June 05, 2007
Bar Slut Logic
As you may have noticed, my internet went down on Memorial Day and stayed down for a week. Fucking terrorists!
Lucky for me, I know an I.T. guy who'd rather do anything than be at work, even if it means working for me for free, amidst the stench of Stella's recent sphinctorial events. (More on that later.)
I was quickly reunited (and it feels so good) with Heather via AOL I.M., and we lost no time in sinking to our usual ass-hattery.
Heather: WENCHIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Pirate Wench: SLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!
PW:Marty fixed my internet! and I have 1,000 emails to catch up on! and I have to blog!
H: DUDE! I've MISSED YOU! WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS!!!!!!
PW: I'm a selfish, selfish wench
H: SERIOUSLY!
PW: and I have to find time to take a shit cuz I'm dying and I've been at the computer for 2 hours.
H: ???? turtle!
PW: god, it's been HELL
H: I'm SURE!
H: you need to blog about hte new pirate tv show! and the third pirates movie!
H: have you been ok, other than your stupid internets?
PW: oh, yeah, I'm groovy
H: what was wrong with it, btw?
PW: no idea what was wrong. ask marty
PW: he told me, but all I heard was "blah blah blah"
H: hee.
H: also? the internet SUCKS without you.
PW: awwwwwwwwww. and you?
H: doing pretty well. nothing earth-shattering excpet for me and Heather's Husband spending two hours last night lingering around a dying kitten on the cornerr, waiting for the animal control to come get her... and both of us being too chicken to pick her up for fear of getting rabies or something, and feeling like HUGE pussies for that.
PW: a feral cat? fuck that. i wouldn't even poke it with a stick
H: yeah. we didn't know anything about it, but she was pretty fucked up and staggery and we didnt' want to just let it die there, on teh corner, where kids and doggies walk every day....
PW: good call
H: anyway. 2 hours before animal control came. 2 hours of staggering and explaining to people who walk past asking "is that your cat?"
PW: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
H: like, dudes. if it was my cat, she'd be in a box in the backseat of a taxi with me crying hysterically and Heather's Husband giving frantic directions. IDIOTS
PW: HA!
H: thank god you know what i'm talking about when I say "can't pick her up, I don't know where she's been" - Bar Slut Logic, really.
PW: Bar Slut Logic is appropriate for so many, many occassions
H: you would know!
PW: I never touch myself without wearing gloves because I KNOW where I've been!
H: hahahahahaHAAA!!!
H: to his credit, Heather's Husband totally called 311 to report the cat before i could even suggest it - I nudged her away from the street when she tried to walk to the curb... it was so heart warming for Heather's Husband, seeing my sensitive side.
PW: kicking the cat to the curb
H: ha! yeah, that sounds less nice than it was at the time.
PW: I can't believe we had that whole kitten conversation with no pussy jokes. we're losing our touch
H: oh, Heather's Husband and I had a bevvy of them, on teh way home...
PW: I should hope so!
H: there was this older woman, like...halfway through menopause, in jean shorts and puffy white gymshoes, who stopped, asked us what was wrong with 'our' cat, then started crying and actually moaning outloud as she walked away.
PW: oh for fuck's sake
H: as soon as she got out of earshot, I cracked him up with one word. "lesbian"
PW: HA! "vegan"
H: SERIOUSLY
PW: which reminds me -- I'm hungry.