May 22, 2007
"The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model"
Let me just say that this will be short because I don't think I've ever seen such a boring final episode of "America's Next Top Model."
The three finalists -- Renee, Draglene and Natasha -- will shoot a Cover Girl ad today, and the ANTM winner will have their ad run in magazines. The ad is for Trueshine Lip Color, and they'll also do one of those My Life as a Cover Girl spots.
Uh-oh. The girls will have to ad-lib their commercial and "bring their personality." Or mask it, as the case may be.
CariDee shows up to help coach the girls or something because it's in her contract. CARIDEE!!! She tells the girls, "I'm so glad I'm not you right now." HA! You gotta love her.
In some kind of cruel joke, Jay wants Natasha to incorporate the phrase "sheer, shiney shades" into her commercial. Then he tells her she sounds like she's reciting her grocery list and needs to add spontineity. While she's translatin Russian into broken English in her head.
Okay, here's Renee, "Aloha! After I had a baby, I thought my life was over." HA! First of all, Australia is a long way from Hawaii. Secondly, I don't think Haggard Mother is the image that Cover Girl is trying to sell. But after Jay called her on that, she did really well. Dammit.
Draglene is in the back of a limo, and Jay tells her he wants to see Cha-Cha, which is her Latino drag queen alter ego. So she throws in some Spanish. Kinda lame, but she looks fantastic.
Then it's Renee's turn to take her photo, and when the photographer asks who's next, she says, "THEE Cover Girl." Oh, get over yourself. Then someone voiceovers that she "looks too old to be starting out in the modeling industry." Hee!
And we're treated to another one of Renee's more Christian moments when she interviews, "I hope Natasha doesn't get to do the runway show because she walks like a pidgeon-toed duck with poop hanging out off her ass." How charming.
Judging!
Natasha has some trouble ad-libbing in her second language, but Jay encourages her that it's her "imperfections that are beautiful." Her face looks like she's questioning something, but her lips are PERFECT for selling lip color.
Draglene has too many pauses in her spoken commercial, but Jay loves the Spanish. Her photo is great, but she's nervous doing the commercial.
Renee really caught the excitement of her nautical surroundings doing the commercial, and her photo looks "healthy" and "outdoor." Probably because she's... outside? I'm just sayin'. Unfortunately, she photographs old, and it's speculated that the puffiness and wrinkling is sun damage. So much for "healthy outdoor," huh?
Deliberations!
Natasha is the "most beautiful" of the girls and a "quick study." She takes criticism and works on it. Tyra also says that she "touches my heart." Awwwwwwww.
Draglene's photo looks more Class of '07 than model. She does better when she's looking fierce, but not so well at commercial.
Renee has the "best photo" and "great energy," but she's "not the freshest face." They've "seen it before."
Draglene gets her photo, and Renee holds hands with Natasha. Huh. Any port in a storm, eh, Nay-Nay? Tyra calls Natasha's name, and Draglene's enormous jaw drops to the floor, registering a 6.5 on the Richter Scale. Nat hugs Renee.
Tyra tells Natasha that she works on her critiques, and that's why she's staying. Renee is seething. But then, in a bizarre twist, as she hugs the girls good-bye, she whispers to Natasha, "Win this for the mamas."
Ajeckamongahuh???
Nat and Drag go to a shoot for "Seventeen," and the ANTM winner will get her photo on the cover. Oooh, in an adorable pink hoodie! And bitchen ANTM brass knuckles!
Draglene interviews that she's "surprised that Natasha is here and not Renee. If she wins, I'll pull out all her hair." Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Drag used to be so cool, and now I officially hate her.
Oh God. The girls have to endure yet one more painful interview with Mama Tyra.
Tyra wants to know about Natasha's life in Russia. Nat says that she couldn't afford to go to university, so she moved to Moscow, where she often didn't have anything to eat. She says she'd represent America well as its next top model because America is a melting pot, and "I'm an American."
Tyra wants to know what was going on with Draglene between her elimination last season and the present. She says she started thinking about building her character and loving herself.
Jay is there on the final runway, which looks pretty damn rickety. The theme of the fashion show is the Evolution of Woman, so when they come out first, they have to look primitive and animalistic.
Nat is talking to Drag about how the runway looks difficult, and Drag is all, "I know Natasha has a strategy, so I'm not listening to her." Jesus, woman, she's just trying to make a little small talk! Lighten up!
Ohmigawd, their shoes are so cute. I wonder if they get to keep them.
The show itself is the most boring runway showdown they've ever had. I can't think of one damn thing to say about it. The clothes are boring, nothing dramatic happens. Yawn.
Final Elimination!
Drag started out weak but got stronger. Nat started out great, but then got lame by the end.
We see their CG photos side by side, and frankly, I don't like either of them.
Then the girls get to say their last words. Nat thanks them with "WE appreciate the opportunity." Classy to the end. I don't remember what Drag says.
Deliberations!
Natasha is "funny" and "a quick study" who has "great features" and a "great future."
Draglene is an "amazing editorial model" but "not commercial."
Tyra wants Natasha to win, Nigel wants Draglene. And they must be sleeping together because Draglene wins, and you know Tyra wouldn't give up her pick if she wasn't totally whipped.
Crap. She's mean. She sobs and Nat hugs her.
In her exit interview, Nat says that she "enjoyed every minute of it" and will be "glad to go home to [her] family."
I'm very disappointed, but I know I'll never be seeing Draglene again except in My Life As a Cover Girl commercials next season, so it's okay.
And thus ends this season of ANTM. We now return to our regularly scheduled vaginas.
Comments
damn. i was rooting for renee. no, i'm perfectly sane and am not on any form of drugs whatsoever. i guess i just like rooting for the underdog (remember lisa from that season with bre and kim? ..yeah)
anyway, i was kinda hoping natasha would win,you know, after the whole renee got cut thing. but of course, the person i root for NEVER wins. i mean god, its final three, either natasha or renee, how hard is it to have either two of the three win?
anyway, the final episode was totally dissapointing.
natasha's skirt came off, but it still doesn't make up for the fact that what had been the most exciting season ended in a pile of its on lame vomit
Posted by: ZYX at May 22, 2007 08:32 PM