October 14, 2007
"The Girl Who Goes Bald"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Miss J is a nurse, Kimberly goes home... and I wrote something that looks like IIrenoir. Huh. No idea.
Snippy Bitch is watching this episode with me, and during the commercial break that follows the opening credits, she does her imitation of Tyra doing, "Dead eyes. Live eyes! Dead eyes. Live eyes!" Hee!
Victoria is confessing to the other girls that she feel at a disadvantage because modeling wasn't even her dream until three weeks ago. Uh-oh, don't let Tyra find out!
Sal tells the group that she's "never gonna be in the bottom two." I call foreshadowing!
Tyra mail! Something about metamorphesis, and the girls go wild, knowing that they're getting makeovers. I wouldn't be so excited if I were them. I mean, have they ever seen the show?
Chantal thinks they're going to cut all her hair off, and I hope they do because she's boring as toast.
Jay, Miss J and Tyra are there. Miss J has to get in on the act and is wearing a skull shirt. Enough with the Wenchie shout-outs! I get it -- you love me! Sheesh! Can't we just keep this between Tyra and I? Next think you know, Nigel will show up in an eyepatch or something.
Instead of artist's renderings, this time, we get to see how the girls will look through the help of a little C.G.I. Which looks like crap, so I hope they didn't blow the budget on it. Bianca is going Beyonce, Chantal is getting a weave, Jenah (formerly Jenna) is going blonde...
Wait! Who's getting shaved?
The weave/wig they take off Ebony looks extremely painful. I mean, it's like glued and sewn to her head! Ow! Someone says they hope she didn't pay a lot for the wig, and she says it was free.
All the makeovers are totally cute. Well, except Sal, who looks like Prince Valiant. Why would they cover up her eyes and cheekbones like that?
Appropo of nothing, Lisa has really bad hair. It's like 80-year-old-lady thin. Definately not model hair.
Jay is talking to one stylist about the blonde highlights that are supposed to go in Bianca's hair, but her hair is way too damaged. Jay tells Bianca that her hair is beyond saving, and they're going to have to shave it all off and use wigs for photo shoots. They even have a Beyonce-esque wig handy to give her. Who keeps that kind of shit on hand? It's probably one of Miss J's.
She's upset and feels "defeated," but as they cut and shave, she just sits there silenty and wipes away the occassional tear. I must say, she really takes it like a trooper, compared to girls in past seasons. It's quite disappointing. I want drama! And frankly, we ALL wanted to see Miss Thing brought low.
Tyra mail! Something about "backstage." Ooooh, couch auditions?
Nigel is there, causing Sarah to moisten her panties, but Nigel's wife is there, too, so alas, they're forbidden love must wait. Some Cover Girl consultant is there, too.
This is the make-up challenge, and the winner will shoot a little "how-to" video for Cover Girls newly revamped website. Well, whoop-di-shit.
The girls have five minutes to do their make-up -- the theme is "dramatic eyes and nude lips" -- find their dress among huge racks of clothes, and walk down the runway.
Sarah wins with her "winged eye" which is a "big gamble." I'm underwhelmed, but whatever. Lisa is just glad that Sal didn't win.
And for those of you who care, here's Sarah's video. (You have to scroll down past the garish Top Model ad at the top.)
Tyra mail! Are you ready to be deflowered? From the other room, Husband yells, "Yeah, baby!"
There's a photoshoot in the woods, and the girls are all going to be different kinds of flowers and plants.
One time, for a performance of "Iolanthe," Lola Beth made the costumes for the chorus of fairies, and I was an iris.
It breaks down like this: Bianca, sunflower; Janet, hydrangia; Heather, weeds; Chantal, baby's breath; Lisa, bamboo; Sal, tulip; Ambreal, rose; Victoria, cactus; Jenah, rose; Ebony, bird of paradise.
Heather clearly feels singled out as the weeds, and I must say, it's an unkind choice for the girl who is already feeling outcast. But she works it, like we all knew she would.
Sal's tulip needs more expressive eyes. Victoria feels "ridiculous" as the cactus, and she's just oh-so-above-it-all, isn't she? I'm getting a real Elise vibe from this bitch.
Chantal is "too Maxim." Hee! Jay and the photographer and both telling her what to do, and usually contradicting each other. She breaks down. Boo hoo.
Tyra mail! Judging.
Victoria, now that she's sucking, finds the whole thing "so ludicris" and must "find out why [she] did poorly." Um, cuz you're a snob who thinks that, if America finds you pretty, your brain cells will start dribbling out your ears?
Chantal is freaked out by her sucky performance and is convinced she's going home.
Again, appropo of nothing, Jenah has really big ears. She shouldn't tuck her hair behind them.
The judges look at the photos with the girls.
Victoria's neck is all wrinkled. Twiggy starts to say something, and Vic interrupts with, "Lemme get one thing straight."
Ohhhhhhh, bad move, Little Miss Yale. And seriously -- what the hell does she have against Twiggy? Twiggy's probably the kindest judge there!
Victoria continues on to say something to the effect of,... Oh, I don't remember, and I forgot to write it down. Something about personality. She's so going home. Tyra does NOT put up with backtalk, chil'!
Sarah's photo looks like she turned into ivy, which I guess is good.
Lisa had a great face as bamboo, but she needs to take more chances.
Sal's tulip photo is not good. Her eyes and neck got totally lost. Well, the eye thing is their fault because that hair-do is just terrible.
Jenah so impressed the photographer with her impression of moss that he's going to book her, once the competition is done.
They were expecting to be blown away by Janet, but she ended up too posey.
Ambreal -- beautiful body, dead eyes.
Heahter worked that weed costume. The judges call her haunting and say they're drawn in by the photo. Nigel calls it art.
Bianca wore her Beyonce wig to Panel, but the judges make her take it off. I must say, at the photoshoot, she really seemed to be owning her baldness. She was even smiley and bubbley. But it didn't translate to her photos, and she looks stiff and amateur.
Chantal had a difficult shoot, and it totally shows in her face.
Ebony's photo looks angry, so Tyra mocks her by imitating her. Nice. What would your Mama say, Tyra? Ebony looks terrible in person, but her film blew them away.
The judges discuss amongst themselves.
Vic is just mean. She may go to Yale, but she's not wise enough to be charming.
Sarah is loosing weight, which takes her out of the plus-sized category, but she's still not thin enough to be a regular model. Uh-oh. Tyra gets on her high horse and says that it's good that they're talking about how losing weight isn't always a good thing.
Janet looks very "men's magazine," according to Miss J. And how would he know?
Jenah they like a lot a lot.
Bianca is so strong. They thank God that the hairstyling went awry because it really turned out for the best. And I must confess, she does look pretty good bald.
They love Heather's eyes, and the photographer says she did exactly what he told her to do.
Ambreal is fading. Lisa is too safe.
Ebony needs to change her attitude, but she was perfect during the shoot.
Chantal was born with the pretty gene but that's about it. Doing baby's breath should have been easy -- all she had to do was act like a princess -- but she couldn't even pull that off. Ha ha!
Sal's eyes ain't there, but that's because that shitty wig they gave her covers them up! I'm certainly no Sal fan here, but I think they're being really unfair.
The judges are done deliberating, and all the girls are handed their photos except for Vic and Sal, which sounds like two Italian men, but is really two arrogant wanna-bes.
See Sal? This is why you never brag about not being in the bottom two. I believe the official term is Self-Fulfilling Bitchiness.
The judges love Vic's look, but she's not appetizing in person. Sal's face is just okay.
But in the end, Mama Tyra hates inner-ugliness more than outer-ugliness, so Victoria goes packing back to Yale! YAY! Go look up Elise and talk about how modeling was beneath you both anyway.
The first thing Victoria does is take off her heels, and I'm so with her on that. She sounds happy to leave because her "heart is not in this," and she'd "rather go home than take some other girls dream."
But didn't you already kind of do that, Vic? I mean, some other girl could have made it to the final thirteen if you hadn't finished your homework early that day and auditioned on a whim. Don't kid yourself, honey, you're still a dreamkiller.
Next week: The girls have to pose in the air, held aloft by male ice skaters. On the ice. The afraid-of-heights girls are going to have some issues. I just wanna see some blood bounce on the ice.