May 02, 2007
"The Girl Who Picks a Fight"
Previously, on "America's Next Top Model," ...well, as foretold by Lolly, the whole damn thing is previously because it's one of those annoying recap episodes.
Unlike my blog, which also recaps episodes but is not annoying in any way, shape or form.
Shut up, Uncle Twitchy.
(Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, get your adverbs here! Her name always makes me want to sing.)
Anyhoo. Model boot camp. Tyra picks TWO full-figured finalists... to make her look smaller. Renee is a bitch. There's a photo shoot with a political theme. Jay Manuel is annoyed.
Previously Unseen Footage: Some of the girls do a mock fashion show and judging and have fun. Some of the girls watch the whole thing with derision and won't deign to have fun.
At the first judging, Tyra is the most unsatisfied she has ever been with the photos. You disappointed Mama-Tyra! Hang your heads in shame!
Previously Unseen Footage: Jael puts on a brunette wig and annoys the entire house without even opening her mouth. Now that's talent! Renee calls her a "female Kramer."
Previously Unseen Footage: Renee switches rooms to get away from Jael, who wasn't done spreading her light upon Renee. Jael confronts Renee, who gives some lame excuse about needing sleep. Jael is upset that Renee didn't talk to her and give her a chance to mend her ways without fleeing. Which is a good point. Because Renee is a bitch. But she's been hurt!
The girls go to some high school for walking lessons and hootchie-mama prom dresses. Sarah's boobs are flagrantly on display, to the joy of all the teenaged boys present. Draglene sucks and goes all ghetto on the other girls when they talk about her behind her back.
Previously Unseen Footage: Tyra takes the girls on a picnic at a playground. Draglene corners poor Cassandra (remember her? me neither) and talks about how "real" she is and blah blah blah, while the other girls have a good time. Poor Cassandra!
Renee cries about not being around her baby, and the other girls are sick of it. Now granted, I can understand how she'd be distraught to be away from her son for weeks at a time. That would be gut-wrenching... were she an actual human being.
[start of soapbox]
But then she's all, "I'd give anything to be holding my son right now!" Well, no, bitch, you wouldn't. No one put a gun to your head and forced you to audition. There are no armed guards outside your house keeping you from going to him. Just quit! Quit the competition!
Ah, but you wouldn't "give anything," would you, Renee? You wouldn't give up your chance at being the ANTM winner, would you? No. So you're a bitch AND a liar.
And perhaps that's what's really making you cry, Renee? The knowledge that you're selfish and a terrible mother? Cry all you want, skank, but don't give us the "give anything" lie. We know better.
Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhate.
[end of soapbox]
Previously Unseen Footage: Holy crap! Natasha gets her ear burned by the "professional" hair stylist doing her hair at the high school photo shoot. It looks really, really nasty. Damn! I would so go ballistic about someone burning me, but Natasha seems relatively calm.
Samantha gets sent home for not being a ho, which makes Tyra a complete hypocrite, but no big revelation there.
Previously Unseen Footage: Jael is some kind of hula-hoop champion or something. Seriously, she's ridiculously good. Perhaps her family didn't have a t.v. when she was growing up?
Jael and Britney both get weaves... that are eventually taken out. Jael's immediately and Britney's after much wailing and rending of garments. HA!
Brit cries about her weave, Whitney "gives her the deuces" (I have no idea what that means), and Renee is a bitch. Now, in Brit's defense, constant, unrelenting pain CAN be quite a nuisance. But I say that being a HUGE, whiney baby, so take it for what it's worth.
Ugh. It's the candy shoot. This shoot has such potential for being unbelievably sexy, and it just ended up... misshapen or something. It's just ugly.
Cassandra's hand goes numb from holding the ice cream. Seriously, like frostbite numb.
Previously Unseen Footage: She goes to the hospital, where they say, "Yup! It's frostbite alright!" And tell her to suck it up while it heals, which is apparently very painful.
And then we get Tyra ragging her out for not saying something about the ice cream. I'm sorry, but don't the girls get ragged out even more when they complain about something? Example: BRITNEY AND HER WEAVE, WHICH, WE FIND OUT LATER, IS ACTUALLY RIPPING HER HAIR FROM HER SCALP!!! Tyra drives me crazy.
Previously Unseen Footage: Natasha gets a horrible toothache, and we are treated to more dental surgery footage. Can't we go one season without a trip to the dentist? She has a cavity in her wisdom tooth, with has to be pulled. And here's the kicker: she gets it pulled WITHOUT NOVACAINE because she has reacted badly to it in the past.
Natasha is one tough bitch.
Then it's all the crap where Dionne yells at Renee for being all two-faced about Britney. Like how yesterday, Renee was talking smack about her, and today, they're besties. In Renee's defense, she's gotta take whatever friend she can get. But there's no defense for Britney. She's just being unwise.
There's also no defense for Dionne, who is just sticking her nose in other people's business. I mean, I can see why she would think Renee doesn't deserve to have any friends, but she'd be doing herself a favor by just forgetting about it. Other People's Business is exhausting.
Benny Ninja and the Lasers. Another great band name. Although Benny Ninja would probably sue you. As if Benny Ninja is his real name. *shudder* Even standing still and not contorting, the guy grosses me out.
Whitney wins the $40,000 diamond bracelet! Frankly, I'd much rather have a diamond bracelet than win Tyra's stupid little self-indulgent competition. Whitney's the real champion, in my book.
Then there's the crime scene victim photo shoot, where everyone does awesome.
Previously Unseen Footage: The bathroom is so horrifyingly disgusting, Natasha and Renee clean the whole thing. It takes them 2 hours. No one joins them.
That would totally be me, cleaning the bathroom and bitching loudly about the pigs in the house the entire time.
The feng shui of the clean bathroom helps Nat focus on the next shoot, and she totally rocks the Hip-Hop Guy thing. Awesome. I'm kind of in love her.
Previously Unseen Footage: Jael says to Renee, "You're a dumb bitch. None of us like you. Go in your room and cry." I'm not sure how this jibes with the Spreader of Light thing, but whatever. Perhaps she's spreading light to everyone who isn't Renee? I'm also not sure Renee is even in the room at the time, but I like to pretend she is. Pretend with me! It's fun!
At the Hollywood party, Jael behaves badly, but in the end, I can't even be mad at her for it. Every party needs That Crazy Drunk Chick. Jael is just filling a need.
Nicole Richie, as if she doesn't get enough publicity for being a complete waste of accessories, uses the opportunity to get some camera time by stirring up shit. She asks Renee who is the biggest bitch in the house (ironically), and Renee says that Jael is.
Then, Nicole finds Jael in the bathroom or something and tells her that Renee called her a bitch.
Back at the ranch, Jael confronts Renee about calling her a bitch, and Renee is all, "She just asked who was the craziest girl in the house! That's all!"
Riiiiiiiiiiight. Because "bitch" sounds just like "crazy." You know, I'm finding I have less and less respect for our friend Renee.
Previously Unseen Footage: During their acting lesson with that girl who no one knew, the girls imitate the judging panel. And I wish we could have seen more of this.
Renee and Dionne get visits from their families. Jael plays with their kids and is totally awesome. Seriously, she'd be the best aunt ever, even better than me. The mildly retarded are always so good at relating to children.
Remember when they had past ANTM contestants back for a photo shoot to recreate "famous" ANTM moments with the current contestants? Me neither, and it was only, like, two weeks ago.
Previously Unseen Footage: Bre tries to make-up with Kim for her blow-up, blaming stress and competition. Kim absolutely accepts her apology, but I still think Bre is feeling guilty or something because she doesn't seem to think Kim is sincere. Once a bitch, always a bitch, Bre.
Dionne and Kim are Teh Hottness in the limo.
The April interview crap.
Previously Unseen Footage: Renee makes up a word -- chook -- and has people imitate it. Apparently, it's some sort of chicken. Random.
The Cover Girl commercial they shoot totally sucks.
As a wrap-up, Tyra finds cute ways to describe the girls to make them all seem different:
Jaslene is "spicy."
Natasha has an "infectious smile."
Dionne is "sassy."
Britney is "photogenic." And really? They couldn't think of a better adjective? I mean, by definition of the show, shouldn't they ALL be photogenic?
Renee is "sexy." Says you, Tyra.
Tonight: The girls so on go-sees, and Britney has a meltdown. I'll bet Nat wins the go-sees. She's tenacious.
Comments
I can't WAIT to watch Brit pry the skin from her face.
At first I didn't like Natasha either, I thought she was a bit too....stick up the butt-ish. But now I'm liking her because she's focused on what she's doing and rocking it.
Posted by: Hope at May 2, 2007 04:41 PM
I had to look up that adverb song. I'd never heard it before. great. now I'm gonna have that in my head all week...
Posted by: Lolly at May 2, 2007 08:56 PM