May 06, 2007
Adam’s Barf Story, Part I: Prelude to a Spew
I met Adam at Starbuck’s the other day for frappies and to build a MySpace (because we’re 13), and with obvious excitement, he asked me, “Did I tell you my latest barf story?”
And you would be right to assume from that statement that, indeed, Adam has many barf stories, and that verily, I have been privy to most or all of them. Happy times.
If you'll remember, Adam is one of the Thursday Dinner crew, son of Garrance and K, and as gay as Karaoke Show Tunes Night down in Boys Town.
[Author’s note: I am putting Adam’s story in quotes, although there is no way I can accurately recount the entire thing verbatim. I remember the key phrases distinctly, and the rest I will paraphrase with what I hope resemble Adam’s innate eloquence. Also, all names have been changed to protect the innocent. Except Adam's]
“Okay, so you know how I had a blind date Saturday afternoon?” Adam began. “Well, Friday night, I was over at the Smiths’ house. Sally’s parents love me because I play piano for them, and we all sing show tunes and drink martinis.”
“You are so gay.”
“I know. And you know how, when someone else keeps filling your glass, and you haven’t really finished the first one, it doesn’t seem like you’re drinking that much?”
“All too well.”
“Well, I think I had about three martinis. Which wasn’t good because all I’d had to eat that day was a bowl of cereal. So Mrs. Smith made me sleep over, which was totally embarrassing, but friends don’t let friends drive drunk, so whatever.”
“Where did you sleep?”
“In Sarah’s room because she was sleeping over at her boyfriend’s.”
“Mrs. Smith lets Sarah sleep at her boyfriend’s?!”
“Well, she’s like, twenty-three.”
“Oh yeah. I keep forgetting she’s not in high school.”
“AAAAAAAANyway, the next morning, Mrs. Smith made us all these omelettey things, only you don’t use a pan. You put eggs and then whatever toppings you want in a plastic baggy and drop it in boiling water.”
“Weird.”
“I know. But she had, like, all these ingredients you could use! Like bacon and cheese and mushrooms! It was like being on a cooking show or something. She also had ham on the bone!”
“Who has ham on the bone, like, just handy for breakfast?! I wanna sleep over there!”
“So I had my eggs and two big slices of ham. Oh wait, sidetrack. My brother always thinks I’m a freak because, if I drink too much, I don’t barf until the next day, and he just barfs before he goes to sleep.”
“I always wake up in the middle of the night to barf. I don’t think there’s any universal time for the binge-drinking barf. You’re not a freak.”
“Okay, but it’s part of my story. You see where this is going. I left Smiths’ and went to my parents’ house because I didn’t want to drive all the way home because I felt totally sick. So I laid down on the couch for a while.”
“Did you barf on your parents’ couch?!”
“No. It’s much better than that. Finally, I was like, ‘Okay, I just have to get this over with because I have a date in three hours.’ So I went to the bathroom and couldn’t decide whether I should try to barf or poo. I opted for poo because then I could always lean over to the sink if I had to barf.”
“That’s what I would have done.”
“Besides, barf is easier to clean up than poo.”
“I don’t understand the rationale behind that statement, but go on.”
“So I took a really huge dump and felt much better.”
“How nice for you.”
“Delightful. So I had an hour and half before I was supposed to meet this guy downtown for lunch, and since I was still in my clothes from the night before, I went home and changed. But then I felt like I was gonna barf again. So I went in the bathroom and tried to make myself throw up, but it didn’t work.”
“Husband can make himself throw up whenever he wants, and then he’s totally fine and ready to eat. It’s completely bizarre.”
Okay, this is totally triggering my gag reflex. I have to go. The rest of the story in a day or two, I promise.
Comments
What am I to do with that child????????????????/ Gag me with a spoon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Garrance, his parental
Posted by: garrance at May 7, 2007 04:22 PM