May 08, 2007
Adam’s Barf Story, Part II: The Open Window
“So I was driving downtown," Adam continued. "And I TOTALLY felt like I was gonna barf. But then I felt like I just had to burp. So I burped but threw up in my mouth. While I was driving!”
“Oh my God!”
“I had to get off the expressway, so I was, like, holding my mouth shut with my fingers. But then I barfed again, and some it of started oozing through my fingers! And I could tell I wasn’t done, yet.”
“Gross!”
“But surprisingly, I only got one little dot on my shirt, and one on my pants and on the steering wheel. Which I thought was pretty good. Especially since I was on my way to a date.”
“Yeah, I guess it could’ve been worse...”
“Finally I found a place I could pull over, and I totally hurled my guts up. I mean, I seriously don’t think I ate that much! And I tend not to chew, so, like, everything was still mostly intact. It was like a casserole.”
“Well, guess what I’m not having for dinner tonight.”
“Exactly. So then I thought I was okay, and I started driving again. Besides, I didn’t have this guy’s cell phone number, so it’s not like I could call him up and make up a story about being sick or something.”
“You just threw up an entire casserole, and you’d have to make up a story about being sick?”
“Good point. But I was still nauseated, so I drove around looking for a place where I could just park my car, get out, sit on the curb and barf between my feet.”
“Classyyyyyyyyyyyyy.”
“Well, it was either that, or barf in my mouth again. But you know how Chicago streets are? Where there’s cars parked on both sides and hardly enough room for one car to drive down the middle? That’s what all of the streets were like in this neighborhood! I just wanted some quiet spot to barf, and I couldn’t even pull over! It was ridiculous! And it was a nice day, so everyone was out with their kids and walking their dogs and stuff.”
“Bwaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
“Normally, I get a good two-minute warning before I’m gonna barf, but this time, I swear to God, it was, like, instant! I barely had time to turn my head. Thank God my window was open. I just leaned out my window and barfed up another casserole! And it was all down the side of my car and everything!”
At this point in the conversation, I was laughing so hard I couldn’t even stand, and I had gone blind in one eye. I love other people’s misery. As does Gary Coleman. (Name that musical! Anyone?)
“So I had to stop my car in the middle of the street and open my door and just barf right there. And I’m a very violent barfer, so it was really loud, and people were, like, coming out of their houses to see what was going on.”
“Please… stop… can’t… breathe…”
“When I finished, I was so embarrassed, I just closed my door and drove away real fast. By the time I got to the restaurant, the spots on my shirt and my pants were dry, so I just flicked the little dried chunks off, and I looked okay.”
“Oh sweet Jesus. I pulled a muscle in my stomach from laughing. I hope you didn’t kiss the guy.”
“No, we just hugged. And I just had a sloppy joe to eat.”
“Wait, wait, wait. You ate a sloppy joe?! After puking up several casseroles?! Dude! Sloppy joe totally looks like barf! How could you eat that?!”
“Well, it seemed bland.”
“Sloppy joe seemed bland?! It has peppers! Dude! Who eats a sloppy joe after blowing chunks in their mouth?!”
“Well, I had to get that taste outta my mouth. Besides, sloppy joes come pre-chewed, so if I barfed again, it wouldn’t hurt coming out of my nose.”
Well, folks, it took me quite a while to recover physically from that bout of laughing. And it’ll take me even longer to ever eat a sloppy joe again, just because of the association. Or eggs. Or a casserole.
Food for thought: Did it ever occur to you that the bowl your mom gave you to barf into was the same bowl you all ate popcorn out of on Sunday nights? Weird.
Comments
Okay, I was laughing like a hyena at the office, awesome story!
I never understood the puke bowl thing. I always got a bucket. And a blanket on the floor by my bed in case I missed.
Posted by: Hope at May 8, 2007 04:40 PM
I can't believe that no one else recognizes the Avenue Q reference.
also? we used one of those stupid little kidney-shaped things from the hospital. which is waaayyyy too small for any reasonable hurl...
Posted by: heather at May 9, 2007 10:36 AM
OMG what a story! I was ready to throw up a little in my own mouth ... Yuck! Throw up in a bowl or bucket (though the bucket would be more acceptable)? Ick ... who wants to clean that up? When I was a kid I was expected to get up and run to the toilet.
Posted by: Snippy Bitch at May 9, 2007 01:41 PM
We had a bucket, not a bowl. I can't stop laughing, and I might have peed a little -
Posted by: Vicki at May 10, 2007 12:25 PM
Awesome story! Thank you for the good laugh. I love his reasoning that sloppy joes is pre-chewed and it wouldn't hurt coming through his nose if he puked again.
And speaking of puking in bowls, Girl-child was coughing so hard on Wed. night that I ran to get her a bowl, and got back just in time for her to puke 4 times. I think she had Oreos before bed, so it was brown (with a creamy center). One of those kidney-shaped bowls never would have held it all.
Posted by: Billi at May 11, 2007 10:35 AM
I have always been a toilet barfer except for the other day when I woke up and had approximately 30 seconds to wake up and think I am awake because something is wrong? Barfed on myself in bed.
Posted by: jocelyn at May 15, 2007 05:49 PM