August 15, 2007
The Dress Code
What's more awkward than having to attend your husband's ex-wife's aunt's 92nd birthday and ending up sitting at the kiddie table?
Nothing.
Not one damn thing.
Oh, wait! Yes, there is! Showing up in pants and loafers (because Husband said it was FINE) when the size 2 ex-wife and your pocket-sized step daughters are all wearing black cocktail dresses and strappy sandals. And all have long, flowing hair.
WANTED. TO. DIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, how I wish I were willowy and petite and demure. Instead, I'm "statuesque" and "Rubenesque." Call it what you want, people -- I'm a friggin' amazon.
And even if I stopped eating solid food today, I'd never be petite. I've got the shoulders of a linebacker. I'm just big-boned! screams my inner-Cartman.
Oh, sure, small women have their insecurities, too. The darling Audrey Hepburn, it is said, used to bemoan her too-long neck.
"Oh, woe is me and my slender, graceful, gazelle-like neck!"
Yeah, BOO-FUCKING-HOO, Audrey, you goddamn adorable pixie!
Tonight, the 92nd birthday celebration continues with a dinner cruise on Lake Michigan. Starting at 7:00 p.m. Which means another late night because I'll be stuck on a boat, and my dream of turning into a mermaid has yet to come true.
Well, I don't want to be under-dressed again, so I emailed Ex and asked her about the dress code. She hasn't decided what she's wearing, yet. I'm sure it's hard to narrow it down from the forty things she must have in her closet because she's been the same damn size 2 since high school. But she said "dressy."
And we all know what "dressy" means, don't we, boys and girls? It means Wenchie has to go shopping because Wenchie thinks career clothes are yoga pants and t-shirts with a necklace, and holiday clothes are yoga pants and hoodies. "Dressy" is something that I've structured my life around carefully avoiding.
Not wanting to stick out like a nasty toe that has its nail coming off, I found a black, A-line skirt, which I will pair with my white, cashmere twinset and some black, wedge slip-ons. Can't go wrong with black and white, right?
Of course, this probably means The Petite Triplets will probably all wear pink, but whatever. Heather approves of my outfit, and that's what really matters. That and an open bar.
Heather my Personal Stylist made sure that I will not be embarassing myself.
H: what purse are you using?
PW: Oh, yeah, I guess I can't use my current aqua blue leather with brown strap, can I?
H: no. do you have a black one?
PW: I have my small, black Coach one!
H: perfect. now what about a splash of color?
PW: Hadn't even thought of that. Um, I have a silver necklace with a big, red stone? Or should I use my pink Coach purse instead?
H: black purse, big red stone
PW: Thank God for you, Heather.
But then Ex emailed me to say that the coordinator of the party, auntie's favorite nephew-in-law, will be wearing khakis and a polo, so she's wearing a casual summer skirt.
PEOPLE! I don't HAVE a "casual summer skirt!" For the love of God, I just get my shit together, and they change the dress code! What is this?!
Screw it. I'm sticking to my original plan. Better to be over-dressed than have to shop for a summer skirt when the only thing on the racks is fall clothes.
I'm so glad that I'm related to a bunch of slobs. These issues just don't come up when we gather with my family. Jeans are perfectly acceptable apparell to everything but weddings and funerals.
I have a cousin who thinks that the overalls-and-no-shirt look is okay to wear to someone's house for dinner. Think I'm kidding? Ask Billi.
Now, there's just one appearance-related decision to make. Do I shave my legs, or just continue to milk the shave job I did on Saturday?
Comments
If it were me, I'd milk it until the weekend . . . I mean, who's going to get that close? And if someone does, just kick'em. It's not like you're really related!
Posted by: Margy at August 15, 2007 11:55 AM
she already asked me, y'all. I can talk to her about color and accessories, but I also haven't shaved my legs since..er...hm..since June, so I don't get a vote...
Posted by: heather at August 15, 2007 01:44 PM
Dinner cruise? So we can look forward to the seasick barfing post tomorrow? Can't wait!!!
Posted by: Marty at August 15, 2007 02:03 PM
Definitely shave.
Posted by: Mickey at August 15, 2007 04:15 PM
That reminds me of the time I went to "levi's" type of gay bar wearing rubber pants and and a polyurethane vest. I felt special.
Posted by: Kelly Garrett at August 15, 2007 05:18 PM
I'm voting shave. You'll be self-conscious enough; you don't need the Amazon rain forest distracting you.
Posted by: Careswen at August 15, 2007 05:57 PM