September 28, 2007
"The Girls Go Green"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," 33 whores set sail, but only 13 were chosen as the most likely to make for dramatic television, including The Brains, The Ghetto and The Autistic. The dramatis trifecta, if you will.
The girls are in the L.A. fashion district with Jay, who is wearing a sparkly skull t-shirt. Clearly, he is jealous of the relationship Tyra and I have, so now he's starting up with the shout-outs to Wenchie. *sigh* It's all very tedious, really. Very well, Jay, you can play pirate, too.
Apparently, ANTM is "going green" because their ho-mobile this season is 100% biodiesel. Whatever that means. Tyra now fancies herself an earth mother, and her little chicks toddle in line right behind her. One of them is glad that it "keeps our earth good." Bra-VO, little chickie.
Enh? What's up with Jay saying tomorrow like tomoooooorrow? Where the hell is he from, anyway? I'm going to have to call Total Affectation on that one, Jay. Sorry!
The theme for this season's House o' Hos is "Tyra-Jaslene-Green." Hey, where are the other winners? Where's what's-her-name, the cute girl? And Danielle? God, Tyra is fickle.
Ebony is, apparently, trying to be "more reserved" so the other girls don't hate her. What?! What the hell kind of Oprah shit is that?! I wants me some bitchy, bitch!
Well, we're only 5 minutes in, and already someone has suggested skinny-dipping. Someone besides Husband, I mean. But I guess these dim bulbs think that skinny-dipping means fully-clothed. So bored. I'm going to flip through the Pottery Barn holiday catalogue.
Heather is alone all the time, and the other girls think that's weird. Personally, I find it refreshing. And I'd be doing the same thing. So F.U., other girls.
Oh, gag. I can already see where this whole season is headed. Tyra wants to make a difference in the world. The first shoot is an anti-smoking theme. The girls will take two photos: one photo smoking a cig; and one photo of the ravaging effects of smoking, which will be a composite looking-in-the-mirror thing.
There's disgusting stuff like tumors and cancer and bleeding from the mouth. Shouldn't this have been the Halloween episode? It's all very gruesome. Especially the one with the girl holding the dead baby. I think that's going over the top a bit, no?
Bianca and Lisa have randomly chosen to hate each for no reason. Well, thank GOD.
Bianca is all, "I'm ready to throw a cell phone at her."
HA! You know Tyra left that in there as a little fuck you to Naomi Campbell! That was brilliant.
In other news, Mila continues to be a vapid freak repressing her deep, dark, messy secrets and giggles her way through a photo shoot where she is made up to look like a chemo patient who has lost her hair. I'm starting to think she's waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more evil than Ebony.
In the holding tank, Bianca starts giving shit to Lisa about being an exotic dancer, and how Tyra would never pick a pole-dancer to be America's Next Top Model. Lisa gets all up in her grill (is that how the kids are saying it these days?), but neither throws a punch. They never do, do they?
Later, in the jacuzzi, the girls begrudgingly apologize to each other. Because water symbolizes rebirth and new beginnings.
Miss J comes in and blah-blah-blahs about styling issues and basic items and other buzzwords that are meant to justify his presence on the show.
(S)He announces that they're going shopping at Old Navy, and all the girls squeal like he just said Tiffany's. Jesus, where did they find these girls? I mean, I occasionally shop at Old Navy, but it's nothing to get excited about. Ladies, it's The Gap meets Walmart. Don't sell yourselves so cheap.
Oh, Christ, Benny Ninja is back. The girls get 10 min. to put together an outfit that will be judged by The Panel. Yeah, good luck with that.
Tyra Mail! The first elimination.
HA! They keep having to bleep Lisa.
Oh my God. I think we have a new House Bitch, people. Kimberly interviews that she's keeping her distance from Heather because people like that tend to get "clingy" if you're nice to them. Holy shit. I can't believe she just said that on national television.
Heather overhears the other girls talking about what a weirdo she is, and she gets all down and cries to her mom on the phone. Her mom is totally awesome, by the way, and after encouraging her, tells her to "be sweet to the other girls." I believe that's an ANTM first, ladies and gentlemen.
Panel time, contract with Elite Models, 6-page spread and cover of Seventeen, $100,000 Cover Girl contract.
No guest panelist this week, so it's just Tyra, Nigel, Twiggy and Miss J. And again I lament -- why is Jay not on the panel? What has he done to anger Tyra?
Chantal has way too many accessories, but they are blown away by her film. She just has to watch the "bedroom eyes."
Then there's some girl whose name I missed and they didn't have too much to say about her anyway.
Aubriel's earrings are too big.
Victoria has a nice, clean look and needs to work on her charm.
Lisa is saucy and cheeky.
Mila paegent-walks up to The Panel and Tyra has a stroke. Her photo looks like she was doing a sneaky-cheek fart, and they did NOT like the way she laughed through a shoot with such a serious subject. How can Tyra even see Mila from way up there on her horse?
Sarah... something about being able to see her inner monologue.
Bianca had dead eyes. Like her soul.
Janet... I don't know. Forgettable.
Ebony has "skinny, busted-up legs." Tyra asks her why she's been quiet and holding back, and she explains that she thinks her "confidence is misinterpreted," so she's trying to not be such a cunt. Is that always their excuse? Oh, I'm so confident that the other girls are jealous and see it wrongly as arrogance. I'm making a W at her with my fingers.
Kimberly needs to watch her hootchiness.
Heather is beautiful but has a shrinking demeanor.
Saleisha is confident. She's also the winner of Benny Ninja's Old Navy Outfit Challenge (The BNONOC, for short.) She threw on a sack dress and a cheap-ass necklace. Well-played, Saleisha. She wins a $1,000 Old Navy shopping spree and gets to shoot an ad for them.
The Panel deliberates: Chantal is too pretty, Janet is not a model, Mila is dead, Jenna need to go shopping, Kimberly is hootchie, Ebony has a dark side and couldn't handle the critique, Nigel loves Victoria, Heather is a dream to photograph (aren't they all?), Bianca is not a model.
Tyra announces that this season of ANTM is officially a No Smoking cycle. A couple girls look stricken. And I'm sure they'll pack on 10 lbs. each before the competition is over. HA!
All the girls get called except Ebony and Mila. Mila's going home, and thank goodness because not only is she retarded, but she's homely as hell.
Next week: Saleisha stands up to Bianca, and the girls get "the shock of their lives." So they'll have a photoshoot where they're electrocuted or something. I hope I can stay awake.
Comments
I'm so glad you do these recaps. I must have fallen asleep durring this last episode because I missed a lot of what you reported. even though I was easily distracted I did notice that Mila is in fact homely as hell.
Posted by: Lolly at September 29, 2007 04:33 PM
GODDAMN YOU! I thought we'd agreed to BURN those clown photos! !!!!!!
be sweet to the other girls, my ass!
Posted by: heather at October 1, 2007 09:25 AM