May 15, 2007
"The Girl Who Does Not Want To Dance"
When I read the episode title, I was like, "Please, God, let Renee dance like Elaine on Seinfeld, and I will never scam a free lunch out of Marty again."
Previously on “America’s Next Top Model,” Brit-Brit threw a tantrum and went home. So there. Nyah. Dionne, Jaslene, Natasha and Renee remain.
Tyramail! Do you want this "heart, soul and spirit?" Huh? The girls can’t figure out what they’re going to be doing, and the rest of us don’t care. Moving on.
Renee is talking with someone about being in the Bottom Two, and how you know it’s bad when your photo comes up on the screen, and the judges are all quiet because they’re trying to figure out what exactly they don’t like about it. Hee! Like I've been telling you, crickets are bad.
Then we are treated to a delightful montage of everyone on the judging panel looking at a photo, and then giving the camera a whatchoo-talkin-bout-Willis look. It’s pure awesome. I want it as my screen-saver.
This next bit, I want as my ringtone. It’s Natasha, with her sexy Russian accent, talking on her cell phone to her husband, calling him “Baby, baby, baby,” over and over. It’s ridiculous, yet dirty. In fact, I’m pretty sure that the reason she has the phone resting on her pillow is because her hands are between her legs.
Renee says, “She’s weird.” Pot, meet kettle.
Natasha interviews that “the girls are all into my behavior,” and indeed, they do seem obsessed with her in a she-thinks-she’s-so-cool kind of way. Like when you can’t admit the real reason you hate someone, so you say stupid shit. She’s convinced they’re judging her because they’re jealous, and as nutty as she is, I don’t think she’s wrong.
Next, the girls are magically transported to the forest, where it’s cold and raining. Natasha is wearing wedge heels, probably because no one told them where they were going, and the girls are ragging on her for it. Like, who cares? Why are they so engrossed in her choice of footwear? It’s not like she asked them to carry her, for God’s sake.
They are greeted by Uncle Max and the White Handprint Players, who are going to tell a story through dance. Oooh, I hope it’s Lolita! I love that one. Afterwards, the girls will have to tell their own story.
Renee stupidly compares it to modeling, in a completely ass-kissing moment. I mean, we all know Tyra set up the challenge so we could see the girls humiliate themselves, but Renee’s all, “Modeling it just like storytelling, only we tell the designers’ stories through photos and runway.” No, I’m serious! She actually said that! Because making sure that Paris Hilton knows what Vera Wang wants her to buy for spring is sooooooooooo exactly like the centuries-old art of passing down a people’s history from generation to generation. GOD, I hate her.
The girls have fifteen minutes to prepare their story through “body art, movement and oral speech.” (As opposed to anal speech.) I wonder if Jaslene will be speaking as a collective?
Renee introduces herself as “Nay-nay,” probably because she thinks it sounds Aboriginal, and she’s all about making herself into whatever she thinks will sell, and masking her true, hate-able self.
Here’s Renee, “I was abused, and my feet are bloody, but then the blood went away, and I grew into a flower, and me and my sisters and mom grew tall and strong together, and there were tears, and now we are unified as one woman saying ‘No more’!”
I’m pretty sure she stole that from a Maya Angelou poem.
Jaslene is all broken English, “I was a young girl misled, but I found my true love dream, and now I live, love and laugh.” And she actually has to tell them when she’s done because they’ve all fallen asleep.
Dionne is upset that she has to dance while she tells the story. She also doesn’t feel that her past is relevant. And for once, she’s exactly right.
Natasha tells her story very quietly because she says that’s how you get people to really listen. And she does have a good point, but she takes it too far, and no one knows what the hell she’s talking about, so it’s just some crawling about with tree branches. Polite applause.
Renee says of her, “She’s a sweet girl, but she’s a few fries short of a Happy Meal.”
Some entertainment director from “Seventeen” is there to pick the winner. Yeah, because “Seventeen” is all about telling your story. And not at all about lip gloss and embarrassing period stories and how to get a boy to notice you.
Renee won, and I have to admit that she sucked the least. She picks Jaslene. Wait, wasn’t she hating on Jas a few episodes ago?
When they get home, there’s some guy waiting for them from Autore Pearls, and Renee wins her choice of jewelry, which is a HUGE pearl solitaire necklace with some diamonds and shit. [Uncle Twitchy, insert pearl necklace joke here.] Jaslene picks a bracelet. DAMN! That’s some serious bling. Hee! I said bling! Renee is terribly excited, probably because she can’t wait to go home and hock it.
Dionne is kicking herself for not taking the challenge more seriously. She’s burnt out and wants to have some fun. So they go out to a bar while Natasha stays home with the flu. Bummer. But this gives the girls the opportunity to rag about her and make us hate them all the more.
They all want Nat to go home. Dionne is all, “She’s got some lies floating around her.” And they all agree that her “story” has changed, and that it’s weird she never mentions her husband by name.
And seriously, if I had to live in a house with a bunch of 18-24 year old females for thirteen weeks, you can be sure as shit I wouldn’t be divulging details of my personal life. I frankly don’t care if Nat made the whole damn thing up. She’s still my fav.
[Why do my ANTM recaps get so damn long? I just have to have an opinion on everything, don’t I? I hate me sometimes. I think I’m so cool.]
Tyramail! Sorry, girls, you’re history.
Nat wakes up with a fever, sore throat and stuffy nose. She’s very scared that it’s going to affect her photos, but I think she’s gonna pull a Danielle and rally her energy for the shoot.
The girls are each assigned an Australian legend to act out in story. And dance. Dionne is all, “I just hope they don’t make us dance. I’ll be damned! We have to dance!”
Jaslene is the red-breasted robin. She says that these are not moves that she’ll be taking home with her, and she hopes that what “happens there, stays there.” Way to respect a different culture, Draglene. Jay calls her beautiful and graceful.
Dionne does a food-gathering dance. Which is kind of ironic for a model, no? Jay warns her, “No scowling!” He also says that she has a “beautiful spirit,” so it’s “frustrating” to see her suck continuously.
Nat is the wiggly-wag-tail bird. Jay says she “looks miserable” and he never would have expected her to “fall this flat.” And I must say, I’m surprised, too. I mean, I know the flu can pulverize your will to live, but I would have thought she would rock it just to spite the other girls.
Renee does the flight of the butterfly. And she is “glorious.” Yuck.
Tyramail! Eliminations!
Dionne needs to find a happy medium between scowling and smiling. She also still needs too much coaching. As part of the judging, the girls must evaluate each other and choose the girls with the most and least potential. For the most, she picks Jaslene. For the least, she picks Nat because there’s “something missing” from her personality.
The judges would like to see something different from Jaslene’s photos. She picks herself as having the most potential because she wants this “heart, soul and spirit.” The thinks Nat has the least because she’s “phony.”
Renee’s photo is “strong and evocative.” She, too, picks herself for most potential because she wants “to take [her] family places.” Yeah, I’m sure they wanna tag along after you as you globetrot. That’s a stable lifestyle for your toddler. And she also picks Nat as having the least potential because she “plays games” and is “fake” and “lacking.”
Damn! That’s so harsh! And also? They are judging her potential solely based on her personality, which is completely subjective, and not on her appearance or performance at all. And I’m really disappointed that none of the judges called them on it. I thought I was watching a modeling contest!
Nat’s photos are awkward and she didn’t connect with the camera. She pulls out the “had a fever” excuse, and the other three roll their eyes behind her. She says that she believes she has the most potential because she has the features that are popular now in the fashion world. She also thanks the other girls for their critique. And I don’t care if it is completely contrived, that’s damn classy.
Twiggy is shocked that this warm and likable person before them is so universally disliked by the other girls and wonders if it’s jealousy. YA THINK??? They ask her how it feels to hear the other girls say that about her, and she says she knows they talk about her, but it’s better than not being noticed. Nice spin, Nat. Well played.
HEY! She didn’t get to say who she thought had the least potential! No fair!
In the holding pen, Draglene rags on Nat for being fake, and it’s not because she’s jealous. Renee smirks. You know, I really expected better from Jaslene. Renee’s negative energy is infectuous.
In deliberations, the judges say that Dionne is the weakest, and they’re disappointed that she didn’t mention herself as having the most potential. Um, just a thought, but maybe she was being gracious? Tyra wouldn’t recognize gracious if it poured beer in her weave.
Draglene always gives the same look, and they’re concerned that ANTM is her life and she’ll break down if she doesn’t win.
Renee is “not the youngest, freshest face.” HA! Love you, Nigel! They also mention how funny it is that Tyra saw all the other girls gang up on Renee and few weeks ago, and now it’s Nat that they hate. Sometimes I hate my gender.
Nat’s shoot was a disaster.
Renee and Jaslene get their photos. Dionne and Natasha are in the Bottom Two.
Tyra points out that Dionne didn’t name herself as having the most potential, and if she doesn’t believe in herself, how can others believe in her? Personally, I believe the children are our future. There’s also something about a “rocky path.”
Nat has showed continuous improvement until this week. Tyra is surprised that all the other girls think she has the least potential, and since the judges don’t live in the house with them, sometimes they have to rely on the opinions of the other girls. Renee can barely control her laughter.
Then Tyra goes, “But we think they’re just jealous,” and hands Nat her photo. HA! Tyra pulls a total fake-out! Awesome! In yer face, Nay-Nay!
Draglene looks totally disgusted. Nat moves to hug Dionne, who won’t even look at her, let alone hug her back. Rude! But after Dionne gets her pep talk and hug from Tyra, she hugs all three girls.
Dionne cries while packing and says she’s gonna miss getting up early and getting her make-up done. She doesn’t mention missing any of the other girls.
Next episode, the girls film a “My Life as a Cover Girl” commercial, and the Final Two have a fashion show-down. Oooh, it’s the two-hour finale! I’m going to have to watch it on TiVo at Billi’s with her or something because I’m going out with New Girl tonight.
[Edit: Hmm. I was led to believe that tonight is the two-hour season finale, but reading the t.v. listings, I'm confused. The episode title is "The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model," but the description reads:
The final three must utilize everything they have learned in the competition for a commercial and a national print ad of CoverGirl. One model struggles to look youthful in her shot while another needs coaching from Jay to say her lines naturally. The judges send one model home.
If only one model is sent home, that leaves us with two (doing math in my head!), and no one becomes America's Next Top Model.
So confused. If I miss something because the t.v. execs can't get this shit together, I'm going to hold my breath until I pass out.
And here's my review of the t.v. listing: I think it's pretty clear which one looks like an ancient hag in her photos, but which one of the other two English-is-my-second-language contestants can't say their lines?]
Comments
Okay, I seriously thought Renee greased her thong when she heard Nat was staying, I LOVED it!
Posted by: Hope at May 16, 2007 11:49 AM
OK, I was scanning this, pretty quickly, and my eyes immediately locked on "pearl necklace". I scare myself sometimes.
Posted by: Marty at May 16, 2007 05:46 PM
love your site. but still, i wish you'd go easier on renee. Yeah, she's an extremely royal pain in the ass but she DOES make the show a hell of a lot more interesting. anyway, your recaps won't be nearly as cool if renee didn't contribute to it with her bitchly acts. she's on he top of my list for "people who i love to hate but am still rooting for". just thought i'd let you know.
Posted by: ZYX at May 16, 2007 07:34 PM