September 20, 2007
"The Girls Go Cruisin'"
Strap in, people. It's Cycle 9 of "America's Next Top Model." God help us all.
To kick things off, we're treated to a totally fake montage of Tyra "calling" a bunch of semi-finalists, who scream and cry for the completely spontaneous camera that happens to be there to capture the moment. And Tyra's bit was filmed three months later in a hotel room, I'm sure of it.
So. The 33 semi-finalists are going to Caribbean. Because that's where bikini photos are taken. The girls are blindfolded and surprised by Cap'n "Miss J" Stubing, who ushers them onto a cruise ship. Like, duhhhhhhhh, how else did they think they were going to get to the Caribbean?
One black girl with a mowhawk goes, "I'm totally psyched 'cuz... I'm poor!"
And I don't think she really means that's she's psyched to be poor, but rather that she's psyched to be going on a cruise because she'd never be able to afford one otherwise. I'm assuming. You never know with these girls.
I love it when Miss J calls them "busted-up, broke-down models." It's so Valley-of-the-Dolls. Almost as much as I love it when he makes the girls walk a runway in front of a bunch of tourists, while wearing floatation devices, and then mocks their walks until they cry. I smell a spin-off. I would totally tune-in for a solid hour of just Miss J.
Enter Heather, my immediate favorite. And not just because it's the name I like to call out during orgasm. She's also hunchbacked, mildly autistic, socially awkward and has ADHD. Crack baby! PLEASE GOD, let her get into the house. And the final three.
It's Heather who utters the line, "I've always had trouble believing I was beautiful." Yeah? Well, join the fucking club of the rest of us, honey. Jesus, like poor self image is some rare affliction or something.
Still, she's pretty and nerdy -- just like the real Heather -- and her mild form of autism promises some awkwardness in the house, so she's my current favorite.
And then the nightmare begins. The nightmare where Tyra comes out dressed as a showgirl, complete with feathered headdress, and talks some stupid song she wrote for the show because she can't sing. As if we needed any more proof that she has no talent whatsoever. Love it.
Then begins the parade of interviews (where the candy is pain), where the girls have to appear in front of a panel of Tyra, Jay and Miss J, and are subjected to all sorts of weird shit.
The first girl is wearing a belt around her ribs and some sort of leg-warmer-type drapey things? I don't know. It's horrible.
Token California Blonde Bimbo informs the panel that modeling agents "love my heighth." Um... I don't think you need the extra H there, sweetheart. They hate her, as their faces plainly show. Or perhaps Tyra just farted.
Heather apparently has Aspergers Syndrome. If you click the link, you'll see that two of the symptoms are "dislikes changes in routine" and "lacks empathy." God, this is gonna be GREAT!
Saleisha apparently went to Tyra's TZONE Camp, so Tyra is expecting extra-lots from her. Saleisha wants to pose for Victoria's Secret and Sports Illustrated. Way to bolster her self esteem, TZONE! Yay!
One of the girls is a bikini-waxer by trade. Yuck. So Tyra, being the classy gal that she is, gets up on the panel table and assumes the position for a full waxing, which is apparently on all fours. The Js are horrified. I'm sure the mental image of Tyra's naked poontang is what turned them gay in the first place.
And then she says, "How could I not like a girl who gives me a simulated kitty-cat wax?" I don't even know where to go with that one.
Some girl gets sick. Seasick, I presume, but there's no barfing, so I don't know. Nor do I care. Moving on.
Ebony is the frontrunner for Black Girl Who Everyone Hates. And by this time, she just blurs together with all her bland forerunners. Except for Jade. Jade was truly unique in her bitchery. Ebony is going to make me miss her, I can tell.
First thing Tyra does is tell Ebony that all the other girls hate her, and to make her talk about her childhood so that she breaks down and cries. It's Tyra's specialty.
Some chick with a really heavy Boston accent tells the panel that she had a hemmorage in her right eye when she was born, so she wants to represent all the right-eye-hemmorage girls out there and let them know that they're still pretty. Or something.
Mowhawk girl cries while telling the panel about her awful childhood. With good reason, too, I mean, girl has been through some shit. But God gives her the strength to carry on, which she learned without even attending TZONE! I like this girl. She's sweet and doesn't use her bad childhood as an excuse to be a bitch. She's my second favorite.
Mila celebrates everything and thinks crying is a waste of time. Eek. The panel hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhates her. Plus, she's homely.
Then there's a montage of the girls singing and dancing, as the panel makes them humiliate themselves as performing monkeys.
Some faux-bad-ass says that, "Girls don't like me. They're scared of me. I party with guys." I'll bet her mother is so proud.
One girl thinks it would be a good icebreaker to pull an accordianed piece of paper out of her nose. Words fail the panel. The girl is too fat for a regular model and too thin for a plus-sized model. So, what -- she's about a six? An eight at most?
Oh, crickey. We're going to be treated to Jaslene's Life as a Cover Girl. Clearly, someone has been to Finishing School!
Some horse-faced girl screams and freaks-out for the panel, at their request. And then Tyra can't believe she did it and asks Jay, "What did you think of her."
Jay's all, "She's... I LOVE her!" Awesome.
Okay, with that torture behind us, the girls are taken to a beach for their first photo shoot.
Hey, Jaslene was on the cover of Latina maganize! She looks fabulous, she really does.
After looking at all the slutty bikini photos, the panel makes their first cut. There are 20 boarding passes clipped to some board. Those with passes go on to the next round. Those without are stranded on some island. Oh, if only.
No one I give a crap about is left behind.
Now the 20 girls left have to go around the room and tell Tyra why she needs to choose them. Extra points for crying! And thanking Jesus!
The thirteen girls picked are: Mila the homely girl who celebrates, Bianca who already hates Ebony, Jennifer, Chantal, Gabrielle...
Wait, what? Did they say Gabrielle? This is the first I'm hearing of a Gabrielle. Where did she come from?
Victoria of the horse-face, Sarah the "real-sized model," Saleisha, Kimberly, Ebony "The Original Mean Girl," Janet who doesn't even need a makeover, Heather and Lisa.
Dammit! No mohawk girl? What a rip-off!
Next week: the girls move into their new home and immediately turn it into a pig-sty; Heather can't fit in; Bianca and Lisa have been together all of ten minutes before they start fighting. Promising, indeed!
Comments
It's back. Yea!
Posted by: Shannon Erin at September 20, 2007 03:13 PM