July 31, 2007
White Trash Summer
You guys, the summer is two-thirds over, and I haven't been skinny dipping with even half of my hott friends. I've only had, like, three Lynchberg Lemonades. I'm a shitty, friend. I'm a shitty, sober friend.
I wish I could say I've been scuba-diving shipwrecks or following the Sasquach migration or something. But no. Where have I been? Door County and the Renaissance Faire. Could I be more white trash?
After I got meat-on-a-stick at the Ren Faire, I got this:
A henna tattoo. And why did I get a henna tattoo, branding me as a smelly hippie for the next two to three weeks? Because I had nowhere to go that evening, so I didn't want to get my face painted.
I now want to get henna supplies and a book and do my entire body. Seriously. I love this. I'm gonna write my name on Husband's ass while he sleeps. And maybe give Younger Step Daughter a moustache.
But more on the Ren Faire later.
So it's summer, and I'm so tired of my toe. Yes, the nail is still attached. But it's disgusting, and I swear, looking worse instead of better. The part that, apparently, absorbed the impact, in the nail bed, has grown out into view. It's a blood-colored ridge that runs across my entire nail.
And I'm so sick of wearing nail polish that's black or brown or eggplant. I want summer colors on my toes! So I threw away all decency and painted them lavender.
Pretty, no?
Lest you think that my summer has been all sunshine and deep-fried Milky Ways and lavishly decorated appendages, my summer has also been the internal struggle of not wanting that damn huge, metal dog cage in my kitchen, and not wanting to let the world's largest termite to run free in my home.
Look what that bitch Stella did to my wall.
Now, it could be that she's just as disgusted with the prior owners' decorating as I am. But more likely, she's just a retard who eats wallpaper. Oh, crap, it just occurred to me that there's probably lead in that 40 year old paint. The cycle of retardedness continues.
So what's more white trash than a henna tattoo, a dubious toenail and a partially-eaten home? Not much. Oh, my truck is starting to rust along the bottom, too. Perfect.
Comments
Holy Smokes! Get Setlla on Extreme Home Makeovers and she'll get Ty Pennington on the run with home demo!
Good doggie! sb
Posted by: Snippy Bitch at July 31, 2007 07:30 PM
Do you have sardines in the fridge in a can? This is a true sign of white trash! Garrance
Posted by: garrance at July 31, 2007 08:39 PM
First, I think you meant "homo demo," Snippy Bitch.
As for the sardines, Garrance, you should try the Portugese Sardines in Olive Oil at Trader Joe's. I buy four cans for Grandma every week.
Finally, Pirate, your toe makes me thing of barfing. I'll write up a barf story for you after my exam on Saturday.
Posted by: Kelly Garrett at July 31, 2007 11:05 PM
Good points Kelly G.
Good luck on your exam ...
Posted by: Snippy Bitch at August 2, 2007 10:08 PM