May 24, 2007

I Am So Jealous

My friend has a stalker.

I don't know why he has a stalker and I don't. I'm certainly better looking than he is. I'm the one with long, flowy hair. I'm the one with the fantabulous knockers. It's just not fair!

But it's still funny as hell.

He's married. She's married. They live in different states. She's weirdly homely, and yet she's tenacious in her decade-long pursuit of my friend. Despite the fact that, during this decade, she has gotten married and squeezed out two children. Children that she, no doubt, wishes had a different father. It's all very sad. And creepy.

And hilarious!!

Don't believe me? Read for yourself. Penned by her, for him:

I love the cool space
Just above your skin
Right before my hand
Touches you
The way my hand
Glides over your face
Smooth and soft and warm
To your chin
And the look in your eyes
When you feel it too
I know you do
Without saying a word
But you never can
Never will
Even though I see
How acutely you want to
Kiss me
Instead we dance
Together
Every now and then
Pretend that
It doesn't mean anything
One day
I swear
My eyes will finally convince you
To finally just do it
Kiss me!
Soft and gentle
Wild and passionate
Quick and desperate
Whatever way
You can justify in your mind that
You can
It's funny
I don't even know why
I want you to

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! "My eyes will finally convince you"???

If he's not swayed by this heartfelt tome, then he's just a cold-hearted bastard.

But now on to the real issue: Why isn't anyone writing me crappy poetry? Oh, I got plenty of it in high school. I even inspired an entire notebook-full in college. Plus a song!

But lately? No. And I'm really pissed. If anyone deserves to be stalked, it's me. I was going panty-less while Paris was still forgetting to pull up her Pull-ups!

Posted at 05:30 PM | Comments (3)

May 23, 2007

Things I Do That Annoy Myself

1. Saying, “I’m starving!” Am I really starving? No. Of course not. Although I can see my feet just fine, alas, my ribs are but a fond memory. To say that I, with my Secret Stash drawer full of Snow Caps and Good 'n' Plenty, am enduring scurvy and faced with an uncertain future, undermines what it truly means to be starving. I’m a horrible, horrible person.

2. Waiting too long to go pee. I have a small house and two bathrooms, and yet, I'm often in danger of wetting myself because I’m too lazy to drag my diet-A&W-sodden ass down the hall as often as I should. Which means when I do go, about the time my kidneys start aching, I have to tiptoe, so as not to slosh around too much.

3. Conversely, waiting too long to go poop. As a rule, I don’t like to sit on the toilet and read or meditate or whatever the hell it is that people do when they take half-hour-long shits, so I wait until my bowels are damn good and ready so that I can squeeze one out in less than 10 seconds. But sometimes, I wait to long, and then I’ve got a turtlehead poking out. Not a comfortable walk.

4. Talking on my cell phone when I’m driving. For some reason, I can’t get it thru my head that I, too, am a witless asshole when I drive and talk. I will swear to make a sailor blush when someone in front of me has forgotten what the gas pedal and turn signals are because they simply must discuss the last episode of “Grey's Anatomy” in detail, but that’s just other people. I don’t forsake driving skills for mindless so-what-are-you-doing conversations. NooOOOooo.

Send your hate mail to piratewenchdotorg@yahoo.com.

Posted at 11:45 AM | Comments (4)

May 22, 2007

"The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model"

Let me just say that this will be short because I don't think I've ever seen such a boring final episode of "America's Next Top Model."

The three finalists -- Renee, Draglene and Natasha -- will shoot a Cover Girl ad today, and the ANTM winner will have their ad run in magazines. The ad is for Trueshine Lip Color, and they'll also do one of those My Life as a Cover Girl spots.

Uh-oh. The girls will have to ad-lib their commercial and "bring their personality." Or mask it, as the case may be.

CariDee shows up to help coach the girls or something because it's in her contract. CARIDEE!!! She tells the girls, "I'm so glad I'm not you right now." HA! You gotta love her.

In some kind of cruel joke, Jay wants Natasha to incorporate the phrase "sheer, shiney shades" into her commercial. Then he tells her she sounds like she's reciting her grocery list and needs to add spontineity. While she's translatin Russian into broken English in her head.

Okay, here's Renee, "Aloha! After I had a baby, I thought my life was over." HA! First of all, Australia is a long way from Hawaii. Secondly, I don't think Haggard Mother is the image that Cover Girl is trying to sell. But after Jay called her on that, she did really well. Dammit.

Draglene is in the back of a limo, and Jay tells her he wants to see Cha-Cha, which is her Latino drag queen alter ego. So she throws in some Spanish. Kinda lame, but she looks fantastic.

Then it's Renee's turn to take her photo, and when the photographer asks who's next, she says, "THEE Cover Girl." Oh, get over yourself. Then someone voiceovers that she "looks too old to be starting out in the modeling industry." Hee!

And we're treated to another one of Renee's more Christian moments when she interviews, "I hope Natasha doesn't get to do the runway show because she walks like a pidgeon-toed duck with poop hanging out off her ass." How charming.

Judging!

Natasha has some trouble ad-libbing in her second language, but Jay encourages her that it's her "imperfections that are beautiful." Her face looks like she's questioning something, but her lips are PERFECT for selling lip color.

Draglene has too many pauses in her spoken commercial, but Jay loves the Spanish. Her photo is great, but she's nervous doing the commercial.

Renee really caught the excitement of her nautical surroundings doing the commercial, and her photo looks "healthy" and "outdoor." Probably because she's... outside? I'm just sayin'. Unfortunately, she photographs old, and it's speculated that the puffiness and wrinkling is sun damage. So much for "healthy outdoor," huh?

Deliberations!

Natasha is the "most beautiful" of the girls and a "quick study." She takes criticism and works on it. Tyra also says that she "touches my heart." Awwwwwwww.

Draglene's photo looks more Class of '07 than model. She does better when she's looking fierce, but not so well at commercial.

Renee has the "best photo" and "great energy," but she's "not the freshest face." They've "seen it before."

Draglene gets her photo, and Renee holds hands with Natasha. Huh. Any port in a storm, eh, Nay-Nay? Tyra calls Natasha's name, and Draglene's enormous jaw drops to the floor, registering a 6.5 on the Richter Scale. Nat hugs Renee.

Tyra tells Natasha that she works on her critiques, and that's why she's staying. Renee is seething. But then, in a bizarre twist, as she hugs the girls good-bye, she whispers to Natasha, "Win this for the mamas."

Ajeckamongahuh???

Nat and Drag go to a shoot for "Seventeen," and the ANTM winner will get her photo on the cover. Oooh, in an adorable pink hoodie! And bitchen ANTM brass knuckles!

Draglene interviews that she's "surprised that Natasha is here and not Renee. If she wins, I'll pull out all her hair." Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Drag used to be so cool, and now I officially hate her.

Oh God. The girls have to endure yet one more painful interview with Mama Tyra.

Tyra wants to know about Natasha's life in Russia. Nat says that she couldn't afford to go to university, so she moved to Moscow, where she often didn't have anything to eat. She says she'd represent America well as its next top model because America is a melting pot, and "I'm an American."

Tyra wants to know what was going on with Draglene between her elimination last season and the present. She says she started thinking about building her character and loving herself.

Jay is there on the final runway, which looks pretty damn rickety. The theme of the fashion show is the Evolution of Woman, so when they come out first, they have to look primitive and animalistic.

Nat is talking to Drag about how the runway looks difficult, and Drag is all, "I know Natasha has a strategy, so I'm not listening to her." Jesus, woman, she's just trying to make a little small talk! Lighten up!

Ohmigawd, their shoes are so cute. I wonder if they get to keep them.

The show itself is the most boring runway showdown they've ever had. I can't think of one damn thing to say about it. The clothes are boring, nothing dramatic happens. Yawn.

Final Elimination!

Drag started out weak but got stronger. Nat started out great, but then got lame by the end.

We see their CG photos side by side, and frankly, I don't like either of them.

Then the girls get to say their last words. Nat thanks them with "WE appreciate the opportunity." Classy to the end. I don't remember what Drag says.

Deliberations!

Natasha is "funny" and "a quick study" who has "great features" and a "great future."

Draglene is an "amazing editorial model" but "not commercial."

Tyra wants Natasha to win, Nigel wants Draglene. And they must be sleeping together because Draglene wins, and you know Tyra wouldn't give up her pick if she wasn't totally whipped.

Crap. She's mean. She sobs and Nat hugs her.

In her exit interview, Nat says that she "enjoyed every minute of it" and will be "glad to go home to [her] family."

I'm very disappointed, but I know I'll never be seeing Draglene again except in My Life As a Cover Girl commercials next season, so it's okay.

And thus ends this season of ANTM. We now return to our regularly scheduled vaginas.

Posted at 06:19 PM | Comments (1)

May 21, 2007

Strap In and Prepare Yourselves

Our phone and internet connection has been crap for six months. We bought two new phones before we realized, "Hey, our DSL is compromised, too. Gee, do you think it's... the phone line?!"

For months, we've been saying that someone needs to call SBC and get the damn thing fixed. But we both had a different idea of who someone was. I thought it was Husband; he thought it was me. I think we were just waiting each other out, hoping the other would call and we wouldn't have to.

Why? Boy and girls, have you heard of a thing called Automated Phone Hell? Well, I'm here to tell you that such a thing does exist. I have been there and lived to tell the tale.

But the tale is very boring, so I won't tell you. Suffice to say, I tried four times to call, went through a different automated maze each time, and never got to talk to a live person.

Eventually, fate smiled upon me, and I was treated to a recorded message that told me I could file my complaint online!

Angels sang while I went through the hassle-free process on SBC's website. Of course, I had to do it on Mom and Dad's computer, which means I had to suffer through dial-up. But I have a lovely, new afghan to show for it, and the repair guy came out today.

God be praised, he was polite, knowledgable and efficient, and our connection is FIXED!

The point of all my babbling is this: I will be able to blog on a much more regular basis now. So will my friends and family start injuring themselves hilariously? I need some good material.

Thank you.

Posted at 01:42 PM | Comments (0)

May 15, 2007

"The Girl Who Does Not Want To Dance"

When I read the episode title, I was like, "Please, God, let Renee dance like Elaine on Seinfeld, and I will never scam a free lunch out of Marty again."

Previously on “America’s Next Top Model,” Brit-Brit threw a tantrum and went home. So there. Nyah. Dionne, Jaslene, Natasha and Renee remain.

Tyramail! Do you want this "heart, soul and spirit?" Huh? The girls can’t figure out what they’re going to be doing, and the rest of us don’t care. Moving on.

Renee is talking with someone about being in the Bottom Two, and how you know it’s bad when your photo comes up on the screen, and the judges are all quiet because they’re trying to figure out what exactly they don’t like about it. Hee! Like I've been telling you, crickets are bad.

Then we are treated to a delightful montage of everyone on the judging panel looking at a photo, and then giving the camera a whatchoo-talkin-bout-Willis look. It’s pure awesome. I want it as my screen-saver.

This next bit, I want as my ringtone. It’s Natasha, with her sexy Russian accent, talking on her cell phone to her husband, calling him “Baby, baby, baby,” over and over. It’s ridiculous, yet dirty. In fact, I’m pretty sure that the reason she has the phone resting on her pillow is because her hands are between her legs.

Renee says, “She’s weird.” Pot, meet kettle.

Natasha interviews that “the girls are all into my behavior,” and indeed, they do seem obsessed with her in a she-thinks-she’s-so-cool kind of way. Like when you can’t admit the real reason you hate someone, so you say stupid shit. She’s convinced they’re judging her because they’re jealous, and as nutty as she is, I don’t think she’s wrong.

Next, the girls are magically transported to the forest, where it’s cold and raining. Natasha is wearing wedge heels, probably because no one told them where they were going, and the girls are ragging on her for it. Like, who cares? Why are they so engrossed in her choice of footwear? It’s not like she asked them to carry her, for God’s sake.

They are greeted by Uncle Max and the White Handprint Players, who are going to tell a story through dance. Oooh, I hope it’s Lolita! I love that one. Afterwards, the girls will have to tell their own story.

Renee stupidly compares it to modeling, in a completely ass-kissing moment. I mean, we all know Tyra set up the challenge so we could see the girls humiliate themselves, but Renee’s all, “Modeling it just like storytelling, only we tell the designers’ stories through photos and runway.” No, I’m serious! She actually said that! Because making sure that Paris Hilton knows what Vera Wang wants her to buy for spring is sooooooooooo exactly like the centuries-old art of passing down a people’s history from generation to generation. GOD, I hate her.

The girls have fifteen minutes to prepare their story through “body art, movement and oral speech.” (As opposed to anal speech.) I wonder if Jaslene will be speaking as a collective?

Renee introduces herself as “Nay-nay,” probably because she thinks it sounds Aboriginal, and she’s all about making herself into whatever she thinks will sell, and masking her true, hate-able self.

Here’s Renee, “I was abused, and my feet are bloody, but then the blood went away, and I grew into a flower, and me and my sisters and mom grew tall and strong together, and there were tears, and now we are unified as one woman saying ‘No more’!”

I’m pretty sure she stole that from a Maya Angelou poem.

Jaslene is all broken English, “I was a young girl misled, but I found my true love dream, and now I live, love and laugh.” And she actually has to tell them when she’s done because they’ve all fallen asleep.

Dionne is upset that she has to dance while she tells the story. She also doesn’t feel that her past is relevant. And for once, she’s exactly right.

Natasha tells her story very quietly because she says that’s how you get people to really listen. And she does have a good point, but she takes it too far, and no one knows what the hell she’s talking about, so it’s just some crawling about with tree branches. Polite applause.

Renee says of her, “She’s a sweet girl, but she’s a few fries short of a Happy Meal.”

Some entertainment director from “Seventeen” is there to pick the winner. Yeah, because “Seventeen” is all about telling your story. And not at all about lip gloss and embarrassing period stories and how to get a boy to notice you.

Renee won, and I have to admit that she sucked the least. She picks Jaslene. Wait, wasn’t she hating on Jas a few episodes ago?

When they get home, there’s some guy waiting for them from Autore Pearls, and Renee wins her choice of jewelry, which is a HUGE pearl solitaire necklace with some diamonds and shit. [Uncle Twitchy, insert pearl necklace joke here.] Jaslene picks a bracelet. DAMN! That’s some serious bling. Hee! I said bling! Renee is terribly excited, probably because she can’t wait to go home and hock it.

Dionne is kicking herself for not taking the challenge more seriously. She’s burnt out and wants to have some fun. So they go out to a bar while Natasha stays home with the flu. Bummer. But this gives the girls the opportunity to rag about her and make us hate them all the more.

They all want Nat to go home. Dionne is all, “She’s got some lies floating around her.” And they all agree that her “story” has changed, and that it’s weird she never mentions her husband by name.

And seriously, if I had to live in a house with a bunch of 18-24 year old females for thirteen weeks, you can be sure as shit I wouldn’t be divulging details of my personal life. I frankly don’t care if Nat made the whole damn thing up. She’s still my fav.

[Why do my ANTM recaps get so damn long? I just have to have an opinion on everything, don’t I? I hate me sometimes. I think I’m so cool.]

Tyramail! Sorry, girls, you’re history.

Nat wakes up with a fever, sore throat and stuffy nose. She’s very scared that it’s going to affect her photos, but I think she’s gonna pull a Danielle and rally her energy for the shoot.

The girls are each assigned an Australian legend to act out in story. And dance. Dionne is all, “I just hope they don’t make us dance. I’ll be damned! We have to dance!”

Jaslene is the red-breasted robin. She says that these are not moves that she’ll be taking home with her, and she hopes that what “happens there, stays there.” Way to respect a different culture, Draglene. Jay calls her beautiful and graceful.

Dionne does a food-gathering dance. Which is kind of ironic for a model, no? Jay warns her, “No scowling!” He also says that she has a “beautiful spirit,” so it’s “frustrating” to see her suck continuously.

Nat is the wiggly-wag-tail bird. Jay says she “looks miserable” and he never would have expected her to “fall this flat.” And I must say, I’m surprised, too. I mean, I know the flu can pulverize your will to live, but I would have thought she would rock it just to spite the other girls.

Renee does the flight of the butterfly. And she is “glorious.” Yuck.

Tyramail! Eliminations!

Dionne needs to find a happy medium between scowling and smiling. She also still needs too much coaching. As part of the judging, the girls must evaluate each other and choose the girls with the most and least potential. For the most, she picks Jaslene. For the least, she picks Nat because there’s “something missing” from her personality.

The judges would like to see something different from Jaslene’s photos. She picks herself as having the most potential because she wants this “heart, soul and spirit.” The thinks Nat has the least because she’s “phony.”

Renee’s photo is “strong and evocative.” She, too, picks herself for most potential because she wants “to take [her] family places.” Yeah, I’m sure they wanna tag along after you as you globetrot. That’s a stable lifestyle for your toddler. And she also picks Nat as having the least potential because she “plays games” and is “fake” and “lacking.”

Damn! That’s so harsh! And also? They are judging her potential solely based on her personality, which is completely subjective, and not on her appearance or performance at all. And I’m really disappointed that none of the judges called them on it. I thought I was watching a modeling contest!

Nat’s photos are awkward and she didn’t connect with the camera. She pulls out the “had a fever” excuse, and the other three roll their eyes behind her. She says that she believes she has the most potential because she has the features that are popular now in the fashion world. She also thanks the other girls for their critique. And I don’t care if it is completely contrived, that’s damn classy.

Twiggy is shocked that this warm and likable person before them is so universally disliked by the other girls and wonders if it’s jealousy. YA THINK??? They ask her how it feels to hear the other girls say that about her, and she says she knows they talk about her, but it’s better than not being noticed. Nice spin, Nat. Well played.

HEY! She didn’t get to say who she thought had the least potential! No fair!

In the holding pen, Draglene rags on Nat for being fake, and it’s not because she’s jealous. Renee smirks. You know, I really expected better from Jaslene. Renee’s negative energy is infectuous.

In deliberations, the judges say that Dionne is the weakest, and they’re disappointed that she didn’t mention herself as having the most potential. Um, just a thought, but maybe she was being gracious? Tyra wouldn’t recognize gracious if it poured beer in her weave.

Draglene always gives the same look, and they’re concerned that ANTM is her life and she’ll break down if she doesn’t win.

Renee is “not the youngest, freshest face.” HA! Love you, Nigel! They also mention how funny it is that Tyra saw all the other girls gang up on Renee and few weeks ago, and now it’s Nat that they hate. Sometimes I hate my gender.

Nat’s shoot was a disaster.

Renee and Jaslene get their photos. Dionne and Natasha are in the Bottom Two.

Tyra points out that Dionne didn’t name herself as having the most potential, and if she doesn’t believe in herself, how can others believe in her? Personally, I believe the children are our future. There’s also something about a “rocky path.”

Nat has showed continuous improvement until this week. Tyra is surprised that all the other girls think she has the least potential, and since the judges don’t live in the house with them, sometimes they have to rely on the opinions of the other girls. Renee can barely control her laughter.

Then Tyra goes, “But we think they’re just jealous,” and hands Nat her photo. HA! Tyra pulls a total fake-out! Awesome! In yer face, Nay-Nay!

Draglene looks totally disgusted. Nat moves to hug Dionne, who won’t even look at her, let alone hug her back. Rude! But after Dionne gets her pep talk and hug from Tyra, she hugs all three girls.

Dionne cries while packing and says she’s gonna miss getting up early and getting her make-up done. She doesn’t mention missing any of the other girls.

Next episode, the girls film a “My Life as a Cover Girl” commercial, and the Final Two have a fashion show-down. Oooh, it’s the two-hour finale! I’m going to have to watch it on TiVo at Billi’s with her or something because I’m going out with New Girl tonight.

[Edit: Hmm. I was led to believe that tonight is the two-hour season finale, but reading the t.v. listings, I'm confused. The episode title is "The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model," but the description reads:

The final three must utilize everything they have learned in the competition for a commercial and a national print ad of CoverGirl. One model struggles to look youthful in her shot while another needs coaching from Jay to say her lines naturally. The judges send one model home.

If only one model is sent home, that leaves us with two (doing math in my head!), and no one becomes America's Next Top Model.

So confused. If I miss something because the t.v. execs can't get this shit together, I'm going to hold my breath until I pass out.

And here's my review of the t.v. listing: I think it's pretty clear which one looks like an ancient hag in her photos, but which one of the other two English-is-my-second-language contestants can't say their lines?]

Posted at 11:42 PM | Comments (3)

May 11, 2007

A Joy to Behold

There are many things that you will never, ever hear me say:

“Mmmm, that vegan meal was delicious!”

“I just don’t feel right unless I jog five miles every morning.”

“But Bruce, we can’t – I’m married!”

Also on that list for many, many years: “I have to get home and finish the yard work that I started this morning.”

Yard. Work. Two words I’m happy to use on a regular basis. But never together.

Until this week.

To justify my early retirement, I’ve been trying to do as much around the house as humanly possible to make Husband’s life easier. My plan is that he will soon get used to home cooked meals and a spotless house and only wearing his underwear for one day before washing it, and he’ll beg me never to go back to work.

Traditionally, anything that fell outside the house walls –- i.e. the cars, the yard, the big money –- was his responsibility. I don’t shovel. I don’t pick up poop. I don’t get the oil changed. I don’t plant flowers.

But let’s face it -– there’s only so much I can dust before there just isn’t any dust left. I’m telling you, you could perform surgery in my kitchen. I served punch out of my toilet at the cast party last weekend.

So yesterday, I took a good look at the front of our house… and promptly died of shame.

When I came back to life, I thought, My God, that crap under our tree is totally overgrown. It’s starting to take over our driveway. And the neighbors’ driveway. And I’m pretty sure that fern has been extinct for 400 billion years. Yeah, that’s all gonna have to go.

It’s pretty sad when you look homeless while actually standing in front of your house. So I put on my gloves, got a broom and that clipper thingy, opened an official “Yard Waste” bag and started at it.

And people, I have discovered N*I*R*V*A*N*A!!! I can’t even explain what fulfillment yard work has brought me! I love it! I want to write bad poetry about it! I want to ride past its house on my bike twenty times a day! I want to marry it!

I can work for a scant half an hour, and then stand back and survey the clean edges, the lack of dead brown stuff, and the patio! Did we always have a patio?

My inner Obsessive/Compulsive is so, so gratified by yard work. It’s so much different than housework. See, I can clean the whole house, and by the next morning, there’s sticky stuff on the counter and dog hair tumbleweeds in the corners and water spots on the bathroom mirror.

But clean up the yard… and it’s paradise! The weeds will take at least a couple weeks to grow back. There won’t be leaves falling for months! I can make it lovely, and it will STAY lovely for days and days and days! A joy to behold all summer!

There’s also the added benefit of a good work-out. One of the dozens of reasons I hate exercising is that I always feel like I could be doing something else much more immediately rewarding, like bidding on eBay or baking cookies. But with yard work, I get stuff done AND get to suffer for it physically! It’s nature’s most perfect activity!

Of course, I’m still not going to plant stuff. That’s Husband’s job. Plants commit suicide in my presence. But if I’m only touching stuff that’s already dead or that I want to be dead, I’m golden! I can use my powers for good instead of evil!

Wow. I guess that’s another thing I never thought I’d hear myself say.

Posted at 01:47 PM | Comments (4)

May 09, 2007

"The Girl Who Blames the Taxi Driver"

Previously on “America’s Next Top Model” – stuff. Renee, Jaslene, Dionne, Natasha and Britney remain.

Renee interviews that it’s “strange without Jael.” Wait a minute. Didn’t she hate Jael? Does she think that Jesus doesn't know she's lying?

She also says that “Britney used her short-term memory as a crutch in panel.” As an example, she cites their acting class, in which Britney memorized an entire monologue. You know, I hadn’t even thought of that. Okay, my sympathy for Britney is gone. Now she’s just a whiney brat.

Tyramail! Time for go-sees.

The girls will be judged on three criteria: personality, portfolio and runway. And they must get back to Priscilla’s by 4:30, or they’re disqualified. Criterium? Criterii?

Jaslene says that she’s going to be “calm, cool and collective.” So… resistance is futile, apparently.

Britney gets lost. HA!

Dionne asks to keep a swimsuit that one designer has her model, and they let her. Oh my God. That is so rude. She interviews that she’s “having fun,” but that’s because she has no manners and keeps asking to keep the stuff that she models. Holy shit. That’s gonna cost her later.

Renee knows that one of the designers just had a baby, so she sneaks some photos of her son into her portfolio. Cuz, you know, that’s entirely professional. And not at all manipulative.

Britney thinks that “professional” means “stoic,” so she doesn’t talk with the designers at all. That cricket noise is never a good sign.

Meanwhile, Dionne asks a designer for the shoes she’s modeling and gets only stunned silence in return. Frankly, I can’t believe that’s the first time she got that reaction.

Natasha is very sexual and flirtatious. She hugs one of the designers good-bye, and one gets the distinct impression that that’s not kosher.

Renee is the first one back to Priscilla’s, and then she dedicates her promptness to her son, whom she'd do anything for, even suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and fame.

Britney’s cab deserts her, only we find out – through the magic of film – that she never actually asked him to wait for her. D'oh!

Jaslene collectively gets back at 4:29, followed closely by Dionne.

Natasha returns a minute late and is asked to wait outside, which she does. Quietly. She interviews that if she hadn’t been late, she totally would have won.

Britney, on the other hand, arrives late and immediately starts crying and swearing in a loud voice easily heard by everyone inside, including Priscilla herself. Awk-waaaaaaaaard! She yells at Natasha for some imagined offense, and Nat just laughs. Awesome.

Inside, above the din, Renee, Jaslene and Dionne hear their feedback from the various designers. Renee was great in person but photographs “too hard.” Dionne has a great personality but bad posture. Much to my chagrin, the pilfered clothing isn't even mentioned.

Jaslene wins! And she’s so excited because this is the first challenge she has won. As a prize, she gets a photo shoot on the huge bridge in Sydney (I can’t be bothered to look it up), to beef up her portfolio, and gets to bring a friend. She chooses Dionne, as the only other choice is Renee, and even Jaslene isn’t that stupid.

As the three girls exit Priscilla’s, Natasha asks, “Can I hug the winner?” Now that’s a good sport. And good lesbian sport. Britney, on the other hand, immediately restarts her tirade about unfairness and blah blah blah and nobody cares.

Jaslene and Dionne climb to the top of the 440-foot bridge to find that Nigel is their photographer. Does he get paid extra for that, I wonder?

Tyramail! Something about Mars vs. Venus and rocket or rock it and future and planet. I don’t know what the fuck she’s talking about. Somehow the girls surmise that Tyra will be their photographer, so I must’ve dozed off or something.

The girls have to be on the beach at 5:30 a.m. for their shoot. Jay picks them up, and really, I don’t think I could deal with him at that hour. They will be taking two photos – one for a women’s magazine, and one for a men’s magazine. Both on a beach in a bikini.

Huh. Tyra IS one of the photographers. She’ll be taking the women’s mag photos. Tyra is in full-on piratey garb with skull and crossbones on her hoodie and a head scarf. It’s like she’s screaming for my attention. Tyra, honey, all you have to do is give me that hoodie, and we are BFFs for life. Pinkie swear!

The girls all have to get temporary extensions, and Britney starts in again with the hair angst. Jesus, enough already! At one time, I was rooting for her to win, but she is no longer worthy of my adoration. Now I want a girl with a thick foreign accent to represent America in the modeling world.

The girls pose with some male models on a beach. Britney’s eyes are “spellbinding.” Dionne looks mean and needs too much direction.

In the beginning, Tyra can’t pick up on Jaslene’s “vibe,” and Jas can’t connect with her guy. But after Tyra berates her a bit, she becomes “magical.”

Renee has to get into the cold water, but she doesn’t dare bitch about it, and she brings her “natural thing.” Which I guess is a euphemism for “didn’t shave.”

Natasha’s lip-pooching and lack of neck are a problem. She’s like a parody of sexy sometimes. Kinda reminds me of The Girl Child imitating ANTM.

Michael Omm is shooting the photos for the men’s mag. And I don’t even know why I bothered telling you that because none of us knows who he is.

Jaslene is “ready” and “hott!” Dionne bores us by looking mean instead of sexy.

Renee tells us, “I know I’m good at sexy.” *sigh* What’s Wenchie’s Golden Rule, boys and girls?

If you have to tell us, then you aren’t.

Crimeny.

Britney gives “sexual.” Which was the point, soooo…? Why even mention it?

As Nat comes onto the set, Jay warns the world that “she might give us porn star.” Oh, if only.

Tyramail! Eliminations are eminent!

Jaslene wants to see Renee go home because “she looks old.” HA!

Tyra is wearing false eyelashes to judging. In truth, she probably wears them to the grocery store, but I’ve only started noticing false eyelashes. Since wearing them for the show, I’m IN LOVE with them and want to wear them all the time. I’ll post some photos soon. Anyhoo, I like to think that Tyra’s wearing them as an homage to moi.

Priscilla says of Britney that “people don’t like…” and then I wrote something that looks like “the taters,” but I know that’s not it. What the hell does that say? Anyhoo, no one wanted to book her on the go-sees, and that’s really freakin’ pathetic. In the men’s shot, she’s hott with strong eyes, and the camera loves her. Her women’s shot works, but the guy outshines her. D’oh!

As a passive-aggressive dis to Brit, Natasha is praised for being a good sport about being disqualified from the challenge. The men’s shot is where her huge lips really work out well. She came to the women’s shoot with much confidence, and Tyra loved working with her, but her shoulders are too tense, and as a result, she has “turtle-neck.”

Jaslene won the challenge. Again – YAY! In the men’s shot, she has great eye contact with the camera. In the women’s shot, she has “great angles.”

This was not Dionne’s best shoot as she looks mean. Mean, mean, mean.

Twiggy loves Renee’s “come hither” look. Oh, don’t encourage her, Twiggy! In her women’s shot, she is graceful and “a different kind of sexy.” Like ugly-sexy?

Deliberations!

Natasha is “sexy without even trying.” She’s “the whole package” and really “wants it.”

Britney is “photogenic,” but her crappy personality “puts people off.”

Jaslene is “warm,” “lovely” and “versatile.”

Dionne is the weakest of the bunch and is even “going backwards.”

Renee is “great on screen” but “very commercial in person.” They think she’ll have a nice career as a catalogue model. HA!

The girls are called in the following order: Draglene, Natasha and Renee. Britney and Dionne are in the Bottom Two, so Jas won’t get her wish. Dionne gets to stay because “the clients see something special” in her, but she needs to soften her “strength.”

Britney needs to get the hell out and learn how to sell herself. On street corners. She interviews that she’s not usually emotional, and she doesn’t know what happened. Whatever.

Next episode, the girls embrace the aboriginal art of storytelling, and the Natasha gets sick, “the girls do some storytelling of their own.” Oh, the intrigue.

Posted at 12:12 PM | Comments (4)

May 08, 2007

Adam’s Barf Story, Part II: The Open Window

“So I was driving downtown," Adam continued. "And I TOTALLY felt like I was gonna barf. But then I felt like I just had to burp. So I burped but threw up in my mouth. While I was driving!”

“Oh my God!”

“I had to get off the expressway, so I was, like, holding my mouth shut with my fingers. But then I barfed again, and some it of started oozing through my fingers! And I could tell I wasn’t done, yet.”

“Gross!”

“But surprisingly, I only got one little dot on my shirt, and one on my pants and on the steering wheel. Which I thought was pretty good. Especially since I was on my way to a date.”

“Yeah, I guess it could’ve been worse...”

“Finally I found a place I could pull over, and I totally hurled my guts up. I mean, I seriously don’t think I ate that much! And I tend not to chew, so, like, everything was still mostly intact. It was like a casserole.”

“Well, guess what I’m not having for dinner tonight.”

“Exactly. So then I thought I was okay, and I started driving again. Besides, I didn’t have this guy’s cell phone number, so it’s not like I could call him up and make up a story about being sick or something.”

“You just threw up an entire casserole, and you’d have to make up a story about being sick?”

“Good point. But I was still nauseated, so I drove around looking for a place where I could just park my car, get out, sit on the curb and barf between my feet.”

“Classyyyyyyyyyyyyy.”

“Well, it was either that, or barf in my mouth again. But you know how Chicago streets are? Where there’s cars parked on both sides and hardly enough room for one car to drive down the middle? That’s what all of the streets were like in this neighborhood! I just wanted some quiet spot to barf, and I couldn’t even pull over! It was ridiculous! And it was a nice day, so everyone was out with their kids and walking their dogs and stuff.”

“Bwaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

“Normally, I get a good two-minute warning before I’m gonna barf, but this time, I swear to God, it was, like, instant! I barely had time to turn my head. Thank God my window was open. I just leaned out my window and barfed up another casserole! And it was all down the side of my car and everything!”

At this point in the conversation, I was laughing so hard I couldn’t even stand, and I had gone blind in one eye. I love other people’s misery. As does Gary Coleman. (Name that musical! Anyone?)

“So I had to stop my car in the middle of the street and open my door and just barf right there. And I’m a very violent barfer, so it was really loud, and people were, like, coming out of their houses to see what was going on.”

“Please… stop… can’t… breathe…”

“When I finished, I was so embarrassed, I just closed my door and drove away real fast. By the time I got to the restaurant, the spots on my shirt and my pants were dry, so I just flicked the little dried chunks off, and I looked okay.”

“Oh sweet Jesus. I pulled a muscle in my stomach from laughing. I hope you didn’t kiss the guy.”

“No, we just hugged. And I just had a sloppy joe to eat.”

“Wait, wait, wait. You ate a sloppy joe?! After puking up several casseroles?! Dude! Sloppy joe totally looks like barf! How could you eat that?!”

“Well, it seemed bland.”

“Sloppy joe seemed bland?! It has peppers! Dude! Who eats a sloppy joe after blowing chunks in their mouth?!”

“Well, I had to get that taste outta my mouth. Besides, sloppy joes come pre-chewed, so if I barfed again, it wouldn’t hurt coming out of my nose.”

Well, folks, it took me quite a while to recover physically from that bout of laughing. And it’ll take me even longer to ever eat a sloppy joe again, just because of the association. Or eggs. Or a casserole.

Food for thought: Did it ever occur to you that the bowl your mom gave you to barf into was the same bowl you all ate popcorn out of on Sunday nights? Weird.

Posted at 01:01 PM | Comments (6)

May 06, 2007

Adam’s Barf Story, Part I: Prelude to a Spew

I met Adam at Starbuck’s the other day for frappies and to build a MySpace (because we’re 13), and with obvious excitement, he asked me, “Did I tell you my latest barf story?”

And you would be right to assume from that statement that, indeed, Adam has many barf stories, and that verily, I have been privy to most or all of them. Happy times.

If you'll remember, Adam is one of the Thursday Dinner crew, son of Garrance and K, and as gay as Karaoke Show Tunes Night down in Boys Town.

[Author’s note: I am putting Adam’s story in quotes, although there is no way I can accurately recount the entire thing verbatim. I remember the key phrases distinctly, and the rest I will paraphrase with what I hope resemble Adam’s innate eloquence. Also, all names have been changed to protect the innocent. Except Adam's]

“Okay, so you know how I had a blind date Saturday afternoon?” Adam began. “Well, Friday night, I was over at the Smiths’ house. Sally’s parents love me because I play piano for them, and we all sing show tunes and drink martinis.”

“You are so gay.”

“I know. And you know how, when someone else keeps filling your glass, and you haven’t really finished the first one, it doesn’t seem like you’re drinking that much?”

“All too well.”

“Well, I think I had about three martinis. Which wasn’t good because all I’d had to eat that day was a bowl of cereal. So Mrs. Smith made me sleep over, which was totally embarrassing, but friends don’t let friends drive drunk, so whatever.”

“Where did you sleep?”

“In Sarah’s room because she was sleeping over at her boyfriend’s.”

“Mrs. Smith lets Sarah sleep at her boyfriend’s?!”

“Well, she’s like, twenty-three.”

“Oh yeah. I keep forgetting she’s not in high school.”

“AAAAAAAANyway, the next morning, Mrs. Smith made us all these omelettey things, only you don’t use a pan. You put eggs and then whatever toppings you want in a plastic baggy and drop it in boiling water.”

“Weird.”

“I know. But she had, like, all these ingredients you could use! Like bacon and cheese and mushrooms! It was like being on a cooking show or something. She also had ham on the bone!”

“Who has ham on the bone, like, just handy for breakfast?! I wanna sleep over there!”

“So I had my eggs and two big slices of ham. Oh wait, sidetrack. My brother always thinks I’m a freak because, if I drink too much, I don’t barf until the next day, and he just barfs before he goes to sleep.”

“I always wake up in the middle of the night to barf. I don’t think there’s any universal time for the binge-drinking barf. You’re not a freak.”

“Okay, but it’s part of my story. You see where this is going. I left Smiths’ and went to my parents’ house because I didn’t want to drive all the way home because I felt totally sick. So I laid down on the couch for a while.”

“Did you barf on your parents’ couch?!”

“No. It’s much better than that. Finally, I was like, ‘Okay, I just have to get this over with because I have a date in three hours.’ So I went to the bathroom and couldn’t decide whether I should try to barf or poo. I opted for poo because then I could always lean over to the sink if I had to barf.”

“That’s what I would have done.”

“Besides, barf is easier to clean up than poo.”

“I don’t understand the rationale behind that statement, but go on.”

“So I took a really huge dump and felt much better.”

“How nice for you.”

“Delightful. So I had an hour and half before I was supposed to meet this guy downtown for lunch, and since I was still in my clothes from the night before, I went home and changed. But then I felt like I was gonna barf again. So I went in the bathroom and tried to make myself throw up, but it didn’t work.”

“Husband can make himself throw up whenever he wants, and then he’s totally fine and ready to eat. It’s completely bizarre.”

Okay, this is totally triggering my gag reflex. I have to go. The rest of the story in a day or two, I promise.

Posted at 12:02 PM | Comments (1)

May 02, 2007

"The Girl Who Picks a Fight"

Previously, on "America's Next Top Model," ...well, as foretold by Lolly, the whole damn thing is previously because it's one of those annoying recap episodes.

Unlike my blog, which also recaps episodes but is not annoying in any way, shape or form.

Shut up, Uncle Twitchy.

(Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, get your adverbs here! Her name always makes me want to sing.)

Anyhoo. Model boot camp. Tyra picks TWO full-figured finalists... to make her look smaller. Renee is a bitch. There's a photo shoot with a political theme. Jay Manuel is annoyed.

Previously Unseen Footage: Some of the girls do a mock fashion show and judging and have fun. Some of the girls watch the whole thing with derision and won't deign to have fun.

At the first judging, Tyra is the most unsatisfied she has ever been with the photos. You disappointed Mama-Tyra! Hang your heads in shame!

Previously Unseen Footage: Jael puts on a brunette wig and annoys the entire house without even opening her mouth. Now that's talent! Renee calls her a "female Kramer."

Previously Unseen Footage: Renee switches rooms to get away from Jael, who wasn't done spreading her light upon Renee. Jael confronts Renee, who gives some lame excuse about needing sleep. Jael is upset that Renee didn't talk to her and give her a chance to mend her ways without fleeing. Which is a good point. Because Renee is a bitch. But she's been hurt!

The girls go to some high school for walking lessons and hootchie-mama prom dresses. Sarah's boobs are flagrantly on display, to the joy of all the teenaged boys present. Draglene sucks and goes all ghetto on the other girls when they talk about her behind her back.

Previously Unseen Footage: Tyra takes the girls on a picnic at a playground. Draglene corners poor Cassandra (remember her? me neither) and talks about how "real" she is and blah blah blah, while the other girls have a good time. Poor Cassandra!

Renee cries about not being around her baby, and the other girls are sick of it. Now granted, I can understand how she'd be distraught to be away from her son for weeks at a time. That would be gut-wrenching... were she an actual human being.

[start of soapbox]

But then she's all, "I'd give anything to be holding my son right now!" Well, no, bitch, you wouldn't. No one put a gun to your head and forced you to audition. There are no armed guards outside your house keeping you from going to him. Just quit! Quit the competition!

Ah, but you wouldn't "give anything," would you, Renee? You wouldn't give up your chance at being the ANTM winner, would you? No. So you're a bitch AND a liar.

And perhaps that's what's really making you cry, Renee? The knowledge that you're selfish and a terrible mother? Cry all you want, skank, but don't give us the "give anything" lie. We know better.

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhate.

[end of soapbox]

Previously Unseen Footage: Holy crap! Natasha gets her ear burned by the "professional" hair stylist doing her hair at the high school photo shoot. It looks really, really nasty. Damn! I would so go ballistic about someone burning me, but Natasha seems relatively calm.

Samantha gets sent home for not being a ho, which makes Tyra a complete hypocrite, but no big revelation there.

Previously Unseen Footage: Jael is some kind of hula-hoop champion or something. Seriously, she's ridiculously good. Perhaps her family didn't have a t.v. when she was growing up?

Jael and Britney both get weaves... that are eventually taken out. Jael's immediately and Britney's after much wailing and rending of garments. HA!

Brit cries about her weave, Whitney "gives her the deuces" (I have no idea what that means), and Renee is a bitch. Now, in Brit's defense, constant, unrelenting pain CAN be quite a nuisance. But I say that being a HUGE, whiney baby, so take it for what it's worth.

Ugh. It's the candy shoot. This shoot has such potential for being unbelievably sexy, and it just ended up... misshapen or something. It's just ugly.

Cassandra's hand goes numb from holding the ice cream. Seriously, like frostbite numb.

Previously Unseen Footage: She goes to the hospital, where they say, "Yup! It's frostbite alright!" And tell her to suck it up while it heals, which is apparently very painful.

And then we get Tyra ragging her out for not saying something about the ice cream. I'm sorry, but don't the girls get ragged out even more when they complain about something? Example: BRITNEY AND HER WEAVE, WHICH, WE FIND OUT LATER, IS ACTUALLY RIPPING HER HAIR FROM HER SCALP!!! Tyra drives me crazy.

Previously Unseen Footage: Natasha gets a horrible toothache, and we are treated to more dental surgery footage. Can't we go one season without a trip to the dentist? She has a cavity in her wisdom tooth, with has to be pulled. And here's the kicker: she gets it pulled WITHOUT NOVACAINE because she has reacted badly to it in the past.

Natasha is one tough bitch.

Then it's all the crap where Dionne yells at Renee for being all two-faced about Britney. Like how yesterday, Renee was talking smack about her, and today, they're besties. In Renee's defense, she's gotta take whatever friend she can get. But there's no defense for Britney. She's just being unwise.

There's also no defense for Dionne, who is just sticking her nose in other people's business. I mean, I can see why she would think Renee doesn't deserve to have any friends, but she'd be doing herself a favor by just forgetting about it. Other People's Business is exhausting.

Benny Ninja and the Lasers. Another great band name. Although Benny Ninja would probably sue you. As if Benny Ninja is his real name. *shudder* Even standing still and not contorting, the guy grosses me out.

Whitney wins the $40,000 diamond bracelet! Frankly, I'd much rather have a diamond bracelet than win Tyra's stupid little self-indulgent competition. Whitney's the real champion, in my book.

Then there's the crime scene victim photo shoot, where everyone does awesome.

Previously Unseen Footage: The bathroom is so horrifyingly disgusting, Natasha and Renee clean the whole thing. It takes them 2 hours. No one joins them.

That would totally be me, cleaning the bathroom and bitching loudly about the pigs in the house the entire time.

The feng shui of the clean bathroom helps Nat focus on the next shoot, and she totally rocks the Hip-Hop Guy thing. Awesome. I'm kind of in love her.

Previously Unseen Footage: Jael says to Renee, "You're a dumb bitch. None of us like you. Go in your room and cry." I'm not sure how this jibes with the Spreader of Light thing, but whatever. Perhaps she's spreading light to everyone who isn't Renee? I'm also not sure Renee is even in the room at the time, but I like to pretend she is. Pretend with me! It's fun!

At the Hollywood party, Jael behaves badly, but in the end, I can't even be mad at her for it. Every party needs That Crazy Drunk Chick. Jael is just filling a need.

Nicole Richie, as if she doesn't get enough publicity for being a complete waste of accessories, uses the opportunity to get some camera time by stirring up shit. She asks Renee who is the biggest bitch in the house (ironically), and Renee says that Jael is.

Then, Nicole finds Jael in the bathroom or something and tells her that Renee called her a bitch.

Back at the ranch, Jael confronts Renee about calling her a bitch, and Renee is all, "She just asked who was the craziest girl in the house! That's all!"

Riiiiiiiiiiight. Because "bitch" sounds just like "crazy." You know, I'm finding I have less and less respect for our friend Renee.

Previously Unseen Footage: During their acting lesson with that girl who no one knew, the girls imitate the judging panel. And I wish we could have seen more of this.

Renee and Dionne get visits from their families. Jael plays with their kids and is totally awesome. Seriously, she'd be the best aunt ever, even better than me. The mildly retarded are always so good at relating to children.

Remember when they had past ANTM contestants back for a photo shoot to recreate "famous" ANTM moments with the current contestants? Me neither, and it was only, like, two weeks ago.

Previously Unseen Footage: Bre tries to make-up with Kim for her blow-up, blaming stress and competition. Kim absolutely accepts her apology, but I still think Bre is feeling guilty or something because she doesn't seem to think Kim is sincere. Once a bitch, always a bitch, Bre.

Dionne and Kim are Teh Hottness in the limo.

The April interview crap.

Previously Unseen Footage: Renee makes up a word -- chook -- and has people imitate it. Apparently, it's some sort of chicken. Random.

The Cover Girl commercial they shoot totally sucks.

As a wrap-up, Tyra finds cute ways to describe the girls to make them all seem different:

Jaslene is "spicy."

Natasha has an "infectious smile."

Dionne is "sassy."

Britney is "photogenic." And really? They couldn't think of a better adjective? I mean, by definition of the show, shouldn't they ALL be photogenic?

Renee is "sexy." Says you, Tyra.

Tonight: The girls so on go-sees, and Britney has a meltdown. I'll bet Nat wins the go-sees. She's tenacious.

Posted at 08:01 AM | Comments (2)