May 24, 2007
I Am So Jealous
My friend has a stalker.
I don't know why he has a stalker and I don't. I'm certainly better looking than he is. I'm the one with long, flowy hair. I'm the one with the fantabulous knockers. It's just not fair!
But it's still funny as hell.
He's married. She's married. They live in different states. She's weirdly homely, and yet she's tenacious in her decade-long pursuit of my friend. Despite the fact that, during this decade, she has gotten married and squeezed out two children. Children that she, no doubt, wishes had a different father. It's all very sad. And creepy.
And hilarious!!
Don't believe me? Read for yourself. Penned by her, for him:
I love the cool space
Just above your skin
Right before my hand
Touches you
The way my hand
Glides over your face
Smooth and soft and warm
To your chin
And the look in your eyes
When you feel it too
I know you do
Without saying a word
But you never can
Never will
Even though I see
How acutely you want to
Kiss me
Instead we dance
Together
Every now and then
Pretend that
It doesn't mean anything
One day
I swear
My eyes will finally convince you
To finally just do it
Kiss me!
Soft and gentle
Wild and passionate
Quick and desperate
Whatever way
You can justify in your mind that
You can
It's funny
I don't even know why
I want you to
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! "My eyes will finally convince you"???
If he's not swayed by this heartfelt tome, then he's just a cold-hearted bastard.
But now on to the real issue: Why isn't anyone writing me crappy poetry? Oh, I got plenty of it in high school. I even inspired an entire notebook-full in college. Plus a song!
But lately? No. And I'm really pissed. If anyone deserves to be stalked, it's me. I was going panty-less while Paris was still forgetting to pull up her Pull-ups!
Comments
OK, OK. I'll start.
There once was a blogger named Wenchie
Whose cleavage was all nice and trenchie
With long flowing hair
And legs up to here
She's way hotter than Dame Judith Dench-y
How's that? Feel better now?
Posted by: Marty at May 25, 2007 09:49 AM
I would totally stalk you if you were, oh, ten years younger.
Apparently.
Posted by: Uncle Twitchy at May 25, 2007 12:13 PM
I've been waiting for my chance - I will stalk you!! W is for whoa! E is for enchanting N is for nice C is for charming H is for her majesty.....
I'm just getting started here
Posted by: Vicki at May 31, 2007 12:04 PM