August 02, 2007
WHAM!
*sigh* I did it again, people. I was forced to open a can of whup-ass at the movie theatre. I almost got the can taken away, too, because the Flashlight Monkey thought I had brought my own food in.
Billi and I went to see "The Simpsons." To the left of us, teenaged boys. Behind us, toddlers. In front of us, teenaged girls. It was the original Axis of Evil.
During the opening pre-credits bit, the girls started taking photos of themselves with their camera-phones. "This is us at the movies! Don't my bangs look awesome? Tiffany, your lip gloss looks soooooooooooo shiney from the flash!"
Dear God, save us all from teenaged girls who can't get enough of themselves.
What are they gonna do? Look back on those pictures when they're 80 and be like, "Remember that day? That was right after I bought those jeans that make my butt look so good, and right before Amber and Jason broke up. Ahhhhhh, those were special days."
After the third photo, when it was clear that, ONCE AGAIN, I was going to have to be The Bitch, I leaned over and said loudly, "I hope you're not going to do that through the whole movie because it's really fucking rude."
So they all clicked their tongues at me and rolled their eyes. And stopped.
The people around me were, of course, grateful. But it really irritates me that I'm the only one who ever says anything. That's the whole point of Society, people! To shame everyone into line with our judgements!
Throughout the movie, there was, of course, the usual texting and tittering and leaving the theatre a million times, probably to go take photos of themselves with the life-sized Simpsons statues in the lobby. Fine, whatever. I'm not gonna freak-out at every little infraction.
(YET. But the day is coming...)
But their talking eventually got really loud. They were totally using their Outside Voices.
Let me point out here, by way of comparison, that the toddler had only spoken once, and the teenaged boys had done nothing but laugh quietly at the appropriate times.
Ladies, when I prefer the company of toddlers and a teenaged boys to yours, you have ceased to be human. You are now Supernatural Creatures of Fathomless Doom, spreading darkness and obliterating hope wherever Daddy's on-board G.P.S. takes you.
Tired of their high-pitched, skull-withering voices, I leaned over to the girls and said, very loudly, "Oh my God, will you. SHUT. UP."
And they were all, "What? God! I'm so sure." And then they shut the fuck up. Which is good because I still had a half a bag of popcorn left, and it might have slipped out of my buttered fingers.
Again, the people around me nodded their solidarity, including the teenaged boys. I'm pretty sure one of them was Jason who, at that moment, realized just how annoying Amber really is.
As soon as the movie was over, the girls wisely sprinted out of there. Although I was kind of disappointed. I always have a speech prepared in case one of the little miscreants stays to confront me.
I end with this plea, my darlings: As society gets ruder and ruder, we have to take a stand. We have to stop standing idly by in the face of rudeness, just because we're too embarassed to say anything. Why should we be embarassed? We're better than them!
I know it's hard to retain your dignity when everyone else around you is chewing the furniture and peeing on the carpets. It's easy to think, "Well, everyone else is being an asshole. If I'm not an asshole, I'm going to get trampled."
Don't become an asshole, people. Speak up!
Join W.H.A.M.: Wenchie's Hellbent Advocacy for Manners. Stand with me, and together, we can turn these cretins around!
Comments
I am so with you! Would you believe that the waitress at Chile's (yes, I know I was inviting confrontation by eating at Chile's) brought out an actual knife with my hamburger and wanted to stand over me as I cut the burger in half to make sure it was cooked to my liking? I was stunned! Did she have so little faith in her chef that she expected to serve me a culinary abomination? I flat out refused and told her that if Chile's can't produce an acceptable hamburger that they should consider closing. I've never been so offended in my life!
Posted by: Kelly Garrett at August 2, 2007 01:49 PM
I'm totally with you, Wenchie. I can be that Bitch.
Posted by: Mickey at August 2, 2007 02:21 PM
Posted by: CE at August 2, 2007 03:39 PM
That's why I like going to the movies with you. That way, if one of the miscreants are carrying a knife and gets pissed off, you'll be the one to get shanked and not me.
What? I have a family to consider, here...
Posted by: Marty at August 2, 2007 03:40 PM
OMG...I had the same experience with jh girls last week when I saw Hairspray. They were chatting the whole time. I kept thinking to myslef I would say something if they were still talking when the movie started. So they continued to talk and I said..."YOU CAN SHUT UP ANYTIME NOW, THANKS!" Then, I kid you not, the was applaus and a little laughter (mostly by me).
Have a nice day!
Posted by: Adam at August 2, 2007 04:16 PM
I'll join, but only if our theme song is "Jitterbug" and we get to wear cool "CHOOSE LIFE" T-shirts. Let me know where to send my dues.
TG
Posted by: Tommy at August 2, 2007 07:26 PM
I was at a community theatre musical and the couple in front of me kept talking about how bad the set was, how horrible the costumes, and how off key the singing was. I held my tongue until they started criticizing the singing. I leaned forward and said "If you can sing better than those people then audition for the next show. Otherwise show some respect for the people on stage and shut up!"
My mother was with me and she was mortified. I, having done community theatre, was totally pissed off at those two theatre assholes.
At intermission my mom and I went out for air and the couple came up and apologized. I couldn't let it go entirely ... I thanked them for the apology and said "it takes guts to get up on stage, so give 'em a break!" Assholes. Go Wenchie!
Posted by: Snippy Bitch at August 2, 2007 10:02 PM
I'll glady join, but I have a problem being that assertive. Can you give lessons?
Posted by: Shannon at August 3, 2007 09:31 AM
A note from S.P.E.L. (Society for the Preservation of the English Language - ironic acronym, I know...): Cretins is spelled with an "i". Apparently, the ancient Greeks thought people from the island of Crete were the epitome of uncouth, unlettered barbarians, and thus is passed down the insult to us.
Posted by: Homidus Corax Celticus at August 3, 2007 10:57 AM
What's the post-movie spiel? Inquiring minds want to know.
-L.
Posted by: Lori at August 3, 2007 12:38 PM
My husband and I started a similar movement here in Vermont (so far we are the only two members!) and our motto is "Stupidity is not an excuse for lack of courtesy." People seem to have a complete lack of awareness of others around them, from movie theaters to gas stations to parking lots to restaurants. I've been appalled for too long--it's time to stand up for manners and shatter all those oblivious, selfish, stupidity bubbles!
Posted by: Numerica at August 3, 2007 04:29 PM