October 28, 2007
"The Girl Who Gets a Mango"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model:" jumping, skating, crying, Janet goes home.
"You wanna be on top?" asks Tyra. Oh, quit falling in love with me, you misguided minx. It could never work.
Ebony is tired of the criticism, i.e. Jay saying she's "dry" and "too serious." So she's going to smile and "come off like a nice person."
Notice, she's not going to BE a nice person, she's just hoping to "come off" as one. Well, it's nice to know she entertains no delusions.
Ambreal is on the phone with her Dad and asks him to pray for her. Dudes, when I'm on the phone with my Dad, I'm already praying because I'm sure that Mom is dead. That's how often I'm on the phone with my Dad.
Heather is upset because she didn't realize she was giving only profiles in her photos. Biance says something half-heartedly encouraging, which is much better than her usual approach of giving Heather a swirly while screaming "Rain Man!" in her face. Clearly, she's plotting to kill Heather.
Tyson Beckford shows up, and apparently he's some great big piece of Big Deal, but I'd never heard of him. Dude doesn't even have his own website, so how can he be a big deal! I'm a bigger deal than Tyson Beckford. And Jesus. I'm a bigger deal than Jesus.
Tyson tells the girls to "use your good looks to better the world." I just love how delusional models are. They are to choose an item from the kitchen and use sex to sell it.
Well, that's easy. I do it all the time! "Here are the dirty dishes you left in the sink. Wash them, or you'll never see me naked again."
But the girls try another approach and make gross innuendos towards Tyson using various foods and small appliances. This would be hot, if only any one of them had an ounce of true sexuality running through their veins.
Tyson manhandles Heather, and she keeps her shit together nicely. She's my hero. But Ambreal will be sleeping with rotting fruit beneath her pillow for weeks because "Tyson ate my mango."
Tyra Mail! Something about being recognized, not just for your face, but for your cause.
The girls will be split into three, 3-person teams to do a 30 second spot for "Keep a Child Alive."
Heather, Ambreal and Jenah are a team. They have no idea what to say and totally suck wad. They use cue cards and chant their lines like corpses.
Bianca, Lisa and Chantal are a team. They had a great idea but flubbed their lines and forgot the name of the charity.
Sal, Ebony and Sarah are all from Africa, apparently. They are totally going to win, so says I.
But I am wrong. The suckwads win. And they win five-fucking-hundred dollars worth of product from Carol's Daughter. I'm nauseated with jealousy. Unworthy bitches.
Heather's name is drawn out of a... half of a coconut? So she gets to do a photo shoot for Carol's Daughter directed by Mary J. Blige, who is obviously disappointed to get a white girl because she fake-tans Heather. Which really makes her look great, so I'm torn.
Both MJB and the photographer (who is another "world famous" guy I've never heard of) both interview that they see her going far in the modeling industry and would totally book her.
Tyra Mail! Something about recycling outfits, and the girls think they are going to be "wearing trash." And the joke is so obvious here, I'm not even going to take it.
The girls have pizza and chicken nuggets for dinner, which means that The Girl Child is totally destined to be America's Next Top Model. They eat in the closet... because it's... warm in there? Or something? And they call it a sleep-over? I'm confused. Were they all raised in caves?
Ebony wants to go home. Heather continues to baffle Bianca.
Jay is at the photo shoot when the girls arrive, and he is so Tyra's bitch, y'all. Miss J gets to show up and walk a runway once in a while and then be on panel with the rest of the judges. While Jay is the one doing all the work.
The girls are going to do a high fashion editorial with different recycled material. (I know there's a Hillary joke in here somewhere, but I just can't find it tonight. Anyone?)
Heather is aluminum cans in a silver Jetson's outfit; Chantal is shredded paper in a kicky, flapper dress; Sarah is garbage bags and looks like my 1987 prom.
Sal is tires and knocks down part of the set; Ebony is bubble wrap, and who hasn't dreamed wrapping themselves in bubble wrap? -- but she is clearly phoning it in; Jenah is cardboard boxes.
Biance is oil and finally "smiling with her eyes;" Lisa is plastic bottles; Ambreal is newspaper.
Tyra Mail! Judging, the very thought of which causes Ebony to start chewing her lips. She "can't handle the criticism" and doesn't "think it's fair." Um, was she unaware of the contest aspect of the show?
At judging, Miss J and Nigel are both sporting 'fros, and Tyra looks classier than I've ever seen her look. I think Twiggy dressed her.
Sal took a great photo. Jenah's photo has attitude, and the girl in front of the judges finally looks like the girl in the photos. And I'm finally the kind of person that my dog thinks I am. Whatever.
Ambreal looks sleepy and has "dead eyes," which we all know is the kiss of death. Say good-bye to Ambreal, kiddies! Lisa's problem is that she looks like "Modeling 101," and her poses are too obvious.
Bianca's face is stunning, and it's obvious that she practiced, so you know Tyra is eating that shit up. Sarah looks very high fashion.
Ebony is snarling in her photo. Eek. Chantal's photo with the crazy hair is magic, and I must admit, as boring as she looks in person, she takes some rockin' photos.
Then it's Heather's turn, so the judges take out their golden spoons and prepare to eat her up. She won the challenge, AND she took a photo looking straight into the camera (instead of profile), which the judges can't stop cooing over, despite the fact that I think her nose looks huge.
Deliberations!
Sal is improving. Jenah is sensational. Ebony doesn't want to hear their criticism. Which is true, but frankly, I'm pretty sure Miss J could make me cry in 30 seconds or less, so I can't really get too down on Ebony. At least she doesn't argue with them like Miss Yale did.
Sarah is... something that looks like "prttinstfoer," plus she's still losing weight, which continues to annoy Tyra because she hates being the fattest one in the room.
Bianca is in the top five best girls, but Lisa is stagnant. Heather is the best of the bunch.
Ambreal is meh. Chantal looks like the wind machine took over, and the judges are split on weather it's awesome or not. Hey -- at least she's taking risks, people!
Sal, Jen, Heather, Bianca, Sarah, Chantal and Lisa are called, leaving Ebony and Ambreal in the Bottom Two because they used to know how to model but have forgotten.
Tyra hands Ebony her photo, but in a surprise move, Ebony tells Tyra that she "don't wanna be here."
Instead of assuming that Ebony is a decent girl who has found that she doesn't like whoring herself out on national television, Tyra accuses Ebony of not liking "people telling you that you're not perfect."
But instead of taking Tyra's bait, Ebony simply says that "the chance should be given to someone who really wants it." Like Ambreal.
Tyra calls her a quitter and that she hates quitters, but Ebony is just so happy to be outta there. Now she gets to pee in private!
Ebony interviews that she told Tyra she was sorry for wasting her time, but modeling is just not what makes her happy.
They they show a video of Ebony's audition where she begs to be in the competition. Which I'm sure they meant to be a slam, but I think it just proves that Tyra and her flying monkeys delight in destroying young ladies' dreams.
Next episode: Tyra teaches them some "moves," the girls film a music video (PLEASE, GOD, don't let Tyra be releasing another single!!!), and someone gets carted off in an ambulence. Awesome!
And while we're on the subject of fashion, although the navy eyeshadow didn't work out, I totally need some navy nail polish. Oh, I'm going to the mall on Tuesday! I'll get some them, so me and Vicki and Heather can be triplets.
Comments
You NEED Navy nailpolish (say that 10 times fast!) I am wearing mine right now. And my new, totally awesome boss called me "sassy" because of it.
Posted by: Vicki at October 29, 2007 12:07 PM
wait a minute - ms blige puts heather in BLACKFACE to shoot a commercial? Seriously? bwahahahahahahahaha
Posted by: heather at October 29, 2007 02:25 PM