August 31, 2007
No Smoking
I have about two dozen blogs floating around my Draft pile that I started and lost interest because I'm just a -- hey, look! Something shiney!
Oh, nevermind. Just saw myself in the mirror out of the corner of my eye. Where was I? Oh, yes -- unfinished blogs. I wrote this one about March of '05, I believe, after a record number of days of complete cloud cover, when Nicholle and I were still working together at our previous place of employment...
Here comes the sun!
Doot 'n' doo-dooooooooo
Here comes the sun!
An' I say...
It's all right!
Little darlin', it's been a long, cold, lonely two weeks without the sun! But it's back! I had to wear sunglasses at lunch, lest I be hunched over and hissing like a sleestack! Pure! Awesome!
And thanks to global warming -- and my S.U.V. -- it's also over 50 degrees out! So Nicholle and I went on our first round-the-building walk in months.
As we got off the elevator and walked to our exit, I saw, through the huge windows, that there were three young men smoking just outside the door. Not a big deal, except for the many NO SMOKING signs posted within four feet of them.
I don't smoke. However, I don't lecture people on smoking. And I think Mayor Daley's new smoking ban IN BARS is kinda retarded. However. I don't like the smell, and the smoke irritates my eyes, especially now that I have contacts. Therefore, I don't go to bars, and if I see someone smoking, I keep my distance for the duration of their cigarette. I don't like cigarette smoke, so I make it my responsibility to stay away from it. Just like I don't like seafood, so I don't eat at Red Lobster. See how that works?
But what happens when you open the menu at Outback Steakhouse and see only salmon, squid and clams?
There are four entrances to our office building, one on each side. Two of these entrances -- exactly half -- are designated SMOKING areas, complete with shade trees, lovely landscaping, garbage cans, ashtrays and benches. They are much more inviting and picturesque than the NO SMOKING entrances, lemme tell ya.
But that's okay! I get what's going on! They want to lure the smokers away from the NO SMOKING areas, and I thank them. I don't enjoy having to walk through a cloud of smoke to start my day, so I always park by one of the NO SMOKING entrances.
So it really irked me to see three assholes puffing away less than four feet from where Nicholle and I were going to exit the building. There's plenty of room in the SMOKING areas! Why force me to walk through your stinky cloud? I just washed my hair with Pumpkin Pie shampoo, for God's sake!
As we neared the door, I expressed my irritation to Nicholle through eye-rolling, snorting and swearing.
"Are you gonna say something?" she asked apprehensively.
Well, sure, I always fantasize about saying something when I see people flicking their butts into the bushes when they should be putting them in the garbage recepticles provided solely for that purpose at the NO SMOKING entrances! But it never occurred to me that I could actually do it.
But I could actually do it. Any why not? Why shouldn't I? It's certainly not rude to point out other peoples' rudeness. Husband gets mortified when I tell people in movie theatres that their crying baby is disturbing everyone around them. But how is that rude? IT'S TOTALLY NOT! If you spit on my shoe, and I go "Ew!" I'M NOT BEING RUDE!
The other obvious fact is that they're going to call me a stupid bitch the minute I'm outta earshot, but do I care? Why would I? If stupid assholes think I'm a stupid bitch, I think that pretty much cancels out the whole insult.
The final possibility is that they might get mad and, since their cigarettes are laced with PCP, go totally insane on our asses, biting off our ears and whatnot. But how likely is that? God, do they even make PCP anymore? I'm so not up with the cool drugs.
So we go through the door, and I'm totally geared up to say something. Something silly, though, not bitchy. There's no need to be obnoxious right outta the gate, blah blah blah, flies and honey.
I said, "Hey, is that a NO SMOKING sign right there? Well, I'll be!"
Deer. In. The. Headlights.
For about two seconds, which seemed like two minutes, they just stared at me.
Finally, one of them broke the curse and said, "Oh, is that what that says?"
Meanwhile, I notice that Nicholle is walking about six feet behind me. And as she was not wearing a burka at the time, I have to assume that she thought they were going to kick my ass and did NOT have my back. Or she just didn't want to be associated with the crazy lady.
And at first I was hurt, cuz, I mean, I'd totally have her back. But then I realized that she had to have some distance between her and her victims if she was going to get a good spin on her ninja throwing stars.
So, um, yeah. Never finished it. And I don't remember exactly how it ended, but there was no fight, so I'm assuming it ended with Nicholle being mortified and me being called a stupid bitch behind my back. So pretty much like every other day.
And then I found five dollars.
Comments
Continuing my story from Mission Supper ... that asshole Tony didn't arrive at 9:00 Friday morning to finish my tiling. I had to call and wake him up at 11:00 and he thought that was OK.
And then I found $5.
Posted by: Snippy Bitch at September 1, 2007 06:39 AM