinated.
Renee interviews about how she and Jael weren’t friends, but now they are, and then, in true Renee style, she closes with, “But I still don’t think she has what it takes to be a model.” Like if she says it enough, it’ll come true. Clearly, Jesus was only visiting Renee’s heart and hasn’t come to stay.
Enter Tyra in a kangaroo costume. Because the girls are going to Sydney. Australia. Get it? Because kangaroos run rampant in the streets of Sydney! G’day! Throw a shrimp on the barbie! Krickey!
Tyra also announces that the winner of the interview challenge gets to be a correspondent on “The Tyra Show.” More than once! Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! But they’re not gonna find out who the winner is until Judging.
Some Aussie “supermodel” shows up and intersperses two sentences with some very simple Aussie slang, leaving the girls cross-eyed and slack-jawed in confusion. It’s so sad. And it leaves no hope that any of them will be able to learn any Aussie slang, with which they will be accosting, er… I mean interviewing people on the street.
Britney interviews that memorizing is not her strong suit because she was hit by a car, got eight staples in her head, and as a result, has very poor short term memory. Bummer.
The girls annoy passersby with inane questions about “Aussie style vs. Yank style,” and must work in as much Aussie slang as possible. Dionne says, “That’s cool, that’s cool!” about 40 times. Except it sounds more like, “Daskoo, daskoo!” And I’m sure the Australians think she’s a bit challenged.
Draglene gets some guy to show us his undies, probably because she’s the first “woman” ever to ask.
Back at the house, Jael points out that she’s been in the Bottom Two twice, while Britney never has. At least, not that she can remember.
Tyramail! Something about “put up your dukes,” and the girls are all, “We’re going to be with kangaroos!” And Renee is all, “Whaaaaaaaa--?” Apparently, she’s never watched a cartoon ever in her life.
On location, Jay Manuel tell the girls they will be filming a Cover Girl commercial with an Aussie accent. The script involves a photographer who is trying to take photos of a kangaroo but is distracted by their beauty. Oh, this should be good. And by “good,” I mean that it’s time to go take a pee and maybe let the dogs out.
Renee gets her lines right and has the accent, but I swear, she looks 50 years old.
Dionne goes all ghetto and totally sucks. Plus, the make-up person did some weird shading on her nose, so now she looks like an embassador to the Enterprise.
Jael has good energy but just can’t talk worth a damn. And when they tell her she has “good energy,” it’s like they’re telling a fat girl she has a great personality or a pretty face. Good energy is the terrible model’s consolation prize.
Jay thinks Draglene looks like Janice Dickenson.
JANICE!!!
And now I’m obligated to send Jay some hate mail for that comparison. NO ONE is Janice, and especially not Cha-Cha from “Grease.”
Britney can’t give a read at all. She can’t even remember what’s on the cue card half a second after looking at it. Poor thing. I really feel bad for her. That’s gotta be so frustrating. Jay says she’s “overcome by her baggage.” Ah, back to the same sympathetic Jay. Thank God. It’s so unnerving when he’s genuinely kind.
Nat’s hair looks retarded pulled into a side ponytail. And it’s clearly hard putting the Aussie accent on top of the Russian accent, but she totally nails it.
Judging! Thank God Tyra’s got her long, straight wig on. Those head scarves were scaring me – I thought she had cancer or something. (Don’t worry – God will strike me down with leukemia for making a joke of cancer. Save your hateful emails.)
Natasha gets much kudos on her accent and inflections. And she’s so articulate! If she was black, Al Sharpton would be using Nigel’s scalp as a coaster for his Harvey Wallbanger right now.
Dionne's accent sounds Jamaican.
Draglene frowns when she thinks. Because it hurts. Thinking is hard! Let’s go shopping! Oooh, look – something shiny!
The good news is, Renee totally channeled Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter. The bad news is, she channeled him all the way to his testosterone and came off very mannish.
Jael: all anarchy, no femininity.
Britney told the judges her head-staples story, and while they were compassionate, they reminded her that the modeling business isn’t. The shots where she’s not talking are seriously gorgeous. If it wasn’t for the head trauma, I’d totally bet on her for the winner. On the other hand, even with no memory, she’s still brighter than the rest of them. Oy, that Dionne.
Deliberations!
The judges disagree on whether Jael is energetic or boring.
Britney can’t take the criticism about her memory. Nice.
Natasha blew the panel away, what with overcoming her thick Russian accent to beat the pants off the other girls.
Draglene is too, well… drag.
Dionne needs more personality. And brain cells.
Renee is generally well-liked.
The girls come back in, and Nat is called first because she is the challenge winner! She’s going to be a correspondent on Tyra’s show! Don’t tell ME America isn’t the Land of Opportunities!
Renee, Draglene and Dionne are called. Leaving Jael and Brit in the Bottom Two. Britney has no memory for commercials. Jael looks like ass on film. Who will go home? Or rather, who will move to another wing of the hotel?
Tyra hands Britney her photo, and Husband literally jumps off the couch and yells, “YES! There IS a God!” Then he went and fixed himself a Cosmo before tweezing his eyebrows.
Jael thanks Tyra and gives much love to the girls, telling them, “It’s okay.” She wears a red tu-tu and blue wig to pack.
Hmm... it would seem that Renee did make it come true just by saying it...
Creepy.
And again, there are no previews for next week. Dammit! I hope that doesn't mean the next episode is as dull as this one.
Comments
yeah, i think the next episode is the re-cap one...also, when the show first started i loved Jael, but this time i was right there with Hope and your husband, gah, if only there was a way to reach through the screen and slap someone in the mouth.
Posted by: Lolly at April 24, 2007 08:12 AM